DD 22 months watches far too much TV every day. I just don't know what to do with her. If she isn't watching TV, she wants me involved in whatever she's doing... although sometimes I can clean or whatever and she'll just play with me as I move around.

I know we should go outside more but I HATE the weather here. It is SO hot and uncomfortable. It's October and still in the 80s most days. I've been here two years and I still hate it and want to stay in a/c all day.

If the day went the way she wanted it to, I think it would be a long series of me amusing her by playing with play dough, watching her do puzzles, helping her practice riding her balance bike, holding her while I dance around the room, chasing her down the sidewalk, and then fending off requests for "Barney". She would also probably love going to the park and out to places more each day.

It's not like it is tons of work...and I love being with her... but dare I say I get a little bored? I feel horrible saying that, but it's really hard for me to watch her do puzzles, etc. for more than an hour. I start thinking about doing work on my business and I shamelessly try to get her excited to go watch Super Why, and after a few episodes it is time for lunch and a nap. I enjoy researching, writing, and furthering my business, but I feel like I should have better time management skills and keep the work to only a few hours a day.

I cook sporadically, we have no bed time routine because DH gets home late, and the house is kind of a mess.

I don't understand how SAHM's want to run around all day to the park, playdates, enrichment activities.... and still clean their house, make lots of food, and play with their kids. I feel selfish and like I am failing miserably at this domestic thing. It was my business that kept me SANE through the first year of her life. The colic, her intensity, her screaming in the car seat...I dove into the work to keep my mind engaged in something.

I think it is really hard, too, because she doesn't talk. She just signs. I don't know what she's thinking about half the time and we can't have a real conversation yet. And actually, I will probably feel worse when she starts talking, because then she'll probably be begging me to structure her day like I just wrote.

Blah. I'm thinking of finishing college now, too, on top of working on my business, and I'm afraid she'll be even more shortchanged.

I always try to remind myself how fast she's growing and how I will miss these sweet days, but still, I don't seem to have the dedication necessary to do everything "right."

Oh, I feel for you! I do not have the patience for all of that, either, and even while I am thinking that I should just enjoy the kids now and savor the moments because they are growing up so fast, it drives me up the wall to even try to be involved in DDs games and listen to her reading. She wants to play all the time, talk all the time nonstop, and I want to go hide my head in a pillow and scream. My brain is trying to be off thinking of the things I need to be doing, and it gets so itchy when I have to try and answer the same question for the fifteenth time.

I send them to watch TV just to give my poor brain some time to focus on something for more than two seconds without an interruption. They want to go to the park, and it bores me to death, and I wish that I was one of those moms who can follow the kids around, push them on the swings, exclaim over every piece of gravel and flower, and play all their games. But I'm not. I read my book and try really hard for some silence while they are doing something else.

Wishing I had all that energy and dedication to every childhood moment is not going to make it so. I remember that my mom said more than once that she always enjoyed it when her kids got old enough to be interesting -- and she wasn't talking about age 3, or 6, or maybe even 10. And my mom was a wonderful mom to me, but I look back and see that she probably wanted to pull her hair out a lot when I was little.

Don't feel guilty about not being the Stepford mom. Take what little time you can manage for yourself -- you need it.

Oh, and the talking thing -- you spend all that time wishing they could talk, but when they start, the next 8 or 10 years (at least) are spent wishing they would stop!

Yeah. This:
"I wish that I was one of those moms who can follow the kids around, push them on the swings, exclaim over every piece of gravel and flower, and play all their games. But I'm not. I read my book and try really hard for some silence while they are doing something else."

All my friends do the "attachment parenting" thing and DH and I are into it, too. I pat myself on the back for still co-sleeping and nursing my almost two year old. I try to tell myself she is getting lots of love and affection, even if I do escape to my work more than I should. And since she learned her ABCs long ago and is showing interest in reading and counting, I feel like I should be doing waaaay more of that stuff with her to help her along. I do / did want to homeschool, after all.

Is it possible for you to get a nanny/mother's helper for a few hours each week if not each day? That way you can focus on your business or whatever else you have and your dd can still do the things you list such as going to the park. Also, one thing that works for me is to let my dd lead some activities but make her follow activities that are led by me. So for example I will say to her," okay, I will read these three books but after that you are going to help me make dinner or clean up or fold laundry because mommy need help and you are the best helper i have." she gets really excited that she has responsibilities. Maybe you could also look into a daycare/preschool for a couple a half days a week so she not only gets to do some fun stuff but also learn how to self entertain.

