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Since Grinity Asked�.

Executive Function and Middle School:

Let me start by saying that I fully understand and support the need for people with great executive function skills. In my daily job, I am the back office support for 5 sales people. My job is to make sure all the t�s get crossed and all the i�s dotted and everything works out nicely in our little world. I am not naturally organized or a detail oriented person. My teachers would scratch their heads to see me in this job. So from personal experience, I know it is possible to train myself to manage executive function skills.

However, I am not convinced at this time that my son will be able to master these skills before he gives up on himself. Middle School is a tumultuous time. Lockers, hormones, voice changes, multiple teachers not to mention the changes in social interactions are enough to make my mind spin. I do not know how the teachers and students survive. My son could probably be nicknamed the Pigpen of Paper trailing a field of paper debris from class to class. His once neatly organized class binders not are broken (and replaced, and broken, and replaced�) The papers are crumpled, jumbled and torn if not lost in the ether of the Middle School. Homework assignments that his father and I know were in the correct binder and in his backpack before he left for school never reach the teachers. He has detention for missing homework and A�s for tests and quizzes.

This child of ours has an IEP that says he needs help with organization and that he cannot at this time demonstrate the same level of executive function as is expected for his age. We asked that he be allowed to carry 1 binder instead of 6 to class each day. The core teacher team felt this was enabling his problems and that they hoped he would want to be like the rest of the students. DS is articulate and charming. He is socially pretty darn well adjusted for what he has been through in his life. DS has no time sense, cannot recall where his shoes (substitute anything mundane item) are. Remember to brush his teeth, wash his face or comb his hair. He really can�t remember where he put his homework even when it is in the same spot in his folder everyday.

His father and I try to make him understand that doing his homework is not enough. Turning it in is required to follow the rules and earn the credit. We all know that for the most part the homework is not required for learning the material. BUT, it is required as part of his job at school. He tries. He tries really hard! But, the Social Studies binder explodes on the way to class. He grabs the papers in a rush not to get in trouble for being late to class again. By the time he gets to class, the papers that aren�t missing, are jumbled, crumpled and in a mess. DS frantically goes through them hoping that this time he can find the homework assignment before the bell rings so he doesn�t get detention for missing another homework deadline.

This child of ours learns things almost before the teacher starts talking. He adds in great discussion dialog and his eyes gleam as his mind races to make connections between ideas and concepts. The challenge of gathering, processing and connecting information makes him come alive. He remembers everything except the mundane day to day requirements.

The school is trying to teach him organization and accountability through keeping each class binder in a different format and with a homework policy that punishes the child both with a negative grade and detention (6 missed assignments across all core subjects) and removal from extracurricular activities and school assemblies (9 missed assignments across all core subjects.) In theory, it is a good policy. The negative consequences should be severe enough to get the students to turn in the homework.

In reality, my son is exhibiting many signs of stress from headaches and stomach aches every morning, to uncontrolled shaking when it is time to get on the bus. After school, he is moody, angry withdrawn and tired. Any mention of school sparks an emotional outburst. However, he does his homework without argument, puts it in the binders and into his backpack. So far this quarter he has missed 4 homework assignments. The marking period ends the end of January.

Last Spring, my husband and I went to a Diamonds in the Rough conference about gifted but executive function challenged in Washington, DC. Sitting there, we both started to really understand our child better. He is not lazy, unmotivated, challenging authority or uninterested. He is doing his best, trying hard and failing at the executive function tasks assigned by the school. I am not going to fight with DS about the missing homework. He is stressed enough, he does not need his father and I adding to it. We do have calm discussions about how he feels and what he thinks will help. We recently bought different binders that he thinks will make a difference. I don�t think they�ll help, but maybe the confidence he has that they will work will make a difference.

After several years of discussions at the school, I am tired of hearing the following:
Your son isn�t the worst we�ve ever seen, all he needs is some help (defined by setting punishments rather than support) and he�ll get his act together.
Your son is still an A student so why are you bothering us? He just needs to get organized and we�ll teach him that with our programs.
How can such a bright child not understand the classroom rules on a neat desk and turning in homework that isn�t torn and crumbled if it is turned in at all? He needs to learn to conform.
Your son is a delight to have in class if he just could keep all of his items within his personal space.
You are the problem with your son. If you would spend as much time working on getting him to follow our rules and procedures as you do on telling us he needs special treatment, he would have no problems in school.

There are 2 wishes his father and I have for our son. First that he live a long and healthy life. Second that he is content with his life and able to be a self sufficient, productive member of our society. Our challenge is how to help him get there.

If my D15 were a few years younger, I would say that she and your S were separated at birth. Lol, the "Pigpen of Paper" is a perfect description!

In our case, D was diagnosed with a non-verbal learning disability last year (9th grade). Because what was just exasperating in middle school becamse a crisis in high school, so we really dug into it from a testing perspective. There were some hints at it in earlier test results, too. Having that formal diagnosis got us a long way with teachers, and we engaged the learning specialist at our school to help as well. Admittedly, D goes to a private school that is quite responsive to these types of things.

