Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DS7 says he hates me???

Most of you have probably heard my complaints about the local schools, and how they are not challenging my son at all. We've made some minor adjustments that have helped a lot, but DS still says he's bored at school. I wonder if that is related to the fact that he's acting like a brat at home? His teacher says he's very well behaved, but the minute he gets off the bus in the afternoons he turns into a totally different kid. I have raised him to respect people in general (not just adults) but it seems he respects everyone except me! He tells me he hates me constantly, but still wants me to do "window math" with him (we do math problems on the back door in dry erase marker). He throws gigantic temper tantrums over tiny things (last night we got home later than expected and he threw a fit because he didn't get the chance to play with his transformers - even though he played with them for a good hour earlier in the day). He sulks and pouts every time I ask him to do something, but five minutes later he'll show up with his chess set asking if I can play with him. After his massive tantrum this morning (over brushing his teeth, of all things) he started crying and saying that he was afraid no one in the family would like him anymore because he is so mean. But he offered no apology or anything. Now that I'm writing all of this down, he almost seems like he's lonely. But his teacher says he has plenty of friends and seems happy at school. I know that extreme emotions are not all that unusual for gifted children, but this seems a bit beyond normal to me. I'm at a total loss for how to deal with this. I'm tired of crying every day after he gets on the bus, and most importantly I'm tired of seeing my little boy so unhappy. Any idea what the problem may be, or what I may be able to do to fix it? I would really like to work on solving this problem before this summer, when his daddy goes to Afghanistan and we have all NEW emotional issues to deal with!

My inclination would be both to get him evaluated for depression/anxiety, but also to start a conversation with the school. Often kids who are stressed at school are actually too stressed to act out at school, but then explode at home.

DeeDee

I don't let the "I hate you"s slide. I tell DD6 that they hurt my feelings and she apologizes and I notice that she makes more effort not to say it when she gets toward tantrum stage.

I also don't let other bad behaviors slide. I know she does behave much better in the class but she learns her social behaviors first within the family. I know a child that kicked and hit her mother when she didn't like something and she was BFF with DD when in preschool. As they got to be good friends, this child would then kick or hit DD when DD said she wanted to play with someone else. And then Dd tried to kick me at home. Luckily we just ended the relationship and reinforced that she cannot kick without severe consequences.

I just wrote a letter to the teachers, cc principal. A boy in DD's class is bullying her. First incident she told me about and I just said to ignore (though my mother bear instincts actually wrote a letter to the teachers -- but stopped myself from sending as premature). On a field trip two weeks ago, I saw the boy deliberately push himself through where DD was standing, getting ready to hear the farm lady. DD reacted verbally and I hushed her. Later I told her to ignore the boy because her yelling at him was what he wanted. This boy is more than a head taller than DD, so pushing is a force for her. I saw in the school yard, before school, Dd was talking to a friend, who was about 6 inches away. This boy walked between them, pushing his way through. DD ignored. It seems the more she ignores, the more he does this. She told me that yesterday he swung his lunch bag and hit her 3 times, without saying sorry. She told the assistant teacher but it crossed the line for me and I wrote the teachers and principal. I let her know that no one can hit her like this or push her. She has to know what is acceptable at school, at home. It is the same.

I think they have to learn very early good behavior starts at home.

Ren

That was DS8 back in K. He kept it together at school and fell into pieces at home. It was school related, but it took me a while to figure out. As a matter of fact I didn't realize it was the case till we started homeschooling the following year.

Hi Treecritter.

First of all ((hugs)) to you.

I have a few questions. How long has your DS7's behavior been this extreme? Is it something new? Or has it been this way for a while? Can you think back to approximately when it started to get out of control to try to see if there is anything that may be coincidental?

Also, are you sure that he's not ill? When my DS8 (since he was 4) has Strep, for example, his ONLY symptoms are 1) a headache for about 20 minutes one day, 2) a stomach ache for about 20 minutes one day, 3) somewhat swollen neck glands, and 4) completely over-the-top behavior until he gets antibiotics. That's all -- no sore throat or complaints about anything. I used to battle with the pediatrician's office to get them to check him for Strep with only these symptoms, until they saw consistently that I was right. DS is already an anxious, emotional kid, but when he has Strep, things are very exaggerated. The pediatrician told me it's not completely unheard of in other kids, too.

Also, you mention that his Dad is going to Afghanistan this summer. Is that a frequent topic of conversation in the house? I wonder if it's causing your DS anxiety. My DH is frequently away for a week to a month. We've found that we really can't prepare our DC for it, because the preparation just leads to longer anxiety about it. So, when possible, we try not to discuss it until a day or two before.

Another thing is whether anything "exciting" is going on. When DS was in K, we had him evaluated by a psychologist because of his apparent anxiety and tantrums, and the psychologist explained that excitement and anxiety are really two sides to the same coin. It's the same emotions going on. We were trying to figure out why DS's behavior became insane every time his grandparents would visit (literally, they told us they thought he was abnormal and needed to be seen by a psychiatrist). But then we thought about it.... The grandparents were usually coming for a big exciting occassion. For example, they'd come in December, when we have both DC's b'days plus Christmas, plus the preparation for having out of town guests plus having the excitement of out of town guests all wrapped into one month -- poor DS just couldn't handle it.

