Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Newbie and Your Thoughts....

New to the site and relieved to "see" my son in so many posts!

Long story short, DS10 has qualified in Reading (via MAP), but just missed in Math (our district requires both for TAG programming) for last 2 years. He is a gifted artist so we finally requested the Torrence on which he did very well and now gets pull-together programming 1x a week. He has since qualified in Math as well.

Last week at conferences, his teacher, who has been a great advocate for him, mentioned that he can come across as "thinking he's better/smarter than everybody else." She also mentioned that he acts "like a little adult" most of the time. I'm not sure exactly what to do with that information. He has been "a little adult" since he was born, it's just who he is. He does well socially in his own peer group, but he does prefer the company of adults or the kids in his TAG group.
What concerns me most is the teacher's comment that he is coming off as being arrogant or superior to his classmates. When we spoke to him about her comment, he seemed confused. He assured us he doesn't brag about being in TAG classes and has always said he hated when someone says an assignment is "soooo easy", etc. He is not always the most self-aware of his tone and body-language so it is possible that he is giving off unintentional "signals." However, since he academically more advanced than his classmates, I'm wondering if others think he is "showing off" simply because he's always first to finish an assignment or know an answer.

Has anyone else had this issue? We obviously don't want him to be arrogant about his gifted-ness, but I certainly don't want him to feel like he has to pretend he's not smart just to fit in.

Thanks! Trish

No personal parenting experience (yet!), but happened to have a conversation this weekend with my stepmother about HG stepbrother in the context of teaching social skills and she mentioned it was hard to get him to see the possibility that he might not be the expert on something, or that he could even be (gasp!) wrong sometimes and she really had to work with him on that.

So, although it could be a condescending attitude or the way that another mannerism is perceived as rude or arrogant, it might be things you haven't considered like over-sharing of his expert knowledge on the topic or a habit of "helpfully" correcting people that makes him present this way. I can see this eventually being a problem for my DS5, because in our house we tend to have lively discussions on all sorts of topics and he is allowed to ask challenging questions and point out inaccuracies to the adults (for the record, I'm usually wrong) which may not be generally acceptable behavior. He recently accosted a museum docent with intense questions and his father and I had to move him along in order to rescue the poor overwhelmed lady.

As a child I was perceived as "stuck-up" when the reality was that I was extremely shy and I really had to learn how to affect a "friendly" or more outgoing demeanor as an adult. Oh, and then there was the older boyfriend in HS who broke up with me because I used words he didn't know and that made him look dumb in front of his friends. That was me "thinking I'm smarter" than other people too.

I guess what I'm saying is there are lots of gifted behaviors that can be taken as offensive to others but aren't necessarily seen that way in a group of other gifted people. I'd ask the teacher for specific examples of things he does or that other children say which made her feel it is worth mentioning. Maybe she won't be able to pinpoint a specific example. In that case, ask her to mention it to you next time something happens so you can address it. You may get a better idea of the "problem" and how to deal with it.

Well-stated.

I was also one of those "arrogant" or "insufferable" GT kids.

I was actually very lonely and didn't fit ANYWHERE. I'm so glad that my DD has the ability to seemingly fit in pretty much anywhere, though she mentions this, as well.

It takes a certain self-awareness socially to adjust one's responses to a peer group. I didn't possess that ability. My DD does (but it seems to me that she's fairly remarkable for that).

My own mom thought that I 'needed taking down a peg or two' and she definitely went out of her way to ensure that I endured a certain amount of, well-- I'm not sure what to call it. <sigh> She definitely thought I was arrogant, however, and unlikable. And had no problem telling me so.

I think it was my vocabulary, honestly; I simply had a really hard time adjusting for different people.

I too am so thankful to see my son in most of these posts, but the "little adult" and "arrogant" behavior is a our biggest challenge! We have had so many neighbors and other adults say that during a conversation in which our son is a part of, they forget our son is is a child and not another adult and they have to watch what they are saying. The problem arises when these adults expect our son's emotional and social skills to be that of an adult also! He is expected to share his toys at all times without question and to understand when other children act negatively towards him. Like my husband says, "we are telling you our son is gifted; we didn't say he was perfect."

My DS8 comes off as arrogant as well. The issue with him is that he is extremely literal. When asked why he is accelerated 4-6 years, he'll answer "because i'm really smart". It's not bragging in his mind but rather just the facts. However you can imagine how it comes across to others.

We've had many conversations about situational answers but he doesn't understand why he should be forced into subterfuge (his words)when he has the facts. I'm hoping that as he gets older, he will become more willng but who knows?

Well, that's because he is. And because he is. The problem is, we have a society in which it's perfectly ok to be better at basketball, or football, or any other sport, than anybody else, and to act like it and brag about it, and everybody else makes a big deal of it. But if your brain works better, instead of your body, you're expected to hide it and not let anybody know, and god forbid that you "think" that it is, and everybody else is expected to "take you down a notch" because of it.

The solution...well, let me know if you find one!

I have always liked the bit in Robert Heinlein's Friday where she explained that in her creche (group home for super-human genetically engineered kids) the object of an IQ test was to be able to hit a particular pre-determined score, not to get the score you were capable of. We should all have such training!

So true! The long-term solution is to advocate for all gifted kids and try to change the belief that intelligence is not something to brag about. I know, easier said than done! : )

<nodding> So perfect a description. Thank you for that.