Just this week I am weighing how involved to get in her issues with getting biology labs turned in on time... the teacher insists that they be on his desk by the start of class on the day they are due, and if a student comes in 30 seconds after the hour he doesn't give them a tardy, but he DOES mark down their assignment as late. This week I have settled for making sure when she gets out of the car in the morning that the assignment is in the correct location, and reminding her to be ON TIME to Biology, or get a pass from the choir director (who keeps them over a few minutes sometimes in the previous class). I am reluctant to do much more right now, as this teacher will be an important reference for my bio-loving kid for summer and college applications. Don't want to rock the boat if I don't have to...

I can also confirm that I was very similar, with MAJOR disorganization skills into my 20s. A boss once said to me when I was in my late 20s, "Your are really much more oganized than you appear to be from the state of your desk.". I think that portion of my brain grew in my 20s, and I am now very organized. So I am hoping that D will grow into more organization as she gets older. But realistically, I think she will probably be the classic 'absentminded professor'.

elh,

I was your son and I have your son. And you mentioned as well that your teachers would be surprised to find you in such a detail oriented/organizing type of position.
I have had many jobs requiring organization and attention to detail (think bookkeeper) while at the same time I NEVER remember to pick up milk on the way home and had to get checkbooks with duplicates since I often forgot to enter checks written.
I think you are right to back off on him. I know my son (5th grade) began to get more on top of making sure homework assignments came home and went back on time when they were told that a missed assignment was 50% one day late and no credit for day two. He understood that it would impact his grades and that mattered to him. I also set a restriction that all chores/homework had to be completed before anything electronic was turned on. Just these two very basic things have helped immensely and the best part is that he is self-motivated now.
Of course we still have the homework folder with papers spilling out and the organizational binder with the springing part halfway pulled out, cover ripped off and pages stepped on and missing but apparently nobody is grading on that! :-)

My son has ADHD and I felt how you felt when hearing about your son's disorganization. I had to hear about how he taps his pencil and sings and blurts out answers. During his parent teacher conference this year however one teacher told me that they were not terribly concerned or upset about this behavior. His science teacher said that DS replied "I am just being me." and that is how they see him and I have decided that from now on that is how I see it also.

We each have wonderful sons who are who they are and we love them. That is better than good enough. :-) When they find the thing that they really want to do in life they will make sure they have the skills to do it.

On the totally practical level - have you tried reading "the organized Student?
She describes an accordian-file alternative to binders, on page 90, that worked really well for my son in 7th and 8th grade. He did transition into regualar Binders.

http://books.google.com/books?id=Ka...v=onepage&q=accordion%20&f=false

In a nutshell,when he transitioned into binders, there was this teriffic binder with a front section that had 2 accordian files in the front. He could keep "Homework to hand in" and "homework to do" from all the classes right up together in the front.

One some level I don't think he had the hand strength to deal with opening and closing the binder rings without creating a mess.

Does the school know about the belly aches and headaches? What I found was that a single diagnosis wasn't enough to get an IEP from our local public school while the grades were high, but when the 2nd diagnosis of anxiety was added, we got more sympathy and more accomidation. This isn't the time to have a stiff upper lip.

I love your idea to not 'get one your kid' about his homework. I would praise any hint of keeping track of anything or being aware of time in any way, or turning in even a single homework. I would consider homeschool or a alternative school that cares as much about learning concepts as they do about lockstep organization. I really don't mind a school asking my kid to be organized, but I think they have an obligation to privide some 'edutainment' at the same time, if not an actual intellectual challenge.

As far as keeping DS emotionally healthy, I think one-to-one time with you and anyother adults you can round up where it's 'special time' and he can take the lead and set the pace and agenda while the adult follows along can go a long way.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Breakaway4,
Our school has a similar policy on late homework. DS does really care, but still can't manage to get the assignments turned in. This is one of the primary causes of his stress. He is making every effort he knows to accomplish the task and still failing. I think it must be similar to the student who is studying his math facts every night but still can't pass the test.

We Study turning in your homework. For example. Dh to DS at home in the evening. OK, where is you science homework? DS checks his notebook. Right here in the homework section, Dad. OK, tomorrow morning at your locker what are you going to do? Take my Science binder to class. DH remember to make sure the homework is in it before you leave your locker. DS: OK, Dad.

Me to DS in the morning. Are all your binders in you backpack? DS: Checks and says Yes. OK, what are you going to do when you get to your locker? DS: I'll make sure I put them in order of my classes so I have them at the right times. Me: OK, have a Good Day!

My DS7 struggles with his binders as well. He lacks the hand strength to get the rings open. All of his work in all classes is supposed to be kept in his binders. We've agreed that he can bring home everything loose and as part of his homework everynight, we punch the holes and I help him put the stuff in his binders.

