Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy It's come to this

I have written, re-written and deleted this about 8 times in the last few days. But I need to talk about it and I need all of your incredible thoughts and brain power on this one.

Last year some of you may recall we had issues and had to meet with the school over Aiden. Well, not even 3 weeks back at school and we are right back where we were.

Over the 6 week break things were awesome in terms of communication, desire to learn returned, enthusiasm returned everything was great (despite his grandmother dying things were good).

To cut a long story short he cried all the way to school today. He is angry and when I take him to his room to try help him deal with the anger without hurting anyone else - I get hurt. These outbursts are happening every day now. He has stopped speaking to us again about his feelings and thoughts. He says he doesn't want to read, do maths, do science experiments or anything new. He says there is no point.

I am devastated that he has lost his sparkle and that he has lost the desire to learn. That he no longer enjoys it is obvious to me.

The school don't see this - they keep saying he seems happy etc. But I know he is terrified of the "naughty corner" and the other measures they have in place. He was told last year that Grade 0 (K) would be real work, that it would be exciting and challenging, but it's not for him. With the result that he fluffed his reading assessment and has been pegged at DRA level 8 (he ended last school year on DRA level 11 and reads at home on DRA level 18 or more). He started chess, was asked if he can play (which he can basically) and was then taught how to set up the board again. He was told if he talks he will be kicked out and not allowed back in, so he sat there and endured it.

I fear that he has learnt to do at the level that is offered, simply to avoid the punitive arrangements at school. I worry that he has learnt that this is all there is, that he will not learn anything new at school. He is only 5 and this scares me. It's affected the entire family, and DH and I are arguing more, baby is more needy suddenly and little Nathan is trying so hard to be good that it's not normal.

I called the school and they have agreed to a meeting early this next week. Iam waiting for the confirmed date and time.

I would be happy to homeschool DH feels he needs to be in school, that my now newly found freedom of time in the mornings is good for me and it means I have time for Dylan on his own too, since Nathan started at the same school now as well.

How do I word it to the school? I can only see three solutions:
1. grade skip (it will work temporarily as he settles to writing, formal school etc for grade 1, but he is essentially on a grade 2/3 level AFAIK)
2. Give him the real work promised. He told his teacher he wants multiplication, he has not done anything remotely similar.
3. pull out and homeschool.

Sorry for the very long ramblings. I need to know how to verbalise this to the school. I have gotten their own key phrases together already, and am ready to demand what they promised - an individualised learning plan. but what else can I do to prepare? how can I help Aiden right now? Do I keep him home on monday with me?

please help!

My DD had a similar problem with K, though not to this extreme. His hiding of his abilities has somewhat handicapped you in your efforts to get him appropriate differentiation, which can take forever even in the best of circumstances. Considering how strongly this situation is affecting him, and how difficult/long it can be to make this work in a school situation, in your place I'd pull him out of school today and begin homeschooling.

I assume your DH's reason for stating Aidan needs to be in school is for social development. If that's true, it's probably worth pointing out how sending him to a place he hates is unlikely to help him win friends, and that homeschooling now at K does not preclude him going to school later.

Homeschooling a gifted child takes up a lot less of your time than you might think. There's going to be some time for you to shop for materials and plan lessons, but the actual schooling part took my DW less than three hours a day. Aidan won't be wasting his time waiting for other kids to get it, other kids to finish their work, standing in line waiting for other kids to quiet down, etc.

Geez, sure you're not talking about me or my eg/pg DS6???

Tuesday, I wrote a letter saying I wanted to withdraw my eg/pg son from his private gifted school due to his social/emotional needs being unfulfilled and increasing frustration and depression. Yes, I see the lost of enthusiasm and sparkle too. Yes, he doesn't want to go to school most days either.

My son's school/teachers responded to my letter by discouraging me from withdrawing my son from the school and told me that if we did withdraw him that we would still be liable for the remainder of the tuition, which really pissed me off.

Yesterday I wrote another letter to the school saying that we would try to keep eg/pg DS6 in kindergarten for the remainder of the year, but that we may have to withdraw him if his emotional/social needs deteriorates.

