Here's Situation...DS10,Gifted, Anxiety,ADHD,Depression. This school year 2014-15 and with the agreement of his 4th grade teacher I started homeschooling my DS. He has been extremely anxious at school (a very small private school) for over a year. I had to negotiate with him on a daily basis to get him to go/stay everyday. Now that he's home he is progressing rapidly through his work and is now working in all subjects @ a 2+ year progression. We just finally went through testing (WISC-IV) and are waiting on the report. I'm glad he is doing well now but I am concerned he's not being challenged enough. I am getting really burned out on having him with me 24/7. He still has all of the issues that he had in school but now it's up to me to meet his needs all the time. I hate to admit it, but I am finding myself getting resentful. We are in a very poor/failing/rural school district and my chances for outside help are minimal. I just feel like crying sometimes. I have my issues too, as being diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis a few years ago and I am in pain and exhausted most days. Am I the only one who feels like this? All I seem to read are these wonderful, glowing, parents who talk about the joys homeschooling. I would love to have him in school, with other kids who could be a support to him too. But he prefers to be within a few feet of me most of the time. Even when we go anywhere with his brothers, within an hour he wants to go home, I am stuck. When other parents talk to me about doing it themselves I tell them that it isn't as romantic as they think. I guess I need some moral support. Just my rant for the day. I don't have anyone who understands what it is like to to have such a fierce mind totally dependent on me. Thanks for listening parents!

I think the problem is that you are overwhelmed by having him with you 24/7 and having to meet all of his needs all the time, particularly since you have RA and chronic pain.

So, you are going to need to figure out a way to get some relief from this stress and get someone to help with him, even if it is minimal, or it sounds like you are going to completely smoosh your physical condition, given your RA/pain/fatigue.

For starters, you should probably stop reading stories about wonderful, glowing, parents and the joys of homeschooling.

Okay, you just made me laugh!

I am certainly no expert but IMO sometimes you have to take some of these homeschooling "success" stories with a grain of salt. I think many don't want to admit how difficult it is and choose to forget the bad times. It's like on these threads you rarely hear a good story about s teacher but you hear about every bad teacher.

Yes.


I say this to you with all love in my heart-- truly-- I've been in your shoes.

If you have your son in someone ELSE's care for a few hours each week, sure, it'll be less than ideal. BUT-- is he at risk of death or permanent damage from those few hours? Truly think and answer carefully. I'll wait.





I thought so. Now-- since you will be getting him back in one piece, start making phone calls. This isn't selfish-- you're doing it so that you have enough respite (and energy) to do this for the long haul. I'd TELL HIM THAT.



Yes, again! I gave that up cold turkey in about our 6th month-- er, or maybe it was "week"-- of homeschooling, because it was no picnic for me, that's for sure.

Actually, my initial response to your statement was even more harsh than Jon's. It was-- "Laugh-- because they are LYING THROUGH THEIR TEETH, probably because they'd otherwise be crying, because they are writing that blog entry while the older children are doing medical experiments upon the family pets or younger siblings, and the house is in the process of being burned to the ground. Or they are fabulously wealthy and have staff who ACTUALLY attend to their lives because how else do you suppose they have the time to maintain that lovely blog and update it daily about the doings with their twelve homeschooled darlings, hmmm?"

Anyway; in all seriousness-- I'd have given a limb for safe respite care. If you CAN-- you SHOULD.

Sadly, the answer to my question was an emphatic "yes, this would be life-threatening," which is how I wound up spending years and years at the end of my own rope. I do not recommend that.




I completely understand-- I wish that I could offer you a gentle hug. I know that it SEEMS as though this is an endless lonely road that you're walking on, with no end-- ever. It does end, though.


Also-- how old is your child??

If he's more than 5-7yo, there's also a HUGE problem with thinking that YOU are completely responsible for meeting ALL of his needs.

With kids at higher LOG, that's simply an impossible thing to begin with, if you see what I mean. HE needs to take some responsibility for meeting his needs. You aren't his personal slave, you're his parent. Not even a parent can be ALL things to one of these kids-- nor should we try. They're capable of draining you to an empty husk.

Enforce boundaries. That's a hard-won bit of advice that I'm giving you. If you don't, this will eat you alive. Do some things that are not about meeting his needs-- or about basic survival, for that matter. That might feel selfish, but that in and of itself is a problem-- you are his parent, yes, but you are still a person with worth of your own, too.

Oxygen-mask time. Put your own on first.

One thing that turned my anxious, sensory, Asperger's child around was swim team. The water is great for sensory needs. The tasks were great for his anxiety (he set small goals and overcame fears and felt great about his accomplishments over and over again).