Anyway, I agree with MoN and Wren that the "I hate you!" talk ought not be ignored. I think that a calm, clear discussion about your feelings is in order. I find it doubtful that your DS is even angry with you. You may just be his safe harbor, where he can vent without worrying. No matter how hurtful, THAT is a good thing. But I think it is important to help him find a way to communicate his feelings in a way that is acceptable to you both.

((Hugs)) again, and good luck!

I've considered having him evaluated by a psychologist - anxiety issues run in my family, and I've wondered for a while if stress was a contributing factor.
I've tried starting a conversation with him and asking if he can tell me what is bothering him so that I can help. He says he doesn't know, and I think he's telling the truth about that.
He started getting a bit of an attitude when he was about 5 1/2 - but it's gotten much worse over the past couple of months. His dad's upcoming deployment may contribute, but we rarely talk about it in front of him so I doubt that is all of it. He's leaving during the summer, so I figured we would wait until school was out to address that issue.
I don't think he's sick. This has been going on for WAY too long for that. And he has never complained of headaches or any other symptoms - even small ones. However, he does seem sleepy a lot lately, and I wonder if he's having trouble sleeping at night.
The theory of it being "excitement" instead of "anger" is intriguing. Since we moved here we've had to deal with a new house and school, a trip to Disney World, two birthdays, Halloween, his first time living in a neighborhood with kids he can play with.....the list goes on and on. He has spent a lot of time with the boys across the street, who tend to be rambunctious and often border on disrespectful. But he rarely sees how they interact with their mother, since she is rarely outside with them. Could he be picking up bad habits from them?
It seems there are a million things that COULD be causing this, and it seems logical that it is a combination of several different things. Problem is, I don't know how to deal with any of them, or make him feel better.

It's probably not too surprising that your DS doesn't know what the problem is at this young age. My DS is VERY verbal, and even now at almost 9, he has trouble identifying what is bothering him. When DS gets an attitude, he and I have conversations to discuss that we are both obviously aware that there is a problem, and we talk about what are appropriate and inappropriate ways to vent. Sometimes, the best vent seems to be laps around the "circuit" in our house until he is just tuckered out.

If I were in your situation now, I would try to take things down a notch. You can't change the new school/house/neighborhood, but you might be able to try to make things calm. In the really stressful times, I severely limit the number of activities we commit to and do my best to have things orderly and calm in the house. The boys may miss a birthday party or an event, but I believe that's an acceptable price to pay for the family's mental health. During these times, I also make sure that the DC are getting plenty of good cardiovascular exercise and lots of sleep. I try to ensure that there is "downtime" for them to do what they want and dedicated family or DC/parent time, at least a couple days a week.

During the stressful times, especially when DS was younger, I also found that DS had a hard time getting to sleep. Not sure whether or not that's true with yours. DH or I would sit alone with him, in the dark on a couch in our bedroom and play calming games with him. For us, it was our versions of 20 questions -- with an effort on never making it too exciting, nor too difficult. Sometimes, we would do random math problems with him. We were just looking for things that would distract him from whatever was bothering him without getting him ramped up, long enough so that he could relax his mind and go to sleep.

Those are some of the things we've tried that have worked. YMMV. I hope you're able to find something that helps. Know that you're not alone and chances are good that this WILL resolve, especially since you're obviously so aware that he needs some help and are dilligently looking for answers. Your DS is lucky to have such a caring Mom.

We were worried about anxiety in our son and a psychologist helped immensely. I've recommended this before on these boards, and maybe it is a bit extreme, but DS talked to her two separate times, and he was back to his normal happy self. The psychologist has a way of asking questions and getting DS to talk that I cannot seem to copy (I've tried). We are more than willing to get outside help, though, since DS is 2e and we have been seeing different types of therapists and experts since he was 2 years old! I know a lot of people attach a stigma to going to a psychologist, but I was so happy with the results that I would not hesitate to return if (when?) he ever needs a tune up!! Nan

You need to also remember that this a common behavor in kids this age. The are choosing to say something that they know will get a reaction. This is the age when boundries are tested, just how far can I go. I have friends who have cried when a child says this and then gives the child something. It can be a manipuating tactic. When my son tried this I would say "well I love you and always will" that was it, issue dropped. After a while he stopped. There was no reward to it. If he then tried to "make-up" I would say no and explain why, cause- effect.
It may be mistaken but I feel as if you feel guilty about all the changes that have happened. Don't! You and the family are doing what is necessary, including the deployment. Your son may need outside help in dealing with this.
Just remember raising children can be like AA, one day at a time or even one hour at a time.

Only you can tell if this is really out of the norm or not. I find this sort of behavior very common in K and 1st grade. In part, my kids are pushing boundaries and in part they are very tired from school and figuring out the social pieces of school and they decompensate when they get home to a safe location.

Cat