Here's an SENG article on what can happen if there's a mismatch.
http://www.sengifted.org/archives/a...octor-fit-in-the-care-of-gifted-children

Last year, my son had the physical and emotional psychosomatic conditions from being in an appropriate setting - so this isn't bunk.

This year we're in a similar situation with the math. Last year, my son was in pre-k and was doing addition, subtraction, and started to multiply visually at his other school; in fact last year the teacher was going to put him in the 2nd/3rd grade class for math until the headmaster flatly refuse to accelerate a pre-k by so many grades or accommodate a eg/pg. This year, the school refuses to let my DS6 move on from addition or do subtraction or multiplication or anything else until he masters the timed math tests! The teachers are taking a very traditional approach to math and really destroying my son's passion and love for the subject, which is heartbreaking. He definitely won't be returning next year; I'm just trying to keep him there until the end of the year.

What to do???
1. Write rather than verbalise! Put everything in writing, then you've got a paper/digital trail and documentation. Say you've noticed and are concerned about your son's level of frustration/depression/social-emotional needs/etc. Ask how the school might be able to help your son at school and at home to reduce it.
2. Supplement at home and see if it helps or changes the situation.
3. Get the real work promised. Yea, em, trying that myself with the math. See how much the school/teachers are flexible or willing to budge. If they're still stuck in the mud, see #2 or #4.
4. Homeschool.

I would pull him out and homeschool. Can you find a group setting where he can socialize and play, without the academics? Maybe some sort of class or group?

All this angst is totally unnecessary, especially since he is so young. You need time for yourself, too, though. I think a nice middle ground would be some sort of group or activity he can be dropped off at.

Is he pretty independent when he plays by himself all day?

I think *you* should find a way to get some alone time to relax , too, if you have to give up the mornings. You deserve that.

For the school show them work samples that are done in his own handwriting.

For DH, consider using some of the money you were spending on school for a tutor/babysitter - some way to get your a break and some babytime.

(I believe that what the littler ones get from being part of a pack far outweighs what they get from mommy-alone time, but this isn't the time to try and convinse DH. Instead find out what his actual concerns are and try to find measurable outcomes as ways to monitor if in fact DS is turning into a spoiled brat (or whatever) )

Good luck!
Grinity

Madoosa it has taken me numerous tries to get myself to read your post because it keeps bringing me back to where we were with dd last year. Kindergarten was absolute misery for her. Nightmares, crying in her sleep, begging not to go to school. "Please Mommy I'll go to kindergarten anywhere else just please please don't make me go back in that room." It was awful -I really, REALLY feel your pain.

My dd totally shut down in this environment - she didn't work below her abilities she just shut down completely. I got her classroom changed but the damage had already been done. It was late January (halfway through the school year here) before she would even acknowledge that she knew her letters in school. One day she read 3 levels of books for the second teacher but never read for her again. I kept asking for interventions for a documented fine motor deficit and to figure out what was going on with her reading. The school kept refusing saying "She'll never qualify - she's too smart." It was an extremely punitive environment and by the end of the year my happy, outgoing little girl was totally disabled by anxiety. Once we finally got her screened it turned out she has major ld issue that this school would not only refuse to address but had been actively punishing her for.

I don't know what your system is like in South Africa. I can just tell you that I kick myself every day - and will continue to do so for a long, long time - for having kept her in that environment. Twice I actually pulled her out of her classroom with the intention of withdrawing her from school only to be convinced that the school would address the issues. Now that we are in a very supportive school environment dd is slowly coming around. She had a substitute teacher last fall who yelled and that seems to have been the "breakthrough trigger" to make her uncomfortable in this school too. Although she has MUCH less anxiety she started having headaches (daily for a while). It will take us years to overcome the damage caused by that bad school situation.

If I had my situation to do over again I would have pulled her in a heartbeat. I had a bad feeling about the teacher from the first time I met her. As soon as dd started shutting down I knew my feeling was correct. If you have the option to home school or can afford a private alternative I would most definitely look at it very seriously. I also would look at getting your ds into a play therapy situation - if he was enduring anything like my dd experienced last year he may need some help working through it.

Good luck! And I commend you for working to address it.

