Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy playing catch-up with "neglected" 2nd child...

Hi All,

I have a lovely, inquisitive G/T DD10, and a very funny, rough-and-tumble almost 4-yr-old DD. The past 2 years have been emotionally tough for me (dealing with the illness and death of my father) and consequently I did not do nearly as much active play, drawing, writing, etc. with my second DD during that time (from age 2 through now - almost 4).

I'm embarrassed to admit that she was often set in front of PBS kids while I wallowed in my own stuff. I am coming out of my depression and doing much better interacting actively with her now. She's a great kid and asks all sorts of questions and is very verbal, but now I worry that I've permanently hurt her by being so hands-off during that crucial developmental age of 2-4.

I am doing what I can now: limiting TV, more drawing, game play, gardening, reading, etc. Getting into a better routine. Can any of you point to any studies which show that a kid will still live up to their full potential after a parent has been so passive during the toddler years?

Thanks and I do enjoy reading your posts. You all are so bright and plugged in,

Enjoy your summers,

Welcome OliEli's Mom!

First things first.

I think I can speak for the majority of folks on this board: You have our collective permission to go easy on yourself. Really.

Parenting is hard work even under the best of circumstances. We all do the best we can when times get tough. And it sounds like you did too over the last few years.

There is no getting around the fact that you needed to heal and take care of yourself. (Remember the oxygen masks on the plane! Adults, put yours on first, and then your kids)

You could have given her much worse TV to look at than PBS kids; It could have taken much longer than two years for you to feel better; etc. etc.

And now you are here on this forum, seeking advice. You are a great Mom! Your daughter will still be able to have great experiences and grow and learn and thrive.

You may have some catching up to do to figure out how to help her but that is ok too. we'll help.

So again. Go easy on yourself. And Welcome!

yes, be easy on yourself

how does your dd10 interact with her sister? Siblings can provide an enormous amount of stimulation just by being.

and, welcome!

IMO, kids don't need all that much beyond the basics (food, water, shelter, clothing, and love) in the toddler/preschooler years. And I don't think they need anything by way of academics. If she doesn't have emotional problems, I would assume that she is perfectly fine intellectually. JMHO.

Hi OliEli's Mum,

I don't know of any studies on the topic, but I do share a similar experience. I suffered from postnatal depression for 2 years before I was diagnosed and it took me a little over a year after that to really be feeling functional. I was very worried about the damage my passivity might have done in those 3.5 years, but dd (now 4.5yo) is a happy, healthy, confident little girl and she and I now have a very close and happy relationship.

So be kind to yourself It sounds to me like you're a great mum doing what you can for your kids.

Welcome OliEli's M!

Sounds like you are on a good path - Yippee!

There are no studies anywhere near delicate enough to answer these questions - it sounds to me like you are doing the best possible job of living your life - so go forth and live each day.

None of us can go back and change the past. And given the perfectionism that come with our intense imaginations - we would all like to.

Here's how I finally stopped myself.

Let's say that a time machine was invented, and I was allowed to go back and fiddle. I'm sure that I wouldn't be satisfied with any of my alterations - so intead of living life, I would be in a continual loop of fiddling and being unsatisfied. Better to learn to live with our imprefections and just assume that a High Power must have had something planned for our hard times even if we never know what it was. Like the story about the beautiful young woman who married the young man with the terrible physical deformity. ((He claimed that the deformity was 'meant' for her, and he begged. before they were born, to be allowed to carry it for her - she bought the story!))

We have complete freedom of perspective, yes?

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Hi all,

Thanks you all for your kind words. It makes me feel better! And thanks for sharing your personal story, Kvmum, I'm glad and encouraged to hear how well you and your DD are doing.

Grinity, yes, the time machine analogy helps illustrate the futility of the "what if." There are SO many things I'd try and change, that it'd become a catastrophic, fiddlin', loopin' mess!

So we move forward. It's also easy fo me to forget at times that these DDs (DD 3.11 and DD 10) are two completely different people with different developments and interests, no matter the emotional trauma I've been through.

thanks again,

Accepting my tendency to perfectionism, both inner and outer directed, has made my life more peaceful, and more fun!

My Aunt just called to read a letter that my Mom, now passed, had written about life with me, at age 2 and 3/4. We went to visit a newborn baby. I said: 'It's TOO SMALL.'

Apparently I was Outer-directedly perfectionistic even before the age of 3!

((Hugs))
Grinity

Welcome to the board!