Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy sports for self-conscious perfectionist

Neither my husband nor I have much interest in sports, but we would like our very bookish DS6 to be involved in some kind of physical activity. In the past, he's played soccer and taken swimming lessons, and for the last year he's been taking tae kwon do. However, in all three cases, he has eventually come to dread the activity and has asked to drop out.

I can think of a number of explanations for this pattern. DS is not a natural athlete. He over-thinks things, which inhibits him and interferes with his coordination. He's not a risk taker. He's a perfectionist who is very quick to give up on things that he doesn't do well. He's very self-critical and often judges himself even more harshly than teammates or coaches. And he's especially self-conscious around adults, so he seems to have bouts of performance anxiety when a coach or instructor puts him on the spot.

My question is, how do we help him work through this? We want him to have the experience of successfully confronting a real challenge. We also want him to learn to be comfortable in his own skin. But how do you teach persistence and self-forgiveness? And are there some sports or activities that might be better for him than what we've tried?

What about rock climbing? That seems like a sport where being careful and thinking things through can be a great asset. DS5 loves going to a local indoor climbing gym. Every transition to a new hand- or toe-hold is a small success. The only problem might be self-consciousness, but there are plenty of other kids at our local gym, and plenty of learners.

Wow. Change the pronoun to a "she" and you could be talking about either of my DDs. Soccer, baseball, volleyball, basketball, swimming, ballet, hip-hop . . . we've tried them all with various measures of success but no interest that might translate into a lifelong passion (or even affection).

Nor are DH and I athletic or, to be honest, terribly coordinated. But we do try to be somewhat active and healthy and would like to pass that along.

I think down the road we might have some success with cross-country, if just because it's not such a public sport (they both hate being in the spotlight).

Sorry, no other suggestions than the running--just wanted you to know you're not alone!

I would say ballet, but lots of boys will not do this, or not do it for very long; my ds seems to be outgrowing it, he is finally coordinated enough that baseball is not completely out of his reach, so that is a big deal for him this last month or two.
(age almost 11). Also, I do not think ballet promotes self-forgiveness as you put it.

Running could be better for a younger kid; team sports can be pretty hard on a kid who is not naturally coordinated. We always fall back on hiking as a family sport; tried that much? there is almost always something to see or talk about that keeps your mind off the uphill, and the fun of downhill is its own reward.

What about geocaching? It might be a good way to combine thinking with physical activity.

I read that fencing is a great sport for the more cranial inclined. Horseback riding is non-competitive. Golf would allow him to work on his sport alone and join a crowd when he's ready. Is yo-yo considered a sport? A trampoline is a wonderful idea.

La Texican, I am wondering about your meds again.

Horseback riding is very competitive, whether you are doing Hunter Jump or 4H Western. I have lifelong friend who has done both since age 10.

And it is expensive. And Golf is not cheap, having a brother who started golf at a young age and never stopped.

The cheapest sport is track & field.

Ren

Ms Fritz,

I would say golf is more of a cerebral sport and can develop for the less coordinated.

It that works in the environment you are in. Golf is not an easy sport to partake in but it might work for you DS.

My DH is not coordinated, and I tried tennis with him and he tried golf. Running did work.

Ren

I know it's obvious but be sure you are modeling that behavior first. As in "I can't even do half the poses in my yoga class; I keep falling over. But boy do I love it"

it is too bad that the swimming didnt work out. That would have been my first suggestion. It's "competitive", but you are really only trying to beat your best time.

eta: You might some of these things again at a later date. 6 is really young to be crossing them off the list for good.

My D16 fences. BUT, she was much like the OP's son... She tried several sports over the years, but that self-conscious, self-critical component was a real handicap. She did not start fencing until this last year. I wish we had started a year or two sooner, but really think if we had started any earlier than that, her self-defeating attitude would have killed it anyway.

We just kept a consistent message that she has to do something athletic, and stick with it for a full season once she signs up. I do think that sports that can be played more for fun worked best. For several years she took tennis lessons with a teacher who taught all levels of kids and did a ton of fun drills with them for most of every lesson. It wasn't a winning/losing/match thing at all. That was a good fit, until she got old enough to play on a team. Then she didn't like it.

She does love fencing now. It is cerebral, as mentioned above, and many of the kids who do it at her club are pretty geeky (like she is)