Unfortunately, we have a negative budget right now for any sort of daycare and her separation anxiety is still pretty bad. We do one day a week to a homeschool coop and we hang out in the daycare room and then go to the park. I also try to visit my mom once a week and DD likes that.

I definitely do that method when I need to cook or when it is time for bed, but I find it more difficult to do that when I'd like to do some work, or even just get a break and come on here or fb. TV is the only activity she'll do alone.

She... knows what she wants. She wants to lead all the activities these days. Even the books - she likes to control those and "read" them herself. She'll now choose a jigsaw any day over a book. Mainly she just uses me for meeting her goals and for cuddling. She wants to sit on my lap and have me watch and clap as she does her puzzle, but I'd better not "help" too much! She wants me to attend to her play dough creations and sit at her small table and then she'll tell me what to do (kind of... like roll her hands together for me to make a ball or point to her hand for a play dough bracelet.)
She comes to me a lot with a dress stuck around her arm or something, because she wants to put it on. I love love love all the new and interesting things she's doing (we just did a 25 pc puzzle she's done ONCE that she got tonight and she did it in under 15 minutes!)

This 24/7 mama stuff is just rough. Life has been so much easier "using" TV, but I know it isn't good for her. Maybe my expectations for my own mothering skills are too high and too high for how independent a 22 month old should be. She's not even 2, after all.

DS3 wants constant input/participation from me as well, and as an introvert I often find his neediness exhausting. He's going through a phase where he wants me to talk to him non-stop all day long. He loves language and soaks it up, but sometimes I just crave some silence. And especially when he was younger, I also found myself bored, as much as I love(d) to be with him.

I wanted him to go to preschool this year but it didn't work out, so I started to look online for activities to do with him to add some variety to our day. He loves sensory bins, costumes, plastic animals, play doh, water play, simple science demos, spooky crafts, and anything hands-on. I found that introducing new things helped break up the monotony for me and made me feel less guilty about the time he does spend watching TV so I can get a break.

My husband commented recently, "You don't like to cook or clean or stay at home, so why did you want another baby?" I do wonder what I've gotten myself into, but I also think it's okay to look forward to life beyond the baby years.

Maybe I should feel bad for not feeling bad at all that my kids watch a lot of tv? I like tv, so why shouldn't they? I guess I don't expect more from them than, or much different from them than us. I guess.
I've mentioned before that I have family in the video game and tv businesses and writers and comic books too so I guess all this may seem different because I think of movies and video games as creative works.

I also try to do new things or sit down and give her my full attention for whatever she wants at several points during the day so I feel less guilty about the TV.

I want another one, too, maybe after DD is around 3.5 years old. But I dread "starting over" again with pregnancy and all of it. I have my own huge inner drive to keep learning and pursuing the things I'm passionate about and I have trouble switching gears. You have to be pretty self-sacrificing when they are so small and also drop whatever you're doing at any time and sometimes once every 15 minutes. It can be maddening. I've learned more about patience, certainly, but I don't think it's bad to look forward to beyond the baby years.

This might seem counterintuitive but you might see about watching another kid close to her age during the day. My mom and another mom down the street had this arrangement when I was a preschooler. It gave both moms free time and they say we were easier to watch together than separately because we kept each other entertained. Since it was someone from my street, I was able to start kindergarten with a friend.

My mom also gave me an easy to operate tape recorder and told me to talk to it instead. I loved listening to myself talk. (should have been a cue I'd grow up to be a lawyer)

Anyway, my mom was a lot like you. I only remember her playing with me once and it was kind of awkward. She is same way with her grandsons. Grandma = movie marathon. Don't feel guilty. Some people just can't get into all that stuff and it is fine.

My brother and I also had a lot of screen time. She likes to tell people that my brother's skill in arthroscopic surgery is due entirely to her allowing him to play video games as much as he wanted as a kid. I am sure this is ridiculous but at this point we indulge her.

Oh no.. I definitely play with her. I have spent hours and hours and hours going over her wooden letters, doing puzzles with her, dancing with her, etc. She's not weaned yet, either, so we touch base throughout the day. She's getting a play stove for her 2nd bday and I look forward to playing pretend more with her. She does things like pretend a necklace is a stethoscope and listen to our hearts... we go along and play. It's just the amount of interaction she needs that wears me out.

