I asked for her to be placed in a first grade class for math, but they wouldn't do it and wouldn't test her for it. I felt like i didn't have the ammunition to make a problem out of it, and that is really my own shortcoming.
If it's your shortcoming, it's not your personal shortcoming! When your children were young, you probably got all sorts of advice and suggestions about 'what solid food' to try first, etc. from neighbors, relatives and medical folks. You might have tried those suggestions, or you might have been helped to know your own mind just by hearing the other folk's ideas and feeling your reactions to them. We need other people who've walked this road to know our own minds. While there are a few instances where there is some local friend who has walked a similar path, the topics of testing and accommodation aren't in the same category as nap issues and solid foods. You probably have very few people IRL to bounce these ideas off of. Then they go round and round in the head and that makes it worse.
A few of us have parents who went into the schools and made a fuss, but most of us have parents who taught us that we 'just have to accept things' and that 'the school knows best.' Not much help there.
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So who did you ask about the 1st grade Math, and on what basis, and how many different people and how many times did you ask? Did you ask at a meeting or via email? (face to face and in a written letter are the strongest asks)
Is there anyone at the school who feels a little guilty for the road your son went down who could work from the inside on behalf of your DD? I can pictur you saying: "You remember that my son was very gifted but his personality made that easy to overlook and how chagrined we all were? My daughter seems to be in a similar situation - can you help us not go down that same road?"
In the end, the words that speak loudest to schools are the language of social/emotional needs. If you can translate your DD's experience into this language you are more likely to get attention. If you feel the urge to cry, please allow yourself to do so in front of the GC or Principle. They need to see how much this situation is tearing up both you and your DD. "She gets stomach aches on school days" "She cries on Sunday nights" etc. The school need to know that she is being stressed, and struggling with the situation, and as a Mom, you are in a best position to be a reporter of the subtle stuff.
For most of my life situations, keeping myself calm and logical is the best way to get what I want, but when dealing with Elementary Schools, you wouldn't believe how fast things changed when I started weeping in the Principle's office. I was very clear that they were good people who wanted what was best for my son, so there was no blame in the emotional mix (except maybe self-blame) but I was clearly highly distressed over the situation. The Principle's response was: "No child should hate 2nd grade THAT much."
Best Wishes,
Grinity
