Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Children who 'push'

Weird that I pick this thread first today. My eyes are swollen this morning due to uncontrollable tears regrading DS7's behavior lately. The meltdowns got less and less, but in the last month or so, they are back. Last night, I asked him to pick up his shoes and get ready to head upstairs for bed. This is a normal routine. The minute I said "now, please", after him procrastinating for about a minute, he exploded into tears. Sometimes I get the "no one loves me" speech. Sometimes I can talk sense into him.

I reached out to his school counselor today, as his school offers group counseling for students on how to handle their emotions, for him, it's anger. He is my emotional one, emotional sensitivity being his "overexcitability". I suppose you can say he takes after me... me and my puffy eyes.

You are not alone. It's very draining. And for me, personally, I really hope reaching out for help at his school will help us all. What's ironic is he is the good kid in class (most of the time)...

Funny you say that JJSMom..... if I told anyone at school about how DD acts at home, they'd look at me like I had 3 heads and clearly must be referring to a different child! She is an ANGEL at school. I often ask her why she is able to control it at school but not at home. Her response was that school was important to her and she didn't want it going on her permanent record! She proceded to tell me that she really wants to go to a really good school someday because she wants to be an Dr. so she has to be good at school (she's 9 for cryin' out loud! She has a long time to worry about that!)

If it's any consolation, we tried a counselor at one point years ago and honestly, I was already doing everything they suggested and it was not a help in the least. I've come to the realization that DC is the way she is and we have to work with her!

DS7 is the same way... he's worried about all the decisions he will make in 11+ years! I'm really looking at the counselor because they have group sessions for kids to discuss ways to handle peer pressures, anger, self control, self esteem, etc... and not as what we can do better as parents. That part is a work in progress. Any time my button gets pushed, I have to remember to close my eyes and breathe first.

I know this may sound silly, but I am a Gemini, and DS7 is a Sagitarius (who naturally have issues seeing eye to eye). I swear he was born to push that button of mine.

HAHAHAHA! I hear you! I keep trying to remind myself to take deep breathes and that seems to calm her down tremendously. It's not every day, and it was really good for a while, but I wonder if DD is having some issues lately because she has very strong feeling about injustices in the world and what people do (even silly things that kids do at school) and then she thinks and thinks (that's the REAL problem.... she thinks to much and can't shut off her mind at night! That tends to be when most of our battles happen!) I agree, I am a bullheaded parent myself and it's hard for me to back down when being pressed by a newly turned 9 year old!` LOL! She pushes my buttons like you wouldn't believe. On a lighter note, did you see the claim about the new zodiac signs? I wasn't happy . Then they came out in a separate article (on the news, mind you... as if there is nothing better going on in the world) and said don't panic, that was for if you don't follow the tropical zodiac, which most people do!` Not that I read my horoscopes, but I do think I fit the profile for a Cap!

I'm so glad you're bringing up these issues because we're facing very similar ones with DS6. My husband and I are seriously looking into the idea of counseling for him just so he can have someone to talk to about his sensitivities. We're starting to get very worried, esp. about his self-loathing when he gets in minor trouble.

Last week, he got in trouble for a minor issue. It was in one of his workshops, and he was trying to go hang out w/ an older friend instead of sitting down to get some work done between class. When I wouldn't let him leave, he threw a typical 6 year old fit (crabby face, a little slamming of things, arms defiantly crossed, etc.) I made him take a brief time out around a hidden corner of the room until he calmed down (parents and teachers there, but no peers), and he lost electronics privileges (first for the day, then for the next day too.) I thought that was it, but he talked in the car about being so mad that he wanted to hurt himself. He kept talking that way at home, and later I found a journal entry asking God to please kill him now because he's such a bad kid. (He's actually VERY sweet and much better behaved than most his age.)

After we talked, he bounced back to his normal happy self, but he did say he feels this way a lot when he gets in trouble. I don't think we're overly strict parents (we usually just use timeouts, don't hit or berate), and now I'm very worried.