I bet her having a playmate would be great, but I'm not sure I'm brave enough lol

LOL they don't! (or at least the ones like me don't)


That makes two of us then

You're NOT a bad mom. I have no answers other than to say you're not alone

Like MotherofToddler says, it's an EXTREMELY tough age. My two are 8 and 9 now, but I still remember. It gets SO MUCH BETTER as they get older

As far as having a second... mine are 19 months apart and it's been brilliant. The whole "two in diapers" phase was survivable and now I'm reaping the benefits of all early hard work: they play together, keep each other company, help each other, challenge each other, etc etc. I wouldn't have wanted them any further apart in age.

Hang in there... it'll get better

The fact that you're worried about being a bad mom should be a clue that you aren't one. This is a tough age to parent any kid but a gifted, hungry brain that can't speak fluently yet makes it even harder. Mine are 5 and 10 and I still haven't figured out how to like playing with them (I get bored), attending to their constant chatter, and doing housework. Mine are lucky to have an aunt who does pretend play with them and I'm always reminding them that this is her thing, not mine.

For my first, we had a playgroup for a few kids where 2 moms stayed to watch them, and the rest got an hour off. It was really a revelation. I could prep myself to be 'on' for an hour when it was my week - plan painting or whatever - and then on my hour off, sometimes I would just sit in my car and cry, or take a book to a cafe. It kept me sane. Having the second mom around means that one can handle a crisis, while the other watches the kids who are doing fine. Added bonus: with fewer moms, the kids began to interact with each other as peers much more. Their social skills (OK, we are talking 1-3 year olds here) really soared.

I do much better if I can plan ahead, so activities like these worked for me. I spent an hour or two one evening making up activity kits, then had something to pull out to keep her busy and let me catch my breath:
http://www.redshift.com/~bonajo/preschool_activities.htm

It also helped me to think of self-entertainment or independent play as a skill to be taught. I was not being selfish or a bad mom, I was *teaching* her something useful! It takes a while, so set tiny goals at first. Give her washable markers and a paper, and ask her to make you a surprise drawing. 30 seconds later, ooh and aah and ask her to add some more details or make you another... Eventually you work up to a more comfortable amount of time.

And keep reminding yourself that it gets better.

YES. THIS.

Particularly when that child also isn't particularly "into" age-typical activities or those low-cost camps, classes, and activities which are open to toddlers and preschoolers.

As I just posted in another thread (preschool learning materials and software), my daughter and I both just wound up tearful, angry, and resentful if I pushed her to do all of those great things that FamilyFun magazine (and Mothering, and Waldorf... and, and, and) encourage. She HATED that stuff.

I finally realized that so did I, and we were better off doing what we didn't actively loathe. Life's too short to spend it on "should do, even though I hate it" and I'm not sure what she got out of pottery class, but I'm pretty sure that the instructor and the rest of the class got out of it that I was the meanest mom in the world and that my daughter was probably autistic because of her sensory issues and meltdowns (she isn't, but BOY does she not like having her hands or any other part of her either wet or dirty...)

I finally enforced "quiet time." This was in self-defense, honestly. I insisted that DD play in her room independently for some portions of the day. I also used media to babysit her for short periods of time, since we could not leave her with a sitter (medical reasons).

I listed some of my other tricks in that other post. Just knowing that you aren't as alone in this as you feel probably helps.

You are not alone....

Although I must say I enjoy parts of being a SAHM to my 2 boys, almost 3 and almost 5, it is completely exhausting! I do enjoy sitting down with them talking, reading, playing games etc. But I am not the mom running around the playground with a big smile on my face. Or if I do have a big smile it is more likely fake....:-)

I can't say I was born to be a SAHM, but I wasn't made to have a career either...so here I am. I am currently enjoying the process a lot more than in the past because I am realizing this is the beginning of the end of this phase of my life. The toddler phase. I want to enjoy every second. Not so much that I feel I have to do all these activities with them etc. More just paying attention to what they do. Watching them walk, play, and enjoying how adorable they are, being so little. I take time to listen to them express themselves, ask them questions and so on. Getting away from all the "shoulds" and just being in the moment, right here, with them.

