Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Homeschooling-- biggest mistake of my life

Hugs to you, bronxmom.

I too homeschool a PG8yo and there have been days when I wonder what I'm doing. I have no advice except to say that it sounds either like a 2E situation (that's what we have here ) or a power struggle situation where he wants to claim control. We've had that too. The second situation is easier - I just back off, a few weeks at a time. The 2E bit is a lifelong adjustment. With your son at 8yo, you're probably still trying to make sense of him. I draw comfort from the posts in this forum that it literally takes *years* for us to uncover our children and to find out their underlying strengths and weaknesses.

Homeschooling or public schooling, we only want the option that works best for our kids. No decision is final. If you change your mind, it's because you're introspecting to find the best fit. I hope you find helpful answers in the upcoming evaluation.

It is good you are pursuing an evaluation and I hope you get helpful answers in that process.

I agree with your general point that for kids who tend to be obsessive (and I'll to that 2e, depressive, anxious, etc.) it often doesn't work well to take away all structure. There needs to be routine and limits.

As far as not being able to afford activities, I certainly understand that. I would encourage you to try to cast a wide net in your community and look for less expensive options. As another poster mentioned many game stores have free game nights. Another thought would be to look for adults who might share an interest with him - maybe a friend has a retired dad who likes military history or something like that.

Also, if you have not already done so maybe it would be a good time to apply for financial assistance through DYS to support his education or activities.

I apologize for writing such an explosive post and then disappearing. Thank you all for your beautiful responses.

Aculady, your response in particular... (sounds like you may have spent some money at Games Workshop as well???) The amount of work you put into helping your son is breathtaking, and, honestly... I could not help feeling extremely exhausted as I read that. I have tried a similar approach with my son, for example a few days ago he wanted to talk about the Boer War and I did manage to turn that into a long conversation about the forces of history and why the Industrial Revolution happened in England. That was nice. But in general, attempting to explain the world through the lens of military history is something I can only do for short periods. It just freaks me out, and feels too much like I am feeding his obsessions.

I don't really think he is AS, in fact when he was very small I would have said he was very "un-AS"-- he seemed unusually engaged in people, both adults and his peers-- well beyond his agemates. It is only over the year or so (and it's getting worse) that he seems to be talking at people, not too them-- so maybe that's why I more worried about feeding his obsession, and less willing to adapt to them or use them as a means of teaching him.

Bronxmom, I think it probably sounds more exhausting than it was. Thankfully, my son has always been very social, too, (just not very skilled at picking up on and using non-verbal communication or social cues), so it was not as if we were dealing with a child who did not want to interact with us at all, even on his own terms, which I think would have been *far* more exhausting for me. Running him around to OT and PT and vision therapy appointments felt much more demanding than finding ways to interest him in learning what we thought he needed to know. We've had a lot of fun, and great conversations along the way, and as I look back from the perspective of the years, I am really glad that we made the choices we did.

But there were certainly times when we agonized, worried, and stressed, and were convinced that we were failures as parents. We went through times where we contemplated divorce, or residential placement for my son, or sending him to public school, and we have done our time in the trenches fighting with professionals who tried to tell us that our son was just fine and didn't need any additional supports, or, alternatively, that he was never going to be functional, people who failed to see the extreme complexity that defines him. We somehow managed to keep our eyes on the goal most of the time, and that has gotten us through.

I don't know your son or what he needs, and I don't know what you and the rest of your family need, but I know that your son has a mom who will do everything in her power to find that out, and make it happen, and so I feel very hopeful for you and your son and your family in the future. You are reaching out for help in all the right places, and I feel confident that you will find the answers and solutions that you and your son need, even if what the solutions look like changes from year to year.

I hope that you all find the help you need to be able to be happy and fulfilled and hopeful for the future.

Best of luck on your journey, and feel free to vent or query anytime!

I don't think I can add anything else to the excellent replies, just to say that DS11 is approaching high school and we are considering homeschooling. IMHO most of the stress at home stems from school - whether bullying issues, boredom, lack of recognition - and these too are hard to cope with (maybe harder as you have very little control or input when "the professionals" are involved).