It doesn't sound like he should be in school.

Simple fact is a child in Kindergarten isn't going to learn anything other than ABCs how to count to 10, colors and shapes... The schools have no desire to put forth effort to teach kids at that age, they are really just mass baby sitting centers. If your child wants to learn home school them instead of Kindergarten. My kids went to Kindergarten because they wanted to be around other kids, not because they expected to learn anything.

Before the first day we explained that Kindergarten wasn't really school it was just organized playtime. We taught them when they were home from school, and it worked well that way... but if they had expected to learn in school they would have been very upset with the reality of it.

I suggest you home school.

I second the homeschool option and especially like Grinity's suggestion of either tutor for Aiden or maybe a daytime playgroup or class so you can still have alone time or special time for Dylan.

Personally, I would have given up ALL my own free time if I had realized what was happening to Butter earlier. I also could kick myself for all I didn't see, all that wasted time, etc. I should have known, in the beginning, when she could actually read and most of the other kids couldn't...oh well, hindsight is 20/20.

I also second Dude's assertion that socialization in a poor fitting environment is not helpful...not to mention (this is my new "go to" socialization argument...) I don't send my kid to school to socialize. ANd I don't keep her locked up in the house the rest of the time...Butter has Girl Scouts, two different dance classes now and all those other things she does at her school, seperate from academics.

Butter also never acted out like that to me, she's pretty stoic actually. But now I see some behaviors (like refusing to do work) as her way of telling us it wasn't right for her. My friend's son, Mr B, was more like you are describing, verbalizing that he didn't like the school, asking to be homeschooled, etc...

In the end, you will have to decide what IS best, but I'm sure that sending him to a place he hates, a place that is "dulling his shine" day after day, is not a good option. If you can't convince that school to give him what he really needs, I'd pull him out asap!

Kindergarten is supposed to be the fun year. Darn. Hugs.
The squeaky wheel gets the oil.
Let them all know that you're not going to have an unpleasant whole year in Kindergarten sour your kids attitude on school in general. They're impressionable and it's their formative years.
FWIW, I wouldn't necessarily insist that they actually make sure he's learning much at this age, but I would insist that they prove to you that they'll find a way to make a positive first impression of school, learning, and education in your little boy's mind.
Tell them, "who am I going to believe, you or my lying eyes?" If you're Saying your kid's miserable and crying to you about it, tell them answering that he's happy does not change what you see. Tell them, "maybe you haven't seen it, but I'm letting you know it's there". Surely they won't call you a liar. And if they try to comfort you like a hysterical new mom, remember, this isn't the first two months of school where it's not unusual for kids to cry. This is the second half of the year. He should like Kindergarten by now. Kindergarten, of all things.

Remember my thoughts are just thoughts. My kid doesn't start school until next year.

Thanks everyone again!

Grinity - he has been at this school for two years already, on the same playground with the same kids etc. It's a new year here for us (the school year started only on the 18th January), but it's a Gifted School, and the teacher has his file and entry assessment done when he was 2.5 years old. They KNOW what he is capable of.

Update:
Meeting scheduled for Tuesday morning 10am. I will have half an hour only, so am compiling an e-mail now to address the concerns so that we can trouble shoot instead.

His teacher called me aside Friday at pickup to chat, she was very open and concerned (obviously she has been in th ejob less than 8 weeks and already a meeting! lol)

The usual platitudes were exchanged: he is so small, youngest in class, can't give 3rd grade maths as he will get bored in 3rd grade, we prefer to go wider instead of deeper (I asked why they have to be mutually exclusive). And it went on and on. Eventually she asked what I wanted. And I said that he wants what his friend in 2nd grade gets - spelling tests, projects, homework etc. So she has suggested she put together a project book for him - where he will get assignments daily across a variety of subjects to do.

I asked for writing, drawing, thinking, applying knowledge kinda things. She still has to get permission but is hoping to formalise it in the meeting and start on wednesday.

I will still push for more in-class differentiation too, but at least this way she can see what he is really capable of. And she agreed to "substantially" increase his reader level and see what happens.

I am scared to believe it, but I really really hope it happens. Will give you another update tomorrow after the meeting.