Started with 1 hour a day for four days a week at age ten and now at age 14 he does 3.5 hours a day for 5 to six days a week...over the summer twice a day some days. Days he misses practice he isn't as centered.

Not saying swimming is your answer...but find an activity with an understanding coach, one that is a good match for him, and the ability to drop him off. That one hour break was exactly what I needed. Randomly I watched and took pictures. Anxious kids need hard exercise. Anxious kids' moms need a break.

I also agree with "daily living skills". Laundry, basic cooking, sweeping, weeding, we have no snow here but I would think snow shoveling, pet care....all those things take the time to teach, do the task with him, eventually have him do them independently. I think it makes people less anxious when they have skills and responsibility that make them feel good about contributing and less of a burden.

When I homeschooled (and every summer) I have quiet hour right after lunch.... Everyone In his or her own room, alone--reading, writing, napping or non-electronic quiet playing (such as quietly playing with Legos) are the only activities allowed. We set a timer and everyone is so much less cranky with the forced quiet in the house for that hour. It is rejuvenating. We get along so much better and I get an hour where I am not the cruise director (or referee or hand maiden)

You have gotten so much great advice here that I can't think of anything to add. I would like to share though that our first attempt at homeschooling was an unmitigated disaster. It was horrible. She was unhappy, we were unhappy, we were all sick of one another. Sure she was learning, but at what cost to everyone's well-being, sanity, and family harmony? The way we made it work the second time around was through a mass outsourcing. Sports, classes, lessons, playdates, sleepovers, more classes. And it's still not that easy (though obviously it's gone from totally not worth it to ok, we can make this work).

Big virtual hug.

"Wonderful, glowing, parents who talk about the joys homeschooling": False.

"I just feel like crying sometimes.": True

"Such a fierce mind": Really, seriously, totally true.

We don't homeschool, so I can only extrapolate from vacations and summer. But dear god we are so wiped out so much of the time. Lady - I don't know how you do it. But I can tell you I'll bet anything it's worth it. Because, don't forget the anxiety you felt every day, all day, when your child was in school. Perpetually waiting for tears, anger, frustration. And that was just from the teacher!!

I don't mean to be flip. You are doing such an amazing thing for your child. And nobody can understand just how amazing it is until they've grabbed one of these little tigers by the tail. Nobody. Seriously. You are awesome.

Sue

And to pile on what the others say - take care of yourself. Gove yourself some time to yourself. It's like on the airplane when they say "be sure to put on your oxygen mask before assisting others." If you don't take care of yourself, the whole thing will come tumbling down!

Sue

2E kids are no joke. We have a stretch of pretty good days, and then a string of days where I want to send him back to school. Just to get him out of my hair. Honestly? This may sound selfish but the best strategy I have found is for me to see what my needs are to be happy and to do those things. For me, I need a little quiet time, a little reading, outside time, and exercise daily. Do I get all of that daily and still homeschool well? Nope. It's a balance. But if we need to be with these kids all day long most days, we need to also take care of ourselves. It's certainly not all sunshine and roses. I like to compare it to what it was like last year (in public school) and that always helps me to have perspective. Is it perfect? Heck no. Is it better? MUCH. Hang in there!

This is eerily true for my dd too. They had a week off of swim practice over Christmas and she was a hot mess.

I'm guilty of being one of those glowing homeschoolers. Ivy's right, outsourcing is key. I would not be doing this if I didn't live in a community with amazing homeschooling resources. My kid is in ~3/4 day programs for homeschoolers three days a week, and I'm looking into hiring a few hours of babysitting time for the other two days because she still overwhelms me. (Oh, yeah, also: I have a job I'm supposed to be doing.)

You said that you live in a small rural community. Seriously, I don't say this lightly: If you think you will need to homeschool over the long term, is there any chance you can move? I can't emphasize enough how important community is to making homeschooling a good experience.

In the shorter term: hang in there, and I'm so glad you have this board where you can vent!

Thank you all so much once again for all your kind words and honest comments. Parents who don't have 2e kids have no clue, DH took him over to see grandma & grandpa for a few hours today so I could watch the Bronco Game!

You reminded me of those days last year, yep, I used to wait for the phone to ring! DS has anxiety that was so bad when he was in school and he missed so much last year I thought I should get a refund on tuition! Thanks so much for responding to me, it help to know I'm not alone!

Oh when I homeschooled my anxious kid part of his homeschooling was learning how to deal with anxiety. Relaxation techniques, supporting him when anxious but making him take baby steps to overcome fear. There are great books out there...what to do when you worry too much, the relaxation workbook, the anxiety workbook ( the last two are for adults but you can get some good information for yourself out of there to help him)

http://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144

http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobi...+anxiety+and+phobia+workbook+6th+edition

http://www.amazon.com/Relaxation-Re...+anxiety+and+phobia+workbook+6th+edition

The big thing was getting him out of the fight or flight mode 24/7. No one can keep that up and then slowly stretching his wings.

