Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Why can't my child stand to be wrong?

If you’re interested in research into making mistakes (and how perfectionism plays a role, and how to deal with that, and how the brain works), the article "Why Do Some People Learn Faster?" might be of interest.
(There are tons of articles about this sort of thing; this one just sprung to mind.)

If you’re interested in opening a conversation about the importance of mistakes, there are some fascinating books we’ve enjoyed as a family:

A humorous book is Mistakes That Worked which looks at science.

If your daughter likes math, science and/or history, you may enjoy Edward Zaccarro’s The Ten Things All Future Mathematicians and Scientists Must Know (But are Rarely Taught), which explores mistakes—and why they happen, and what people did (or didn’t do!) to fix them. Some examples are intense (e.g. people die because of errors), but they are real and great examples to learn from. Depends on how sensitive your DD is.

Good luck!

On a different note: I was just like your DD when I was younger.

One thing that did really help in my situation was learning about my parents' strengths.

You said, "we regularly tell her that we're wrong all the time, and that it's OK." In addition, do you also clearly show her your abilities?

Do you show your DD ways in which you make excellent decisions (e.g. at work, in financial planning, in making a will, in helping a friend)? Do you show her your mastery of domains with which she is unfamiliar? Does she feel you are an authority on good choices (as well as mistakes)?

A balance can be good. Just thinkin'

Seems like a good idea. I did teach her how to persevere, and use illustrations from my life and work, and I think it got through. She did mention it once or twice later.

It's an interesting perspective that will require some more thought and intentionality, but I'm definitely going to pursue it.

I actually suspect that my DD is the way she is partly because she has realized that she is very smart and that she often notices or remembers things that others (including her parents) do not. I think she doesn't trust us to get it right, to some extent.

This is part of why we always explain our rules to DD7... because in the course of explaining them we're going to show her how we're aware of things that she's not. It tells her the value of listening to us, because we're pretty smart. Deep down, kids want to know that their parents are sharp and are going to make good decisions, because it gives them a great sense of security. If they're convinced their parents don't know what they're doing, that's a scary feeling.

We also make sure we don't always lose to her on purpose... partly to teach her that we're good at stuff, too, and thus worthy of her respect, but also to teach her how to lose with grace. We wouldn't want to turn her loose on the school playground without having experienced defeat before.

Last week she wanted to play "Guess Which Hand?" with a little rubber ball, and I guessed correctly each time, which totally amazed her. Then it was my turn to hold the ball, and she guessed wrong every time. She was still having fun, but she simply could not believe how she couldn't get it right at least once through sheer luck. So I explained it to her:

"In both cases, I knew something you didn't."
"What?"
"When you had the ball, your hands were different, because in the one with the ball your knuckles bulged out a bit."
[she experiments, observing both hands next to each other as one holds the ball, tries holding it different ways, bulging out her other hand to match, etc.]
"What about when you had the ball?"
"When I did it, the ball wasn't in EITHER hand."
[quick demonstration of how I'd drop the ball in my lap, show her the one hand she'd requested, and pick up the ball with the other]

She thought that was HILARIOUS. But then, trying to put one past each other is a regular part of our daily family life.

So yeah, don't be afraid to show off. Little kids want to believe that their parents are pretty amazing.

I think this is normal for GT. My daughter is used to being smarter than others. I have put her in classes where she has to work hard - such as foreign language and music - and she does not like the feeling of something not coming easily to her. She is ranked #1 in her high school class and that seems to come easy to her. She is uncomfortable being less.

My husband is the same way and is PG. After years of dealing with it, I am just going with it.