Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional no diagnosis, yet dealing with obsessive interests

Hi Twinkle Toes

My DS 4 has simlar obsessions around characters to your DD. His favourites at the moment are the Land Before Time dinosaurs. We draw them, take them outside to play, I've had to prepare extra toast at breakfast for them and he's made a bed for them to sleep in. We discussed this with the pyschologist when he did his WPPSI and she said it was fine because it wasn't narrow rather very creative and expansive.

I do empathise with how mind numbing it can get for you though - the temptation to yell enough is very strong sometimes.

Hi Katelyn's Mom,

First off, I apologize if this got long. I think I just need a place to vent.

Touche: telling me not to obsess in my post about my DD's obsessions. I do tend to lock down on things and micro analyze them, and I often post questions on here related to my "dissections" because this is such a diverse group of people who often have interesting, and more important, similar, experiences and suggestions. Also, when I begin something, I can hyper focus on it until it is completed so maybe that is what this will turn into for her. I don't have ADHD or Asbergers or any LD, but was gifted and artistic and good old fashioned weird to some, but popular when younger, but more isolated as I have gotten older.

My gut tells me something is throwing my DD4 "off" but I can't put my finger on it. I have always been considered perceptive and aware, but sometimes we have a strange blindness with our own children so I have tried to pull in other perspectives. I guess I am less interested in labels than in ways to make our lives more enjoyable.

She is a bubbly, apparently happy,loving child at least on the surface, but my husband just does not get along with her and they have conflict daily and he tends to see her as having some major "problem." Of the two of us, I tend to see her issues as related to giftedness, isolation, conflict with her father, etc, but some small part of me does feel something is a little off but that makes me very sad since I don't know quite what to do to make things easier for all of us. Maybe she will come together as she gets older.

I think I may just be burnt out on two of them so close in age who are so intense and who want so much interaction from me: yesterday I was with them every minute for 13 hours straight. I am working on getting my DD4 to not speak to me for short periods: yesterday I praised her for not talking to me for 30 seconds at a time while in the car. Talk about baby steps.

To answer your question, DD will take characters along and adapt her play to the activity and will focus on new things when we are out and about.

Hmmm... I wonder if most of your concern stems from your husband's reaction to DD? It isn't the first time you have mentioned him and his attitude about her. And please don't take this the wrong way or negatively, but perhaps your husband needs to seek some help. Help from whom? I'm not sure. Psychologist? One who works with families? Someone who could couch him on how to respond and help? Is your husband gifted?

I suspect that for you; you are stuck in the middle with the pressure of being the main care giver for both your DDs. And you aren't getting personal time. Does your husband take the reigns and give you any time away from it all? If not, you need to insist on it.

And to be honest ... IF your DD does have Asbergers or something on the spectrum it is most likely a mild case and from what I've read of your posts you are doing everything right now to work on social cues and interaction.

Also, what about your family? Is your mom able to give you some comparison between you and your DD from when you were her age? I suspect your DD is not that different from you.

Twinkle Toes

Your DD sounds a lot like my DD7 except my DD does not test gifted. She is a very talented artist however and all the things you mentioned and then some

- outgoing, talkative
- likes to be helpful, is compassionate and funny
- bossy, likes to teach or in less nice terms be dominant
- very adept at reading social cues but can often use this to manipulate (more obvious to me)
- Kids like her but I think she wears them out if they are not also high energy intense kids
- Often fails to respect what I consider normal boundaries e.g. will often look into the refrigerator at someone else's house to see what they have to drink (I have managed to explain and have her stop this) All my other kids would have felt what I think is a natural respect or at least hesitancy to invade or touch other people's property/space.

When she is in her good space she is amazing and wonderful but when she is in a bad mood...LOOK OUT!

What is it like when your DD does not get her way or is in a situation where she is bored or unhappy? This is when I see my DD's traits get ugly. All that intensity etc. is not pretty when it turn negative.

Like you I often wonder if she has something going on that I am not able to put my finger on. I have ruled out ADHD. She is actually in therapy because I want to make sure I am not missing anything. So far I have no answers. DD does love to go though so we will continue.

What set of behaviors make you the most uncomfortable? What do you think is the underlying factors between your DH and DD that cause friction?

I totally relate and understand why it can be tiresome. I will say that these sorts of very in depth obsessive interests are not uncommon with gifted kids though and that in isolation from other flags would not suggest Asperger's to me.

Also, while it may not help now, let me offer as encouragement. Our child was much like this as a preschooler as he got older it is fantastic. He's focused. He's creative. He's driven. Hard to take in a four year old but fantastic in a teenager.

