Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Hate to be corrected

Please ignore Wren when she's acting snarky. Wren has a lot of good comments and is often well worth listening too, but at times, one has to overlook the one liners. Most of us on this forum are very kind and thoughtful posters most of the time - but we all have our challenges from time to time. Please help keep the tone of this Forum as supportive as possible given the diversity by ignoring or taking to Private Message our lapses, ok?

Thanks,
Love and More Love,
Grinity

I don't think Wren was intentionally being snarky, I think she misinterpreted the first sentence to mean "I don't mind if my child hits..." rather than "that my child hits is something I am prepared to deal with and correct, but I am posting here because of my concern about my child's reaction to being corrected"

Crying after an apology:

- Feeling of separation or distance from parents creates anxiety and they feel the need for reassurance they are loved. With a sensitive kid a quicker and more perfunctory handling of it may be enough for them to internalize a concept. If even a quick, "Oops did you hit? Hitting hurts. Say sorry" is still upsetting then perhaps inject humor -- tell the hand to apologize rather than the child, or after the sorry do an "all better" dance together, holding hands. (Beware humor with other kids, who may then hit on purpose to get mom to talk to the hand).

- Or perhaps overall emotional intensity is just high. They were already unhappy and now it's all just way worse. Basically over-stimulated. (nothing much to do for that but distraction or time for bed).

- Truly sorry and feeling bad, guilt or shame. Or upset over lack of personal control. Or since they may not feel like hitting any more, it may be difficult to feel responsible for it at all. Developmental incongruities where the ability to empathize is more developed than self-understanding or control. (wait for a calm time and have a deep conversation. Or read a book about manners together at some calm time).

- Confused because the aggression was due to anger but the communication of that (inappropriately) caused a problem and now the focus is on something else entirely. Apologized, and now parents say its all okay but it's clearly not because still mad. (Reward any use of words to express anger (offer compromise or hug, or gently talk it out) so that he can have success using words when angry).

DSs preschool interestingly did not have children do a direct apology for aggressions. They felt the process (sometimes long) of getting such a young child to say sorry loud enough and to the right person distracted from the objective of getting both kids to say words to eachother next time. So each kid was to tell the other with words how they felt, and the aggressor was told to use those words next time. Then the aggressor was to go get a cold pack and give it to the victim, a concrete job to do. Both kids seemed to feel better after the process.

Not suggesting you step away from asking for an apology, saying sorry is a good skill and consistency is good too. Was just interesting to me that this school's feeling was it was complicated to both do apology and encourage using words to express feelings.

Polly

Children do react about being corrected. It is their instinctual power play. How much can they away with? Hence why some parents do not want to correct and think they went too far.

Back when my parents, and my friends parents spanked routinely, no parent worried about the child crying after spanking. It was what happened but children learned to behave back then.

I am not advocating spanking, I do not spank. But I have always done the consequences and although it hurt when my child cried in the corner and I sat and counted because she needed to learn. Find me a kid who likes their bad behavior corrected and I will point out the second coming.

Is that snarky? Do I need a time out?

Ren

I think that's very thoughtfully said and not snarky. (Except for the part about asking if it's snarky, which is of course snarky, but I deserve it, so that's ok with me!) I don't think it's necessarily true, but I think it is of high level and helps the conversation along. I love it when you give us the fuller picture of your sweet and pointy mind. This is a gifted issues because a lot of us think at such a high speed that it feels like a drag (ok-litterally) to slow down. But there are time when it's important to do just that. Most of us are so used to a heterogeneous environment where we can 'fire at will' and be right 99% of the time. ((shrug))

Perhaps we can create a 'snark-positve' thread over on the Discussion area. I'll start.
Peace,
Grinity

Never until now have I ever been called sweet. And anyone who truly knows me will say that. Trustworthy, reliable and the fiercest mother that lived to protect her child. Never sweet.

My edges are sharp. But that is how they are. If I want something I use them to push for it. But I don't hit....said with a smile.

I expressed an opinion. Another lesson I teach my daughter. If it doesn't feel right, ignore and more on.

Ren

Here's my two cents

I do not spank or yell (well, not often) and I do try to correct them privately, but I still will often get an upset child after being spoken to about behavior. Sometimes I even get told "Mom, why are you telling me this it makes me feel so bad." My response is that it is okay to feel bad, it is more than okay it is what tells you that you are a compassionate feeling person who feels upset with yourself when you hurt someone else. I tell them that it is important to learn to sit with that feeling and not try to rationalize it away (by blaming others or making excuses) because it is your moral compass.

Too many people these days do not want to take responsibility for their actions and/or simply can't or won't sit with some guilt or shame. Guilt/Shame feel HORRIBLE for a reason...they are the hangovers from bad behavior.

That being said, I have to sit on my hands and close my eyes to not try and make them feel better right away. We also always have a talk afterward that includes how/why the behavior occurred and that there is a difference between learning how to be in the world and being a bad person. I point out that we are all works in progress.

Well put Breakaway. Totally agree and compliment you on your elucidation.

Ren

I really disagree with this analysis. It is true that many adults use the forced apology as a power play themselves. I can MAKE you apologize. On the other hand, kids react badly when corrected for many different reasons. Some kids are not looking for power at all. They genuinely feel bad and out of control and at two don't know how to handle it. Our child who reacted in a way that many would see as out of proportion turned out to be very frustrated with himself any time he didn't measure up to behaving like an adult because that's who was comparing himself to. Any adult correction was just a louder voice saying the stuff he was already saying to himself in his own head. He didn't need harsh correction for behaving in age typical ways. He needed opportunities to try again and not be so hard on himself.

From my perspective forced apologies aren't teaching real responsibility. They are teaching faked forced apologies. Based on what we see with politicians in the news this is a skill some have totally mastered but I can't say I find it a particularly valuable one. I'd much rather a two year old begins to hear how others are hurt and then in time evolves to giving voluntary apologies and other methods of taking responsibility. We never forced apologies but saw very genuine ones emerging by age three and four.

I don't think that a forced apologize negates the explanation of why it must be done. When I made my daughter apologize about a hurtful comment to the boy with one arm, I explained to her why she was in the wrong and how it hurt the boy's feelings. One some level she may have known the hurt she was inflicting but my daughter didn't pop out with emotional maturity.

And I think, even though she was 3, it wasn't a matter of needing opportunities to try again, as she doesn't run into boys with one arm except this one since. Perhaps your son is an exception, my daughter needed the explanation and the forced apology.

Ren