Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Another friendship gone wrong story :(

Because we can't have enough of them.

Vent warning!!

I'm getting harassed in some community type work I do, and at first I thought it was me, you know the intensity and things. But when I was talking to my mum about it and now I see that yes, I think a lot of it is nastiness because she has a child around the same age who isn't doing the things that mine is. I have never bragged or anything. She doesn't even know half the stuff he does (I haven't told them he reads, for example), but he is very verbal while her child is not very verbal yet and things like that.

There is a lot of passive aggressive nastiness in things like emails, and evidence of gossiping and nasty comments behind my back, but nothing I can say much about without looking like I'm overreacting. I'm trying to 'screen it out' and walk away with dignity - plus not give her the satisfaction of knowing she got to me - but to do that I also have to give up my role. Which I am willing to do, but I still am annoyed about it.

There isn't anything I expect anyone can do, I just wanted to vent. Why do people have to be so nasty? Why do they have to turn it into a competition?

I hear ya! I remember purposely trying NOT to show my DC's abilities because of this very reason. It's a shame you often feel you need to hide their true colors for fear of being accused of showing off or whatever. Don't let it get to you

(((HUGS))) Just going through something similar with my neighbor (again!) today. I just do my best to stay away from her as much as possible so I don't have to let her negativeness replay over and over in my mind like I do every time I have to be around her. I don't need that kind of negativity in my life, and neither do you!

It really is a sad story that most of us have experienced. The best thing to do is walk away and not waste energy. I tried to change my approach to my 'friend' to take the competition aspect out of it ... but she was soooo competitive and passive aggressive. Better off not having her in my life and probably better for her as well.

But please feel free to vent away on here ... I completely understand your frustration.

I hear ya! This year I made a conscious decision not to "hide it" anymore. However, it has taken 8 years to get to that point and I have learned not to let "those people" get to me. I also got fed up with others bragging about their children's athletic abilities or other talents that I made a decision not to hide my own child's talents. While I don't brag about it, it's not a secret. Also, as I navigate the special issues of having a GT child, I have learned who my true friends are as they are the ones who take the time to listen and offer support. Because of that I have been able to meet and get to know other kids & parents in a similar situation as my own.

that is awful GeoMamma. What is with the obsession with comparing children and deciding that the order/speed at which a child develops determines their value? And the defensiveness and nastiness! I just don't understand. Is there anyone connected to the work you do who may be sympathetic to your what is going on? Harassment is just not on.

Thanks everyone, it is good to know I'm not alone.

GreenGully, unfortunately, I am the one 'in charge' and she hasn't been obvious enough that I can point to it and say "That isn't on". Just lots of little niggly things, but just about constant. Every few days I get an email, asking to change something, or to do something, and as I said, lots of evidence that there are remarks behind my back, but nothing again I can point to without looking like I'm just being silly.

TBH, I could fight it, but I don't see the point. To continue in my role, I would need to continue to deal with these people all the time and have them in my home, and it isn't worth it. I don't need it and my children don't need it. So moving away from it all is a much better idea. Plus, as I said before, I don't want to give them the satisfaction that they got to me.

Green eyed monsters are everywhere, but it hurts most when it affects our little ones!

Oh GeoMamma -
This is so disappointing. Of course at some point your are going to need to walk away - but - since you love your position, I would suggest a few wild ideas to try first, so that you can get what you need to get out of the situation first.
The first thing I would try is to start bragging about your child. Let the other mom know every little thing - not in a mean way, aim for genuine, but err on the side of 'blowing her out of the water.' That will shift things and doesn't cost you anything.

Second thing is to try to strengthen your inner self. You can use prayer, journaling, venting, meditation. I'm reading/listening to this book now

http://www.energizeyourheart.com/Buy.html

Their approach for us sensitive-hearted people is to protect ourselves by learning how to super-nurture ourselves - welcoming this sort of stress so we can use it as inspiration to grow our 'self-nurturing' ability stronger and stronger.

I think it would look like this: You get an email asking to change something. You skim it, just to check, meanwhile self-talking and deep breathing that you affirm your own ability to lead well. Then you ask yourself for any intuition about how to respond. You may find that you can learn to see beyond the surface of the email.

Or you can just respond: Thanks for the email. Things are very good the way they are and we aren't making that change. Thanks for all the work you do on this project.

Short and sweet. You can end with - Please excuse me, but my child wants to read 'Horton hears a Who' to me now.

At some point we can always walk away, but our children will be in school situations where they may not be able to walk away so easily. So it's a useful sensitizing experience. Dealing with a certain level of low level nastiness is a good life skill. ((Humor Alert))How else would we stay married?

I hope this helps,
Grinity

I'm so sorry about what has happened. DH is a genius himself (a humble one), and while proud of the kids, he doesn't usually brag too much about them to the friends. I'd say I'm about average, so I guess I'm a bit more "impressed" with the kids, but I've learned also to keep my mouth shut. Our best friends from church have a daughter who is my daughter's best friend (to a certain extent) who is in special education math, and all regulars other than that, so DD and her on are much different levels. Since they are older than your child (DD is 14, friend is 15), it is very obvious. I guess that has made me more careful of what I say. I mean, it would be severely bragging to tell that my daughter scored a 1920 on the SAT in the 7th grade, when her daughter getting a 920 on the SAT in 11th grade might be a miracle. Yet her daughter knows almost everyone at our church, while DD only has a few close friends who are very intelligent (one was the *winner* of the national geographic bee a few years ago!), and she's afraid to get to know anyone else, because they might think she is nerdy because of her intelligence. Sure, she's smart, but am I really bragging a bunch when a lot of other emotional strain gets added on with her extreme intelligence? I will say that her the family knows DD is very bright, and not very social, and they are *very* kind about the situation. I do know that her mom encourages the daughter to help "include" DD, which, though it might not be exactly what DD wants, I think it is extremely kind that they are trying. I guess this wasn't really much of a reply, but rather a further vent/note.