My suggestions:
1. Focus on you. Do you have stuff in your life at home that you really enjoy? Are you learning something new? If not I would strongly suggest trying something new - knitting, woodworking, etc. It will help your daughter see that sometimes you need to focus on your own stuff just like she needs to focus on her stuff. Also, I would make sure if at all possible that you are getting out of the house kid free breaks often and using that time for something really relaxing - not just running errands.

2. Clearly communicate your limits and give her notice ahead of time. It might look something like this: "It is 9:30 now and I can play Beatrice Potter until 10:15 and then I need to do laundry. Let's set the timer for 45 minutes. When it goes off it will be time for me to be done." The grim reality is that yeah, you probably have to engage in this kind of play more than you want to, but you don't have to do it all the time. It is important to kindly talk about the limits of other people and this is much better than losing your temper later because you are irritated with it.

3. She needs to have some time exactly as she wants it, but some of the time you can work on gently expanding the boundaries to related but slightly different activities. Perhaps she'd like to dictate a story for you to type on the computer and then you can print it up and she can illustrate it and make copies for the grandparents. Maybe she'd like a tape recorder to tell her stories and then she can listen back to them later. Seeing some plays helped our son get the idea of putting on shows which involved a lot of time preparing on his own so that cut down the parent centered time. It will give at least a bit more variety to her world and be less boring for you.

My closing thought... As the expression goes: The days are long but the years are short. It may seem hard to take right now, but you will miss it. So, extend yourself to more of it than you want to. Take lots of video and photos. You will miss this someday.

gosh, thanks everyone for responding. It feels so good to come some place where I feel we are a little less weird LOL

My Dh is not gifted, though his brother is. They do not speak to one another any more. He says that we both (my DD4 and I) talk too much, feel too much, think too much, etc. He does better with our two year old, but not that much better. She is more like I am, but even as a child,I wasn't as loud and forceful. It is like I had steroids while she was in the womb (and I was so careful of what I ate and was exposed to)yet is also super girlish. The conflict with my DH is he responds to her and argues with her as if she were a forty year old guy. He responds to the "gorilla" part in her but forget the 38 inch tall blonde preschooler's emotions and understanding.

I do not have any living family and his family is of limited help. I know what I really need to do is work out time for myself and for the girls to have outside input.

Hi Breakaway4,

My DD4 is at her worst when she doesn't get her way. She is learning to respond with less intensity in those situation, but I hold my breath for a moment when she is up against something that isn't her way. She is just more animated, more easily wound up, and quite outgoing, but when the flip side is revealed, oh boy is she louder and more intense than other kids we know. So far, no one thinks it looks like ADHD so I am just trying to find ways to help her learn to contain. I am using the Nurtured Heart approach and the Kagen Method both which use positive reinforcement to try to help them build the opposite behavior of the one that is causing problems. So, if the child is very impatient, every time they show even a sliver of patience, the parent tells them they are being patience and has specific praise. For instance, I am trying to help her realize she is using self control at times and the more we praise the tiny steps of self control, the more we hope to see it
increase.

Is there anything the therapist recommends?

Hey Passthepotatoes,

Thanks, that made me a little teary thinking of how much I would miss the cute little obsessions that will seem so innocent some day when she is off being a cool teenager LOL

I truly appreciate your taking the time to give me such thoughtful suggestions. I took all them to heart and will re-read them for reminders. Thanks.

Hi Twinkle Toes,

No formal recommendations from the therapists yet. Just as you say - catch and reward the positive. She is actually pretty calm at home, well organized, helpful etc. most of the time like any other child. Her ramped up behavior starts the minute we are in a new or exciting situation - the grocery store, a dance class etc. She does actually jump up on the couch and laugh out loud at funny shows or during a fun game though. I think it is over-stimulation, poor sensory processing and a lack of ability to self-regulate. It is the inability to self-regulate that gets me...why just this one child of mine...what is behind it? Sigh....

Well I am sure that like me you adore your little ones and yes as passthepotatoes says the days go slow and the years fly by. Perhaps this perspective is easier for me as my older children are 19 and 21 and it seems to have passed in a heartbeat.

Definitely research all the places and options that allow her to be with others learning how to be social and getting her energy needs met while you get a chance to see other grown-ups and take a bit of a rest! Easier said than done I know. :-)

And vent vent vent away!

Breakaway

Hi Twinkle Toes, I noticed a link to this book Dreamers, Discoverers and Dynamos on another thread (recommended resources) and after reading the amazon reviews thought you might want to take a look if you haven't already come across it. One review in particular struck me this 'Does your child talk incessantly about whatever subject he's currently passion-filled? ...In short, does he drive you crazy and you're at the end of your rope?' There are some other reviews on here if you search 'dreamers' which note that even though the title talks about problems at school it offers much broader advice and is perhaps misnamed