Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Can coasting be just fine?

I only recently realized that external validation was essentially the only driving force in my life. Mostly winning and losing. The goal in life is to win! Preferably everything.

Of course, once you reach the adult world, it's literally impossible to "win".

This is possibly why my wife considers me lazy. I literally have no mainspring to drive my life anymore, ergo I have nothing to accomplish.

Have you tried turning work or other things that you have a hard time finding motivation for into games, with a rubric for different scoring levels (with the objective of beating a previous "high score") or with challenging criteria for "winning"?

This is the only way my house ever gets cleaned...

I'm thinking I need to just develop some intrinsic motivation with respect to activities of daily living.

I've never really been into daily living.

Brilliant! You just summed up my and my DS's attitude towards school in one sentence. Both "TP's" here. Although I am not philosophically a big fan of coasting I was a consumate coaster right through undergrad. I did put in a lot of thought and effort for my master's degree however but that was 15 years later.

I am enjoying reading this discussion because I oh so want an excuse for both my own and my son's lack of motivation and "hoop jumping" in school. On the other hand, I am a teacher so part of me always feels guilty.

Funny you should post this. I have been mulling this over and wondering what "achievement" I should be seeking for my child.

I was kinda a coaster. It was always important to me to get good grades, because that is how I felt in "control" -- we moved around a lot when I was growing up, and I felt helpless in other respects. But I didn't seek CHALLENGE.

I went to public high school, got top grades. Then I attended a challenging private college, assuming I would be in the middle of the pack, but graduated with over a 3.8 GPA without trying too hard. In law school, I graduated first in my class.

But I never challenged myself by taking higher level math classes, etc., that would have really been a stretch. And no one else ever challenged me, either. I was content to just do what I liked and, to be honest, I liked what came easier.

My family expected me to do my homework, but was very hands off about getting involved in schooling and certainly didn't expect A's or push me in one direction or another academically.

And, although I was voted Most Likely to Succeed in high school, some may question whether I am a "success" now. I became a partner in a large law firm and practiced law successfully for over a decade before walking away to be a stay-at-home mom (and stalwart PTO and church volunteer) five years ago. I am content and don't have angst about my decision.

Yet, objectively, I probably had potential to "accomplish" a lot more in terms of a career. Who knows? If challenged in math and science, maybe I could have taken a different career path and found the cure to cancer -- know what I mean?

Now, I have a daughter of my own and am really torn right now between putting her in an accelerated program and letting her coast in a regular classroom.

Should I be doing everything I can to set her up to find the cure to cancer, but perhaps suffer blows to her self-esteem in a class of highly capable kids? Or should I let her follow my example and sail along at the top of the regular class, even if she admits that she doesn't use her big words at school because kids don't like it and teachers don't believe she knows what they mean?

Now THAT I have angst about. Dunno...

I think that depends on her personality.

In my case, it would have been appropriate to put me in with people who I couldn't intellectually overwhelm like I was sandblasting soup crackers.

That would have possibly avoided my current sense of permanent catastrophic failure and enabled me to actually developing some psychological resiliency.

I don't think that it necessarily damages a person's self esteem to have to work hard. Succeeding at difficult tasks is one way that people build self-esteem and a sense of self-efficacy... and being around people who get your jokes is priceless.

I'm not concerned about the hard work damaging her self-esteem. I do have concerns about her self-esteem being damaged by being surrounded by a lot of kids who find the work easier than she does. Already, if a single child in her class knows something before she does, she is convinced that she is the only one who didn't know it.

ok so...today, DD8 tells me she doesn't want to finish the 8 week guitar class she's in...they are about halfway through. But I think it's good for her, the teacher has a great philosophy about them stretching their brains, even if they aren't very "good". I ask her why and she says the teacher goes too fast, they only learned one "real" song. I think what's really going on is that it's not super easy, that she's not coasting. Even though she has great fine motor control, she's only 8 and the smallest kid BY FAR, so it's harder for her to handle even the kid size guitars they use...

So, I told her that I (and her dad) would be disappointed if she just quit. It was her decision, but if she quit, I was going to make her pay me back the $40 it cost...or she could go and try her best every week until it was over and never have to do it again. She agonized over it for a while, then told me she decided to finish the course. I saw the teacher after class and told him what happened and he said that she had a total different attitude today, she was engaged and paying attention, and she got to sit in the first seat a couple of times today. I relayed the teacher's compliments and told her how proud I was of her decision AND to hear that she had tried her best today. I don't *need* her to be a guitar star, but if she wants extra opportunities, I expect her to try her hardest.

I think it all hit home...and that's why it's not ok to coast...coasting can lead to giving up before you have a chance to really discover something...coasting can set up a situation, like I see in my DD, that when a new thing is finally challenging, she often gives up beofre she really tries, gets emotional about it, lets perfectionism stop her from even trying...

Coasting put her in a place where she didn't trust or respect the teachers at school and she is ONLY EIGHT!!!

Ha! This made me laugh out loud as just yesterday I surpassed my previous record of pairs of socks folded...