Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How do you respond?

My DD is generally assumed to be adopted, so I rarely get those kind of questions. Instead, I get "where did you get her from?" or (only once, thankfully!) "I always wanted one of those."

I am not good at snappy comebacks, but it happened enough that my stock comeback was "The discount aisle at Walmart, but they only had the one."

AlexsMom, that made me lol.

People can sometimes say the oddest things. As a SAHM living (by accident - long story) in a very, very low SES area, I get frustrated by people talking to me as if I don't speak English and am probably drug-addled. Sometimes it takes all my restraint not to announce my degrees.

good question. I can understand being offended if someone said that too...especially in that way. I have all different answers to this question depending on who asks. Sometimes I joke and say it's from him watching baby einstein if it's someone that knows how sarcastic I am. But I actually usually answer that it was a fluke thing, some strange combo of genes...although not quite in those words. I don't put myself down or anything, but our DS is PG and is just so much different than us that it's quite unusual. Dh was in a gifted program and I was never tested but could be MG possibly. Who knows...but what I do know is that we are not PG.

lol, we joke about that too. We never had a psych say that though...that's pretty crazy. I remind myself though that so many people don't have the skills to tactfully say things and/or don't know when or how to just keep silent.

Hmmm... Thought provoking.

The following paragraph contains a general "you", responding to several posters in this thread not just one, and intended to be addressed at everyone including me


Suppose we were talking about some other characteristic than giftedness - red hair, or ADHD, or being very tall, or what you will - and a doctor, without having enquired about whether you used hair dye or self-medicated with caffeine or had suffered from childhood malnutrition, made an off-the-cuff comment such as "so, s/he didn't get it from you" or "sometimes it skips a generation". I hypothesise that, although it's conceivable that you might notice the doctor had made an incorrect leap of logic, you probably wouldn't go so far as to describe the comment as tactless, let alone be personally offended by it.

I remember, in other threads, many posters (I don't remember who) insisting that they really believed statements like "gifted isn't better, just different". I don't think that position is consistent with being offended when a doctor assumes, on too little evidence, that one isn't gifted oneself.

(And since I've been tempted by such comfortable statements myself, but I think I would be offended, I address this at myself as much as at anyone.)

Have you considered responding to them in Russian?

You raise an excellent point, Colinsmum. I for one am going to come out of the closet and admit that I do value giftedness. I think where we get into trouble is with the assumption that that means thinking gifted people are better people. In trying to avoid that, we somehow persuade ourselves that we ought not to find giftedness desirable.

Let's pull out the ever-useful analogy to athletic skill. Parents of athletic kids are allowed to take pleasure and pride in it. They don't accuse themselves of thinking their kids are better people.

And yes, it would be tactless and insulting for a professional (a coach, or a sports doctor) to remark, "I guess it skipped a generation, huh?"

So I'm going to come out and admit that not only do I love my daughter, I love her giftedness. If she were to suffer a brain injury and lose her intelligence, I would grieve that loss, even as I would continue to love her with every fiber of my being.

I think maybe we all feel a little bit brow-beaten into saying we believe that "gifted isn't better, it's just different." See, it's that word better that gets us into trouble. It's a loaded word. But I, for one, think giftedness is wonderful.

That's funny. When I wrote that post, I actually didn't mean to imply the psych was being tactless. We had just told him our personal and family history -- laid it out on the table so to speak. He was truly just stating a fact (at least what he knows to be true). I think he was just telling us that we could believe the information he was giving us about her, even though it might not seem likely to us.

I guess my post didn't really fit here, as he wasn't making assumptions about us based on exterior traits (things like job, SES, etc). I also don't have any "ownership" of the gifted label.

It was just one of those moments when you look at your spouse and think.. (like the Talking Heads Song)...how did we get here?

Colinsmum - I don�t think gifted people are better people; however, higher IQ makes for better opportunities.

OP reminds me of MIL's comments about DS when he was an infant. MIL often commented about how DS was smart like his uncle (DH�s brother). She basically discounted DH�s and my intelligence.

I personally wouldn't find that either tactless or insulting, but rather obviously true. My DD isn't athletically gifted in the global sense, but she's a very good swimmer. I've often commented that she clearly didn't get that from me, and would laugh and agree if one of her swim teachers said it must have skipped a generation. But I've got no self-worth tied up in the idea that I can swim, whereas I do have self-worth tied up in the idea that I'm smart.