Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy intensity, melodrama, sensitivity, bossiness

My just turned four year old is wearing me down. Yes, she can be charming, funny, highly imaginative, very artistic, and adorable, but the flip side can be very draining. I am home with her and her active, bright, mischievious two year old sister, full time.

She is so intense, with this constant stream of outward moving energy, highly melodramatic and prone to erupting into very, very loud, very, very intense screaming fits that are louder and more over the top than if she were being poked with a hot poker when maybe all it was is she got a little water in her eye. Here's another example: she told me "I ruined the life of a child" because I wouldn't buy her a stuffed animal and screamed and carried on for an hour. I didn't want to get it because she was so pushy and rude about demanding one. I don't reward that sort of behavior. She also has an inability to back down, is highly impertinent, and well, seems plain ole hyper to me and feels a need to grab things, loves to toss things in the air, and needs almost constant attention. She has gotten more attention from me, often one on one, than a majority of children so it isn't as though she has been ignored. There is probably more LOL

A year or so ago I went to a psychologist because I worried about ADHD or something else and that is when she was unexpectedly given an IQ test and he basically said she was very bright and he saw no signs of anything else, but all he did was spend the time together with the IQ test which is hardly a natural environment to see how she behaves: she stood almost the entire time and held on to the table and bounced up and down with excitement during the entire test(is that normal? LOL). She did quiet down to do the puzzle aspect which ended up being her lowest score. I also had someone from our school district come to observe her at school and they said the same thing: significantly advanced, but no signs of anything else. In fact, they said she was outgoing and introdues the observer around to everyone. Whatever you call what she is, I am just feeling exhausted.

There are not any children for her to play with on a regular basis so I get burned out from her almost constant need for conversation and interaction, but there is no easy solution. There is no one to babysit for us.

I know I have posted about this in the past, but am just feeling overwhelmed today and wondered if there are any resources. I have read all the common "spirited kid" books and many parenting books on parenting defiant kids, but wondered if anyone knew about books that deal with defiant, overly emotional gifted kids or can at least epathize with what I am going through...thanks.

Twinkle Toes! A big hug goes out to you along with a wish that somehow you miraculously are able to take a long spa day and recharge. :-)

I can relate to your situation. I have two intense children who are now 7 and 9. No one really ever wanted to say ADHD back when they were younger but they are being evaluated now. Not to say that your DD has ADHD not 100% my two do. We will have to wait to see if medication changes anything - haven't started yet.

I still dread parties, grocery stores, doctor visits etc. because I am never sure if my two (especially my DD7) will be "on" and charming and wonderful or "off" and as you say impertinent and in our case bossy and overwhelming to others.

It IS exhausting and sometimes I feel so isolated because I feel like I am being judged as a parent. I can tell you that while we have some impact as parents, a lot is genetic. I have two older (19 & 21) and they had a different father and were bright, easy going, easy to raise boys. These two have been different since day one.

Keep venting here and my only tried and true advice is to try to get breaks for yourself AND find other playmates who are also "more" with parents who get it.

Yours in exhaustion,
Breakaway

thanks so much for that note. Good luck over there. I know what it is like to have two children who are just set on HIGH all the time. I start to feel so disheartened as if I have done something very wrong as a parent, but deep down know there is only so much control I can have. My gut told me the same thing that you are saying: I need time away and they need friends to play with besides me. My DD is actually the worst at home and part of it may be I am burning out so I have less to give. If I take her alone to a show, even the ballet, or to an appointment, she can contain herself, and she also can sit quietly at storytime at the library and focus on art projects etc. so that gives me some hope. She was much more explosive at two and three. I know they say gifted kids are often intense, but I do still wonder about ADHD. I asked the teacher who observed and she wrote it off because she followed directions well and stayed on task, but the impulsivenss, constant talking, and intensity, is exhausting by whatever name you call it!

Thanks for stopping by my post to at least say you understand.