I would love to find binders with an accordian in front! Any idea where you got them Grins?

Grinity,
Thanks for the comments. Yes I have read "The Organized Student" We use many of the suggestions at home including the accordion style folders for a variety of needs. However, so far his school will not let him use any of the helpful suggestions because it isn't the way they do things and he needs to WANT to be organized and then it will happen. Like magic I suppose...

Yes, the school is aware that he is emotionally upset about his problems. Since he does not show the behaviors in school, the implication I have received is that he is playing on our sympathy and we are enabling him. Hence the comment that we are our child's problem.

Any chance of a change in schools?

Gurrrr. Bad School! Is there a sympathetic doctor-type you can get a note from explaining that your parenting is good but the school's system is bad?

Sometimes (but not reliably) I have been able to make headway with the schools understanding that it isn't a motivation problem this way.
Me: 'By watching my son's behavior, it looks to you like he isn't motivated, right?'
Them: 'Yes, exactly!'
Me: 'And you'd say that cash was a pretty strong incentive?'
Them: 'oh yes!'
Me: 'Well last week I offered him 20 dollars a day for each day of perfect behavior over the week. Do you want to guess how many days he earned his reward?'
Them: 'We are well aware that he forgot his homework 3 days last week.'
Me: 'Do you still think that a lack of motivation is his main problem?'
Them: ((squirm)) 'Well he has an IEP that says ....... so of course motivation isn't his main problem. Haven't we been trying to tell you that?'
Me: ((poker face)) 'Yes,of course ((smile)) tell me more.'

It sounds like the school is being pretty nasty to you, and I would love to see you have some alternatives or some other athority figure on your side, even just a friend who owns a suit. Humans are human, and if blaming something appears easier than doing something, we will often take the course of least resistience. Just don't be suprised by any sudden favorable changes and be ready to move positively when the time is right.

Love and More Love,
Grintiy

I had a conversation about executive function issues yesterday with my cousin, whose child was in G&T in elementary, but started failing classes in middle school because he forgot to turn in work. Our public school requires that all middle school kids have good executive function skills and if they don't they believe they should be held back or allowed to fail instead of being given any help. If work is not turned in, the parents are not informed until it is too late for the parent to do anything about it, unless of the course, the child is the star high school football player--different set of rules there.

I am homeschooling my 12-year-old son who has some executive function issues. He rarely remembers where he put his shoes. He kicks them off as soon as he gets the opportunity because they are so uncomfortable. He does it without thinking or maybe because he is thinking about something else when he does it. Sometimes I find his shoes in the car. It is one of the reasons we are often late. He tries to make jokes about it when he sees that I am stressed about being late, for example yesterday when we were going to be late for a 30 minute piano lesson, he said "Mom, you know that time machine I have been working on? Well, I'm sorry to tell you it doesn't work, so we will just have to deal with being late, but it will be okay. The world will not end because we are a few minutes late." Obviously, this is another issue we need to work on, but we have more important things to deal with.

At co-op classes his teachers make comments about how well behaved my son is. He wants to do well, and he wants to make the highest possible score in class. He was diagnosed with dysgraphia last year but he is making almost all A pluses on everything he writes and his composition teacher assigns a lot of writing. Some of it has to be finished in the first six minutes of class. He learned that he can write well under pressure, he can write legibly enough that the teacher can read it, and he is able to focus enough that he can finish on time---but I am a volunteer in the class and I sometimes help him organize his notebook. I have to make sure he finishes his homework. I want him to focus on learning how to write well. That is the important thing for now, that is our priority for this year. From my seat in the back of his composition class I often see him tapping his foot on the floor, while all the other 7th through 9th graders' bodies are calm. The tapping gets faster as the time starts to run out. It is like he is in a race that he is determined to win. He is winning. With his sensory processing issues, migraines, and a painful scoliosis brace to deal with, I think my son can use a little extra help with the executive function issues. I think it is wrong to not provide kids with the help they need to do well. What about the asynchronous development that we learned about when they were in elementary or even younger? Do they magically become synchronous at middle school age?

There is no help for kids like mine at our school which is why I must continue to homeschool. I have heard from people who used to work at the school that they often ignore IEP's.

Middle school age students still have time to develop good executive function skills. I don't think there is anything wrong with helping middle school students with this kind of thing if they need help.

I was a sensitive kid, especially in middle school when I was learning to deal with migraine headaches and stomach aches. I used to throw up almost every day before class when I was in grade school, yet I managed to develop executive function skills that were good enough for me to do well in jobs like a payroll clerk, executive assistant, and accountant. I had to have extremely good executive function skills or I would have lost my job. My mother, who was also smart and sensitive, was very understanding and helped me when I needed help. I think her help and understanding enabled me to develop executive function skills, so I hope I am enabling my son in the same way.

It used to really bother me when people told me things like "he is playing on your sympathy and you are enabling him." I had to get to a point where I didn't care what other people thought.