Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Identification, Testing & Assessment Behaviour & WPPSI Test Result HELP!!

Srry SMB...it is so easy to feel like a bad parent but as you can see we don't all agree with each other so there is no way you can do what all of us do. I don't know if your son is gifted or what that test spread means but I know that it is scary to hear a kid talk like that. Think it takes courage to talk about what really goes on at your house so please know I'm cheering for you. Your boy sounds Intense that's for sure.

It sounds familiar to me that you can't always put into words why he shouldn't go to the neighbors house 20 days outof 21. Sometines I have to say: Honey I wish I could explain but I just can't. Still I know I'm right and you need to Obey now.

Shrugs and more shrugs
Grinity

I guess I just cant help but feel there is something different about him & the way he thinks (which i suppose is supported with the IQ test & his GLC score). I just want to know how to help him (and us) with the behaviour etc.

Smb, I am sorry to have gotten side tracked from your most questions, I guess in part because I felt they were clearly dealt with by early responses. He needs to see an appropriate professional urgently.

If you want to pm me about where in Australia you are I may be able to suggest someone. I guess some obvious questions that would weigh on my mind in choosing who to take this to are

was psych #1 a gifted expert?
What made you choose them?
Have they provided any answers you were hoping to get?
Have the answered direct questions helpfully?
Do you trust them? This result?

This would influence whether you go to them for more help, or at the other extreme whether you get a fresh IQ assessment, which would have to be on the SB5 if you want it done soon. You also need to consider whether you need to be seeing someone 2e savvy.

I would probably start with a really good developmental paed, if they suspect something quirky going on they may refer you for assessments that will include some form of iq assessment. Or they might refer you to a psychiatrist.

Well, why can't she eat in the living room? Again, if the reason for the rule can't be articulated, maybe there's no good reason to have the rule.

Now, let's say hypothetically that we articulate our reasons... little children are accident prone, and messes sink deep into the carpet/upholstery, where they breed bacteria and attract bugs. Solid argument. Then DD starts arguing, beginning with some ludicrous suggestions. "I won't make a mess." "I'll clean it up." We poke holes in those arguments.

And then... "But we have carpet in the dining room, too. If I brought in my little table and chair, it wouldn't be any different from eating in the dining room."

Solid argument, and a compromise reached? Depends on the perspective and situation. This is all entirely hypothetical, since we have tile floors and one of those coffee tables that lift up, so DD is allowed to eat in the living room. But there have been a number of times in which DD has come up with an interesting solution that never occurred to DW or myself, in which everyone's goals are met. She's quite a negotiator... and negotiating is a lot more fun than yelling, I think.

Of course, this also means we have to have two things going for us:

- A lot of patience. For me, it helps to remember that a lot of the anger reaction for a parent in a parent/child conflict comes from a sense of losing control of the situation. So I remind myself that I'm the parent, I make the rules, I control the privileges, and she's not a threat to any of that.

- The ability of the child to take no for an answer. Because sometimes no matter how good the argument, she's still not going to be happy about it, because she has an emotional investment in getting what she wants. So once the discussion has played out and there's nothing useful in talking about it anymore, it's time to end the discussion. It's at those times that I end up reminding my daughter that I'm the parent, I make the rules, and I control the privileges, so just accept my decision. Or, she can go on protesting, and begin accepting the loss of privileges, too.


Absolutely, 100% agree. And this is why I never try to tell anyone what they should do... I simply say, "This is what works for us."

Indeed, but instead of saying "Because I said so," we say, "Not right now, just do it, we'll talk about it later," or some fractional portion thereof. "Not now." "Do it." "Later."

and for some kids, the time to end the discussion is right at the begining, because they do have low ability to take no for an answer. I don't think that most of our children need to be rewarded and encouraged to be 'negotiators' - they have enough natural talent for their age and emotional maturity. Depends on the kid, depends on the parent, depends on the circumstance. If I had a spouse that was likely to make random premature judgements, maybe I'd want a no 'because I said so' rule, but I am the kind of person who becomes less articulate when stressed, and there are many times that I have to say to both DH and DS, "I have a gut feeling about this, and I can't explain it - we just have to do it my way at this time."

Isn't that ironic, since I'm so articulate here? But really I'm a big picture thinking, and there are a lot of times when I have no idea in the world how I got to a particular conclusion - but experience has shown that I really need to trust my gut even when the emotional heat is turned up and I've gone detail-blind and dumb.

I'm sure you've seen your kid clam up when asked 'So how did you get your answer' at least once, so you know that we all have parts of our wisdom and knowledge that aren't word accesable.

Hope that helps,
Grinity

I've heard
Cross, Dr. Tracy L.
Spcialization(s): Gifted Education
Office: 3129
Phone: (757) 221 - 2362
Email: TLCross@wm.edu

give a lecture about suicide and gifted kids, and he was a very kind and thoughtful speaker.

I'd encourage anyone who was concerned about this issue with any of their family members to contact him, or at least try.

Peace,
Grinity

It would be rare that we have ever said "because I said so" other than as a joke, or with a joking tone. I was more talking about the general meaning of "just do it now because I said so". Actual words used : "now is not the time (to argue)" gets said a lot. Or "look around, is it a good time?". Sometimes "just do as you are told" in a fairly short tone of voice (usually to 10yr old while also wrestling with screaming toddler).