My DD7 was and is how you describe your daughter. As a toddler and preschooler I used to say that she literally sucked the life out of me. It was so hard to explain to others what I meant and I often got the feeling that they thought I was exaggerating. It was high intensity all the time. We avoided many situations, just like Breakaway4.

When she started school, her primary teacher was adamant that something was 'wrong' with her. She couldn't stay in her chair and rarely finished her work. Grade 1 was better, but her two teachers agreed that something was impeding her school work. She was smart but just couldn't get it together at school. At home, she literally bounced off the walls, talked non-stop, etc. Her pediatrician started her on ADHD meds based on teacher assessments. We went ahead with psyschological testing this year, in grade 2, and the psychologist agreed that she had some mild ADHD symptoms but was also profoundly gifted.

I find it easier to deal with DD now that we know what her issues are. It is easier to be patient with her because I know how hard it is for her to cope. I can't even imagine what it is like to be inside her head. Her brain runs non-stop. No wonder she acts like she does.

I don't have any good advice, just lots of sympathy. No one else truly 'gets' it unless they have a child like yours. I find DD is best on days that she is outside playing for a long time. She cannot be inside the house for any period of time or we all end up feeling a little insane.

TwinkleToes,

This is terrible, but misery loves company. Reading your very tired email gives me a place to stop and pant in commiseration. I have me one of those as well - PG and apparently mildly ADHD (big question mark here), and it is rough. In the past several days, I've gotten so upset with the churlish remarks, the subtle blame-it-on-mummy-for-this-and-that that I'm absolutely drained. And yes, there's the nonstop talking - it's doubly worse when I'm driving and he refuses audiobooks because he's just thought of a wonderful invention that he needs to talk about. Like a lot of you, I've stopped complaining to friends because they all think I lucked out. That sort of comment just stops me short because the very thought is so multi-layered. The more I explain, the more resentful I feel!

To cope, I've ordered a set of Howard Glasser books recommended by Grinity (if you're reading this, thanks for the rec) called Transforming the Difficult Child. I'm really hoping 1) to get them soon and 2) that they work for us.

I've been keeping a journal on what triggers these intense episodes and the latest I've come up with is that he's very easily over-stimulated. This happens when he's working on his robotics, having lessons with a high school physics teacher (thinks the world of DS and vice versa), or playing strategy board games. The last 3 nights, he barely slept a total of 15hrs, and he is crabby. You see, the school holidays have just started for him and he is free to indulge in his favourite past times. We're not booked to travel till mid next week and I'm trying hard not to blow my top in the meanwhile because he'll definitely be more relaxed once we're off. Unlike some of the other kids, he does not want to go out to burn off his energy or meet with anyone apart from his best friend (only happens once a week), so I'm stuck till then. At least this is the weekend and DH is helping to take some of the load.

In the meanwhile, yes, I'm trying to feel empathy that it's tough for him. That's harder to do on some days than others! And I'm willing myself to think positive thoughts. Absolutely, a spa day soon sounds necessary.

Maybe we can have a virtual group spa day for all the frazzled mums here. We certainly deserve it!

I'll join the virtual day spa. I see the subject line here, and think perhaps I wrote it. I don't have any great advice, but I'm thinking of checking out the books listed here on spirited/difficult children. Last night, soon after I explained to someone that DS6, who just finished kindy, would not be attending 1st grade next year but rather 2nd, he had the most atrocious behavior. He was screaming and sobbing because he couldn't find DH's bag (which contained his Nintendo DS), he was screaming and trying to boss me around because he couldn't get the food onto his fork just so, etc. When he was out of earshot, I tried to explain to my friend about asynchronous development, along with lack of sleep because it was the last week of school. I felt quite sheepish. I am hopeful that much of this sensitivity will subside when he gets a bit more sleep, but for some reason he keeps waking up earlier and earlier every day!