Turns out not all TV is necessarily always bad for all children: check out this article on gifted children and the benefits of TV: http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19930521&slug=1702386
According to the study's authors gifted children are more actively engaged with TV and actually do learn from TV (if it is the right program of course).
My son is 4 and he loves "The Magic Schoolbus", "Sid the Science Kid" and other shows like that. He has learned a lot from these shows and as soon as he has a new interest I follow up on it with books from the library and hands-on activities such as experiments. He learned about molecules from the Magic Schoolbus and we've been studying chemistry ever since. I think it's all about the balance ...

Could you be a little depressed? SAHMIng to one is hard. In most ways, I actually found it easier with two (note that my kids are 4 years apart, though). It's a bit of an echo chamber.

Do you have a group of mom friends? I desperately needed adult conversation during the early years.

Teaching kids to play independently is a lot of work, but worth it. My son was just very ill and got a lot of attention as a result. He now is used to it and is constantly asking to be played with round the clock. It's exhausting. He is the same child as he always was, so I can clearly see that we "de-trained" him. From babyhood on, I have always tried to melt away as soon as I see them playing happily without me. I reinforce it, too ("Thanks for letting me get this work done! Now let's read a book for a while," and then later, "I need to do XYZ and then we can...") Also, teaching children to wait is a huge life skill. I don't mean to sound like a hopeless prig, but I do know a lot of AP-minded parents who have always pretty much dropped everything for their child. It sets up an expectation for the kid that they are always #1.

Also, I have spent some time just asking myself, "What things do I actually enjoy doing with my child?" Do those things! A lot! They may not be the things you think they "should" be, but who cares?

I've experienced the same thing, because coming home from a long day at work and a stressful commute to become fully engaged in Daddy Time all evening/weekend can be just as draining as being there 24/7.

Some other people have already chimed in with different parts of how I dealt with it, so I'll summarize for reinforcement:

- Don't be afraid to set availability boundaries, ie: "Mommy needs to do this now, go find something you can do on your own."

- Don't be afraid to set play boundaries, ie: "Mommy doesn't want/like to play that, let's do something else." I've always tried to avoid playing things I hate, because if I'm miserable, I'll end up making DD miserable, too. If we find something to play where there's common interest, it's way more rewarding for both of us.

Yeah, my DD7 could hit a whiffle ball at 3, then played Jedi with the bats, learned about fixing the washing machine, made fighting robots with legos (and then fought them), and I make no apologies. If she wants to play dolls or kitchen, she has a mommy (and these days, friends her own age). I'll play kitchen with her once in a while, in small doses, but I have a strict no dolls rule. In following her lead on some of these games/activities, I've actually managed to walk on my hands for a few steps, and I'm quickly closing in on mediocrity with the guitar. I've also added, "Daddy's little personal trainer" to her long list of nicknames, because she exercises me pretty well.

- Don't worry too much about screen time, because gifted kids are the exception to every rule, including the one about too much screen time. Anyway, there's a big difference between the child who gets more than 2 hours of TV versus the kid who watches all day and gets no adult engagement. There's also a lot more high-quality content for toddlers than there was in our days.

I heard about a study where parents identified that the LEAST happy part of their day was when they were actually with their kids. The happiest? When they were THINKING about their kids.

There is a mundane, banging-head-against-the-wall quality to motherhood that is VERY normal. My best advice is to get with other moms who are "real" with you. You are most definitely not alone.

I completely commiserate! You'd be hard pressed to find anyone who relishes housekeeping. I'm an awful housekeeper with a baby around, but I think the correlation between household management and quality parenting is about zero.

SAH-parenthood is a real exercise of love. It sounds like this certainly isn't in short supply for you.

I find a great way to engage myself while still being "involved" in play is to wake up a few minutes early and scan pubmed, the markets, the news, business cases, or some other resource to look for novel business or scientific ideas. Armed with some fodder, I can brainstorm for business plans, etc. during activities where my son takes the lead.

It sounds trivial, I know, but it's a small step that has restored considerable personal fulfillment to my harder days. You mention your business as a source of fulfillment, so maybe this might offer a helpful outlet?

