Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Intensely Independent

I hear you because my ex-husband and I are both extremely independent and adventurous and our two children are like that as well. They argue everything and no, never accept authority for what it is--even when pleasing people, they still think it's totally fine to argue their points.

I explain a lot of my responsibilities as a parent. I reason with them. There's never just, "No because I said so." At worst, I will say, "I am going to tell you now and explain later because this is something of an emergency."

Key points to most explanations:

--I pay for the insurance, and I can't afford more, so you have to live within my risk limits. When you show me that you have proof of six months' income to pay twice the dental insurance / health insurance / car insurance / life insurance / rental insurance, then we can talk about your trampoline-based obstacle course on the roof.

--We have a limited income. It's my responsibility to provide for you, but if that thing breaks, that comes out of our Christmas fund. End of story.

--I am obliged by LAW to (a) ensure you are in the care of an adult until you are at least eight, (b) send you to school or state our home/unschooling plan, (c) provide you with basic food, shelter, and clothing. That means I have to work and you have to go somewhere, which cannot be my work. Just not going is not an option, legally speaking. I have no choice. I will really, truly go to jail if we make a habit of me leaving you alone, or not going to work. And even supposing I was okay with that, who would take care of your sister? This is not a question of parental authority. It is civilization.

--You can fail all your classes. I'll just tell you what my mom told me: no way in heck am I having an 18-year-old do-nothing live here. I won't feel the slightest bit guilty if you leave this house and can't even get into community college and have to sleep on the couch of a drug dealer, because I am doing my best to support you in moving forward with any other effort-based option. Your choices affect your future.

And so on. My children hate getting lectured. They say to me, like I said to my mom, "Can I have a spanking instead? This hurts worse than a spanking."

I've offered both my children to move out (when they said it was so horrible here and nobody loved them, etc.), but they conceded that the tyranny of poverty was worse than the tyranny of "I am not paying for sugary cereals because I'm not paying for avoidable dental work or insulin." My older daughter was once offered the chance to canvas the neighborhood to see if she wanted another family (after threatening to run away, I said fine, go for it)... she said she did, but everyone said they didn't have any rooms left. She came back and we said we loved her and were glad she decided to make living in a family work.

I think you get the point. Ultimately, they do what we want because (a) we have all the money and (b) the free lunch runs out and we are the only ones who know how they can manage when that happens.



But we don't hesitate to explain this.