Good luck TwinkleToes!

oh no, you all have children who are older than my DD and they are STILL doing this so my hopes and dreams that have been resting on "growing out of this" have just been smashed up against reality. I was just being melodramatic to fit with the theme :-) Seriously though, I am hoping this evens out. Actually, I try to tell myself that this is the improvement. Yes, believe it or not, this is an improvement over where we were a year ago. I added some fish oil to her diet and tried the Nurtured Heart Approach and that took a tiny bit of the edge off, but still, spirited is a rather weak word for it some days :-) I have a friend who called her DD spirited and I wanted to say, "Are you talking about your submissive, meek, mousy daughter???" I love that kid, but have seen her in many settings and that child's "fiestiness" is a joke to me. That child clings on her mom whereas mine marches up to a line of adults and makes demands and requests when she was two and three. I have never seen that child cry or make demands etc. Sure she may be "worse" in private, but lucky for you you don't have to endure public humiliation, mine is worse in private too, but her public can have some pretty embarassing moments. Again, I have to remind myself she is so much better than she was.I can imagine how you wanted to hang your head when your child acted that way right after you had talked about a grade skip. I can imagine standing in your shoes and have been in similar situations. Oh yeah, for those of you who have profoundly gifted kids, it somehow almost makes it seem more sympathetic. I don't even know how gifted my DD is--what if she isn't very gifted and acts like this? She'll have no good excuse! ha ha

I believe that there are quite a few people who know my daughter who don't believe that she is PG. Her behaviour is just so out of sync. Sweet, kind, empathetic... and then hyperactive, talking a mile a minute or going off the deep end, sobbing hysterically. At least the temper tantrums ended around 4 or 5. I still cringe when she starts talking to strangers, but she IS getting better. And I can reason with her now and sometimes I can head her off or talk her down. It just takes an awful lot of effort for things to go smoothly. And when they go smoothly for her, I end up being the basket case worrying about everything and trying to anticipate triggers. I rarely get to enjoy it!

I want to find a shirt that has a disclaimer on it:

"I am only to blame for her good behaviour"

TwinkleToes, yes you are right. Even my son who is 7 has improved in some areas. When he was younger, he never had big tantrums outside the house; just inside. But these have disappeared. What's changed though, is that he's gotten much more sarcastic and manipulative. Last evening a little before dinner time, he smelt the cooking and said, "Delicious!" I asked if he was hungry and wanted dinner earlier. "Yet again, you've misunderstood what I'm saying", he said snidely. Or when I chided him on something. He started talking about how soft and sweet I was to him when he was a baby. "So where's all that softness gone?", was his punchline. And basically, getting him to stop what he's doing to eat/bathe/sleep is still a hassle, if not more so.

I keep telling him to rephrase to show love and respect. But on some days, my patience wears really thin. Yes it's true - there are times when he's the sweetest, most caring guy around. But when he gets into these periods of sharp-tongueness, I just want to hide in a cave and not be part of it.

Outside adults either love him or hate him because he can get so sarcastic. I'm hoping that he'll tone down by 8 or 9. So in the meanwhile, that t-shirt idea sounds wonderful, kathleen's mum!

hey Blob (love that name),

I am familiar with manipulativeness and snide comments and my DD just turned four last month! The other day she drew a fantastic picture on her etch a sketch that really amazed me, so being the proud mom I am, I grabbed my camera and asked if I could take a picture of it and she looked at me, gave me what I would call a "F you" look and erased it and said if I wanted to see it again I'd have to use my imagination. Maybe I am a pest in that I like to take pictures of the things she sculpts etc. but I don't follow her around all the time doing it, I am just proud and amazed by what she makes and this was particularly amazing (I haven't take a picture of something she created in months so it isn't as though she is hounded by a camera). I don't think it is a perfectionism thing (though I could be wrong). I think it is a control thing. I want the picture and it wasn't her idea, so she will fight against it.

Thank you to everyone on this board. This is the only place I can talk about my DD in a complete open honest way and think that someone might get it.