Polarbear, there are two reasons I wanted her to watch the tutorial first..she has a pattern of "jumping the gun" and doing something that she then cannot undo - like cutting instead of folding.. she often doesn't fully understand what she is doing but just jumps in. With cooking I let her make mistakes. I have more eggs and flour. With this kit, I could not just drive to the store and get a second one, or deal with the huge tantrum that would ensue when she made the mistake. Secondly, and more importantly the tutorial was not for the panda specifically, it was for a bear kit made by the same company - so it wasn't exactly the same thing but I thought it would help us (along with the confusing written instructions) figure out how to make the panda.
However your description of your DC (and blackcat) sounds the most like my DD. I am doing all these things. When she is in the kitchen, and she is doing something that we tell her to stop doing (and she talks back) she is told if she continues I will kick her out of the kitchen. That worked. After this happened and she was calm, I do/did tell her that her behavior is unacceptable to people- that some people will tolerate it in 2 year olds but they will not tolerate it from a child her age. I also tell her I understand because I was very like her at her age, and that it is important because she has big emotions that she will have to develop ways of coping with them. I explained what coping mechanisms were (e.g., if you have a friend you are fighting with and don't want to say something you will regret you should leave and come back when you are calmer and they are calmer for instance)
I do remember these feelings and they were almost like rage attacks… you get so frustrated you can't stand it and blow up. I explained to her that the ability for her to control her emotions may also be dependent on whether she is tired or hungry (which lower her ability to cope). I hesitate to give her the message that she is "bad" because these traits may be related to a 2nd E we have in the family (and like ADHD) you can either get the message that you are "bad" and it becomes a part of your self view, or you can see your qualities more positively but something you have to manage: For instance, having strong emotions that can be a positive thing if used responsibly. Previously I explained to her that having big emotions is like a super power- if you can burn things with your eyes, you want to use it when you need to use it for good, not on innocent bystanders and your friends. It's just that when she is in it (and I remember what it was like, still do lose it sometimes) it's very hard to talk yourself down.
Forgot to address general (non-tantrum) bad tone/brattiness: with that I always say to her - how could you say that in a way that would make me want to help you? Or I address it in some other way that makes her have to think about how she is saying something. If she tries but her tone is still bad, I will model for her what I want to hear. If she doesn't get it after that (which is rare) I just walk away and ignore her.
My problem is I think I am doing a good job, but then we have a blowup like yesterday and then I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. It's very wearing