I read that this type of behavior is not uncommon for a PG child (and yes, he's a perfectionist), but 6 seems so young to be thinking about counseling. I just want to find him coping skills that work before he gets older.

Gosh, I didn't log in meaning to start rambling about our issue, but since I've already started typing, if anyone has any words of advice, please feel free to share with me.

I'm making a rambling vent type post again on my note app. I still have to read it later to decide if it's relevant enough to the topic to post. The vent is about ND three year old with a new sister problems. I think we get the best of both worlds thanks to asynchronousity, gt behavior problems and a little ND issues too, ain't it beautiful.
Gratefulmom, that reminds me. You know how little kid's just say what they're thinking out loud sometimes? He's 3. The other day he was sitting on the beach chair and made the sentence, "why do I keep doing bad things?". It was like he made a thought outloud. The tone was very much like a question looking for an answer. He wasn't asking me and he didnt just get in trouble. It was just a random out loud thought. I don't even call him bad. We're always more specific than "bad". I'm sure he knows the word, he watches tv.
I told a friend and she laughed at him saying, it because he was such a good 2 year old he thought he had escaped being bad. But, nope. Every kid has to do it.

Gm, I'm hoping to combine CBT and the nurtured heart approach. Specifically what I like about them the nurtured heart teaches the parent how to show the child "it's ok to misbehave. At the same time, I don't condone it. It's normal, and it's natural, and it's ok. Let me be clear. I don't condone it."
I think that's a powerful message to address this situation. I'm glad and relieved to read here that it really is a real problem and I'm not making it up out of thin air.
From what I've read about the CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) it's mostly a remedy for adults but I've seen online where it's used to create the structural framework for disciplined children in a logical family. Somehow it teaches the students (family members) how to Self Evaluate their own choices, actions, and reactions everytime to get the results they chose. Not that you won't have problems but with self control you can control what you can control. KWIM? I think there is an issue of trust and control wether it's giftedness or perfectionism the biggest problem comes when the rest of the world doesn't follow the rules, right? I'm going to try the home-based version from a self-help book.

Gratefulmom...DD says the same things to God. She thinks she's such a "horrible child" and that what she did was so bad she just gets beside herself and doesn't know what else to say that would be drastic enough that she often says something to that effect as well. I know she hears things on TV in a "comical way" but she has said it. The worst part is, she said it the first time and it got such a reaction from DH and I that she now has said it 3 times recently (partly I think to get a rise out of us, but partly because she feels so terrible and guilty after her meltdowns.) You are not alone!

Oh, and perfectionism here is ENORMOUS for her so that doesn't help her feeling of self-worth after an angry outburst.

I don't have any answers, but DS7 also has this phenomenon of getting very, very upset about something that really isn't worth it. These days he doesn't usually show it in bad behaviour but I think in a way that makes it worse! He says, "I don't want to exist any more". I remember only too well what it's like to be a child and in this state; these words are not exaggeration, they are really how he feels at the time. (Sometimes! He *also* uses the same words for effect sometimes, although the difference was pretty obvious and I hope I've succeeded in letting him understand why that's a really bad idea.)

All I've found so far that seems not obviously wrong is:

- acknowledge the feeling, but reword to something a bit more directly descriptive, getting rid of the proposed solution (not existing), e.g. "You're really really really upset about that, aren't you?"

- but at the same time be calm and practical about whatever the actual problem is

- later, talk about how these really deep feelings are real, but temporary. I pointed out explicitly that most other people don't get these really strong feelings about small things, and that that can make it hard for adults to react to; and I talked about how people were always telling me not to overreact when I was a child. This did seem to help (especially since I'd just made the mistake of doing a bit of that, so it made sense of it to talk about how helpless you can feel when someone else is so upset and you don't understand why or what you can do about it).

TBH I still have this tendency as an adult; the things that help me are knowing that it passes, knowing that when calm I'm good at problem solving, and having people around who love me unconditionally.