I just wanted to update this for other desperate moms who might read it... things get better! I guess they cycle...
Things are pretty good right now...We have *kind of* a routine. It is like:
*Mom works from 8am-10:30am
*DD wakes up, Mom makes breakfast
*11:30-12:30ish Maybe some TV, her playing around downstairs, etc.
*12:30-2ish TV / Maybe a walk since it has cooled down / maybe an activity or dancing in the living room. I often sit her at the table with watercolor paint. That can keep her busy for a half hour.
*2-5 NAP! Mommy works
*5-7 Random. TV / Playing with toys...hanging out while I cook dinner, eating dinner, playing with daddy when he gets home
*7-12 Hangs out with daddy upstairs - plays with toys, sings, dances, watches a show, maybe bath time.. falls asleep. Mommy writes her novel / works on her business / or just watches a stupid TV show. Sometimes I go upstairs and we watch a show together. DH also does homework, or sometimes plays a video game.

DD seems *happy*...really, she does. It's just key we take time out and just play with her, obviously. There may be too many TV opportunities, but I discovered the other day she's learned ALL her letter sounds from a 30 minute LeapFrog movie on Netflix. There's a few, like "Z", she can't do yet, but she makes almost every sound when I ask, and this is from a 23 month old in speech therapy because of a tongue tie we just fixed (she is also talking more, now)

My business is finally starting to pay me... I am 46k into a novel for NaNoWriMo, and I managed to clean half the house.

I think I may start going to the park and library from 5-7 and have DH pick DD up and then I can go to the coffee shop for two hours and write and he can feed her and hang out with her for two hours. That'll get us out more. Otherwise, we sometimes have a homeschool group, errands to run.. events, etc.


I guess what I'm saying is that this either gets easier as your baby becomes a preschooler - or it gets easier when you allow yourself to dive into whatever creative outlet YOU need as a mother. Then, it seems, everyone is happier. ;D

Glad you've made some headway. Personally, 18 months to about 4 was the best time for me with my son. But, he did go to a Mom's Day out twice a week. Funny: people told me that he wsn't going to benefit academically from going and I always replied "It's called MOM's DAY OUT for a reason! I'm doing it for me, not him."

Thanks for posting that islandofapples. I needed to hear that today!

Maybe I'll frame this.

LOL me too

I missed this thread earlier... when my kids were little we went to the library every week, so that was a big (and free!) event for them. Also gave us new books to read each week so we weren't stuck in a rut. They have a program at our library where your kid can read to a dog now... wish they had that when mine were small!

It costs something, but is there a community center with a pool where you could take her a couple of times a month? Sounds like your weather is beastly hot.

Regarding the housework, haven't seen anyone mention Flylady. But her website has some pretty great motivators and 'baby steps' toward organizing you house and life. I get the daily emails all bundled into one, then just read the one about today's flight plan. It is usually just one 15 minute chore a day, and some tips on keeping on top of laundry, dishes, cooking, etc. I don't do everything she suggests all the time, but she has added some sanity to our lives.

I think that choosing the right content can help a lot with feeling guilty about TV. I did my best to wait until age 2 but sometimes you just need 30 freakin' minutes. Anyway, regardless of schedule, picking good tv makes a difference.

One of my favorites is YogaKids, which gets the kids moving. It says 3-5 but my toddler enjoys trying it out. There are probably other movement dvds out there...

The other series I love is The Little Travelers, which are documentaries about 2 sisters visiting different countries (Japan, Bali, British Isles, Germany, and Iran so far).

The gentler Studio Ghibli movies are great. My 4yo fave is Whisper of the Heart. She is sensitive so virtually all Disney/Pixar is out...

Some nature movies can be good but tons of them have too much hunting and dying. Macgillivray Freeman's Dolphins is good, maybe March of the Penguins.

For the really little ones I used the Baby Signs dvds. It really helped my kids when they were 8 months and up and learning the basic signs. I would chime in now and then to praise their efforts until they got used to copying the signs.

I noticed several of you mentioned homeschooling - my kids aren't old enough yet but I could see myself trying it if regular school doesn't meet their needs.

I've been having fun dipping my toe into the homeschooling waters by teaching my 4yo piano with the "Music for little Mozarts" series. It's geared for kids 3 and up. The cd, activities, and stuffed animals have been great for getting both the 4yo and 2yo interested. There are teachers who use this series, but it was going to cost $800 for the first year! So, I got the $45 deluxe starter kit of amazon and did it myself.