As an aside we have extensivley used videos/DVDs and CDs to engender interest and for our boy they seem to work. it is amazing what he can pick up when a C is playing and he is just messing about with his plasticine or toys.

At an earlier time when they were trying to pin some disorder or other on him we tried Omega 6 and they certainly helped calm him down so he could settle on something.

Little tyke still won't pick up a (non-factual) book tho!

best of luck!

We had a lot of problems with homeschooling.

All my (then 6yo) DD would do voluntarily was READ. And read, she did-- thousands and thousands of pages a month. But still-- that hardly seemed like a good way to 'educate' a child.

Oh, and she would also be willing to do Singapore Math's "challenging word problems;" five to seven a of those a day.

She refused to do any activities that required tactile sensory input, refused to do large-motor learning activities, and kept "jumping" out of curriculum that I kept (foolishly) trying to fight her to do.

It was maddening... and quite frankly, the rate that she went through curriculum was bankrupting us, public library patronage or not. (I'd find a great deal on curriculum that looked great, she'd work with it for a week or two... or a month... and then WHAM-- she'd refuse to do anything at all.) The upshot was that she was jumping/black-boxing OUT of the material and then refusing to act like a trained poodle and demonstrate it with worksheets and activities.

She hated manipulatives. She hated drawing. She hated writing.


I was frankly at my wit's end with her.

Enter public virtual school-- external accountability and standards. It wasn't a magic bullet, but it was by far a better thing than pure homeschooling had been. A lot of it was the personality issues between her and me; it's a built-in, hard-wired power struggle with her-- but that is about EVERYTHING, not just schooling. We're both very volatile people-- so there are still just days when it feels like the end of the world.


I hope that you find some answers. {hugs} I've shed a lot of tears and pulled out a lot of my own hair over my homeschooled EG/PG kid, too. You aren't alone.

Coming into this late...

Bronx...my son just turned 11 he also tends to get fixated on "tasks" in game play. If he isn't putting Lego sets together he will get out his army men and have wars.
Scary...What I didn't realize while he was setting his stage he was also researching the different wars that occurred throughout time.
He took it a step further and dove into a historical atlas and memorized all the different nations and battles they had to become nations. This included cultures and Religions.

It might surprise you...your son may have an agenda in his play. These children think so outside the norm.
Have you asked him what he is doing ? He may have an actual strategy in his play.

I know my son will mumble and look the other way now when he knows he isn't talking or acting like a normal 11 y/o. I have to constantly tell him "son, please don't rush, talk clear and look at me...I WANT to hear what you have to say" Breaks my heart (hence my screen name).

My son started with WWII interest...It spiraled from there and it was all self taught. Maybe try getting a book on the "battles of WWII" and just give it to him. He may just want to know more
and thus school will begin.

My son taught world religions for his teacher last week. She was confusing students and DS took out a book he had and explained the differences in religions in different areas if the world. She thought I taught him...yea like I can teach him anything...LOL again this all started with little green army men on my kitchen counters.

My son will pick up on people getting frustrated with him and will instantly dummy or shut down. DS always asks me if I'm OK with what he is doing (he knows playing with little green army men is really for younger kids). I tell him carry on...
our secret <3. He is also very sensitive so I try really hard to listen which really isn't easy.

My son used to sneak his passion of the "moment" when I pay too much attention to it. Now I just breath and look the other way.

I am just starting my HS journey, I am sure I will have similar issues. Let us know how you all are doing...

wow this thread has been an eye opener. I am currently reading a few books on homeschooling etc and this has just confirmed a budding lightbulb moment for me:

regardless of homeschooling or filling in the spots at home inbetween school, we cannot push our agendas onto these kids of ours. We have to let them do their thing and just be there when they need us to answer questions / provide additional resources etc.

Flip this is hard - it's so much easier to "guide" them to what we feel they should be doing/ need. I guess for me personally I need to learn to breathe deep and trust that my kids will figure it out as they go. And that's okay too.

I guess I'd agree, except to the extent that using a curriculum is defined as pushing an agenda. Sometimes it's good for a kid to learn something that isn't his or her first choice, and it's also good to learn how to learn things that are tough, not so exciting at first glance, etc.