Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school not playing with peers?

Well- he's 3.5 yo, in preschool and interacts/plays OK with some of the kids there.
But if I am with him- we go out to the parks- he prefers to do complex pretend play (pirates, giants, etcetcetc) with Mama more than trying to play with the other 3-4 yo... He does try to engage them in pretend play- run a pretend lemonade stand, etc. but the other kids don't seem interested or do get it or just aren't there yet dev...
So, what do I do?
i love playing with him, but is this normal for a gifted kid? I AM fun to play with tbh...

The problem I see with 3.5 year olds is that they quite like to play with others, but they don't really get compromise. So five children might each be wanting to play dinosaurs, pirates, playdough, a running game and puzzles, but if no-one else feels like doing it at that particular moment they end up each doing it on their own. You can coach him in how to convince other kids to play with him, or in how to adjust his play to other's ideas.

We do co-op preschool so I get to watch the dynamics quite a bit. It's really very interesting. This year for the first time one of my kids has been in a class with a few speech delayed children, and they really do have the problem with the negotiations, but not the imagination. So they'll be doing something just as elaborate and interesting, but on their own because they can't explain the game.

It's normal. I don't know if it's normal for all kids or just gifted kids or some combination, though. I'm guessing the third is probably the case.

DS1 just turned 3, but he does not love playing with anyone his age. Part of the problem, I think, is that kids (ALL kids) at that age are very self-directed and still pretty self-centered... and TOTALLY biased towards things with which they've had experience. Your son wants to play lemonade stand, for example. Maybe the kid next to him has never seen a lemonade stand (I know my son hasn't) and wants to play dogsled race (my son has experience with this). SInce they're three and not great at communicating ideas to people who have no earthly clue what they're talking about, and since they're three and don't love things with which they don't have experience, they just sort of stare at each other like they're speaking different languages. That's just the nature of a 3 year-old's life, gifted or not. If they're kids who hang out a lot (like if they're in preschool together or live together or whathaveyou) and have developed some shared/similar experiences, they can pretend together more effectively. Otherwise, they literally just don't care what the other one is talking about.

And then there's the gifted/precocious issue. Exchanging money for goods and services is an advanced skill. Elaborate pretend is an advanced skill.

But I have a feeling if you get two gifted three year-olds who have few common, shared experiences or obsessions together, they'd likely still not "play" together in the sense that two gifted kids will when they're a little older.

Hi speechIe
I think Talullah and smacca are right - but I know from experience what it's like too - I have that kid. My DS5s games and imaginary worlds are incredibly elaborate and detailed. At 3.5, younger even he liked to stand on jungle gyms and play toll booth he wanted to do the whole thing, and few kids would get it, we would constantly tell him to explain what he was doing because to the parents he looked like an extortionist - give me money to get on, but he just wanted you to pretend it and he lifted the gate! It's still a problem, which is why we are hopeful for G&T for K, he now makes up things to explain simple games like tag to make them more interesting to himself. So he has adapted, mainly because of pre-k, and I think does get enjoyment out of it but it's not truly satisfying to him because his age mates are just not where he is in terms of interests. I think it gets easier as they get older because the age difference isn't so stark a 6 yr old playing with an 8-10 yr old is not as crazy as a 4 year old wanting to play with one, even if they are reading the same things! But I am luckier than you, DH is the best friend, I'm the sub, so he plays with me but also plays nicely by himself too, although not so much in the park, he stopped wanting to go there around 4.

DeHe

We have (with DD 3) and have had (with DD8) the same issue too. I noticed it was especially difficult if the other 3 year olds ( 2 or 1) were not as verbal as my DDs were. Both of mine were talkers from early on and my first one was a motor mouth of unbelievable proportions at age 1! For them if a child can't actually keep up with them verbally they are not interested in trying to play with them. They have both actually told us that this is the problem at various stages too.

DD8 still has some issues playing with other 8 yr olds if they can't understand what she is talking about. She is getting better about using easier words to explain things, but more often than not she simply becomes bossy or annoyed and walks away in disgust.

I can't even begin to count the number of times I've had to play in her imaginary games at a park full of kids because they can't verbally communicate at their level with the kids around them. Sometimes this has lead to older kids coming over and joining in or parents asking why we're so protective of them that we won't let them play with other kids, but that's life.

I think for most children (gifted or not), they engage in parallel play until age 7-8 or even older. They don't really "play together" at younger ages, for most kids. My gifted 8 yo likes to play with children he can boss around and lead the play, so I'm not sure that's even playing together.

Thanks everyone for your insights and experiences! As the mom of a singlet- it's not always easy for me to know what other 3-4 yos are doing.
I will continue to encourage him to communicate with the other kids and adapt to their interests/games too.


sounds very similar to my LO! He has this great imagination and creates games with rules/ideas of how things work...He complains when the kids in preschool don't want to play radiology with him, and I often need to explain he should use a different word, maybe playing doctor or hospital...

My LO is very verbal and physically advanced, and bossy. sigh. a joy for me, but maybe hard for some kids to understand yet. He is fun, and your posts give me hope that it's just a normal thing for a 3-4 yo. thank you!

My DD did not play with other kids really at all till about mid-4. Now she is very social and would have a playdate every day if she could. My son is 3 and has been playing beautifully with other kids since 2, but he's been fortunate to attend a small daycare with some slightly older kids who are also bright and verbal. He's also very socially skilled--much more so than his sister was at this age.

DD was not in a good daycare environment for her and seemed to just decide that the other kids were not fun, preferring teachers instead. In a large group she sometimes still gravitates to the teacher; she prefers one on one. I think a lot can depend on finding the right other kids.

I know this is a little old, but having just come back (last night) from hanging out with a kid EXACTLY DS's age (they're like 10 days apart or something like that), I wanted to chime in again.

After another adult and I took turns letting the three year-olds catch and tackle us, we could sort of casually bow out and go back to sipping beers around the bonfire, and DS sort of picked up the leadership mantle and started directing... "Now you chase me!" "Now I'll chase you!"

When we had been inside earlier and they were trying to play with cars together (something DS does EXTENSIVELY and elaborately on a regular basis in his own little world), we ran into problems because he just had a certain way it wanted to be done. He is usually the king of his little vehicle-play world, and the other little girl stared blankly when he started going on about the toy train being a steam engine and needing coal. When they tried to race them, well, let's just say all hell broke loose. He is very particular about how he plays with his cars, and is used to doing it alone and at-will, or with an adult.

I guess helping find something that is a "different" kind of play than what he usually does if left to his own devices helped. Or something where precocity doesn't make much difference. If left to his own devices, DS would have carried my niece's toy cars around all night (the joy of being at a different house, to DS, is that WOW MOM DID YOU SEE THERE ARE DIFFERENT TOY VEHICLES HERE?!?!?!?!) and played with them non-stop. With a little direction, he made a new 'friend.'

Ah, the park. Where you would think the main attraction is playing with other kids.

Since my son was three, he would run around a bit and play on the equipment for maybe 15 minutes and the rest of the time want to wander the grounds looking for numbers. For the longest time, I think the whole reason he went was to "find" all the light pole numbers.

No other kid his age had shown interest in that (that I saw). But then again, he didn't invite a companion; preferring to do it with me or dad.