We tried therapy but the therapist didn't get it. He just worried about earning the rewards and transferred mega anxiety to the whole reward system. Maybe good therapy would help.

We're working with both a counselor and psychologist, and they are working with each other so we're trying to cover our bases. I challenged him to one public school class next year, the private school he attended only takes students full-time. There is a school he would consider (22 miles on way from our house) I'm not thrilled about the drive but there are other parents here who do it because of how bad our district is. We just don't have the options or resources that larger communities have.

I have found one homeschooling group in the next town over, they are having a meeting tomorrow. DS is excited to go and meet some other homeschooled kids. And of course we have another winter storm warning out, which for us could mean a foot of snow by the morning.

Another thought (which maybe someone mentioned as I only skimmed) is a tutor to come in once or twice a week. It sounds expensive and hard to find in a rural area. But rather than an actual subject expert I am thinking more of a friendly high school junior/senior who could come and just be companionable to your DS for an hour or two while you are still there, playing whatever role you feel is useful. Call it logic/strategy class and have them play new card games (or instead think of something that sounds interesting to your DS). You would be there and available, but perhaps with time would be able to go off to get something else done, or rest. And would pay them not a tutor rate but a babysitting rate. We did something like this last year and it was awesome, and the girl is in college now and DS spends hours at her house (very happily) every time she's home

Our other solution was getting used to driving long distances. So my other thought is if the first homeschooling group doesn't work out (we checked out several that just were too different in focus for us), find another even if it's further. Last year I ended up going with DS regularly once a week to one homeschool group class an hour away. More driving time than class time, but was absolutely worth it. For DS, but also for me. The teacher was okay with a parent sitting in the back of the class when they heard that DS would be happier that way. Halfway through the year I was able to transition out to the hallway (where parents often hung out and chatted). It was not even the first time the teacher had had a parent sit in. Having an externally delineated schedule even one day of the week was a relief, it wasn't all up to me.

There was another benefit of organized homeschool classes (I mean weekly organized classes run by parents but taught by a teacher, which you may or may not have access to depending on your area) was they were heterogeneous in age, and taught at a higher level than DS's public school experience. The increased engagement in the subject material (over what was available in the public system) distracted DS from his own personal issues more than I expected. It was a new physical setting too and it didn't look "school-like" so he didn't have the mild ptsd type response he had to his regular school building.

Anyhow, don't give up entirely on homeschool groups or classes if tomorrow's group isn't right.

you hit the nail on the head when you referred to your own DS as having a PTSD reaction to school. I haven't been able to get my own to articulate his issues with school but that makes perfect sense to me. I have put out feelers for homeschooling groups and just had not had a lot of luck finding any. I live in a very locally inclusive area and if your not from here (which I'm not) being included into the "mix" is hard.
I have thought about about a HS student doing some tutoring. How would I go about finding one? I don't want to sound silly but really, do I call the school and ask?
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond!!!

Call the school and ask for the sponsor of the National Honor Society. When you get in touch with that person, have a list of things you might want the tutor to work on (for example...Latin, advanced math, chess, geography, strategy games, etc.) and ask for a list of names of students who would want to tutor in any of those areas plus be a mentor. What they worked on together would depend on the high school student that you select in the end.

I would have all interested students send you an email resume and letter and I would send them what the commitment would be (how many hours a week, how many times...like once a week for an hour or twice a week for an hour).

You have him with you during the day, but there must be activities in the afternoon and evening.

I would not feel bad about enrolling him in after-school activities where you can drop him off. Find something that lasts for more than an hour and parents don't have to attend.

I wouldn't even worry that much about it being something he loved. Its good to get use to different situations. Library volunteer, chess club, a sport, tutoring center where he can tutor other kids, youth groups, etc.

Then you can have some time to yourself in the afternoon and evening.

Guiding a child to research and planning activities may in some cases help direct their energy to a positive place. A child considering "worst case scenario" and finding various work-arounds to keep moving forward may in some cases help reduce anxiety and add an element of self-confidence, even a sense of looking forward to taking on the challenge.

Journaling or a "daily sketchbook" may also provide a child with meaningful time for self-reflection. Parents could provide prompts or questions, they could be random ideas placed on slips of paper and drawn from a bag or box, they could be sourced from poems, song lyrics, book titles or ad phrases, news headlines, etc.

These activities, scheduled at a set time each day, could possibly provide a brief respite for the parent. Best wishes.