I think it is really easy to expect too much of our kids vecause they seem so much mire mature. They are still kids as well. We aim towards the age DS 4 mostly acts like (so higher expectations than 4) but if it is age appropriate behaviour eg meltdown because he is very tired then I (like to hope anyway) treat him like a 4 year old eg lots of cuddles and understand that it is reasonable etc. We found the book 'unconditional parenting' to be excellent.