Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion 5yr old scared of dying.....

Last night at bedtime at bedtime my 5yr old DD said "Mommy im scared of dying" so i told her that she probably wont die till she is old and that when she dies she will go to Heaven and then while i was talking she said "I dont want to talk about this anymore" and i said "Well did I help any?" she said "No actualy you made it worse" so i asked her if she would like to talk to her father about it and she said "Yes" so i sent him in and he spoke with her then asked if he made her feel any better and she said "a tiny bit" then she went to bed

Now its morning and i tryed to ask her about it (asking her why/what made her think of that?/if she has been thinking about it for a while?) and she just says "I dont wanna talk about it." or "dont talk about that." i finaly got her to answer and tell me that yes its been on her mind for a while but she wont tell me why and she seems to still be upset about it i really just wish i knew how to make her feel better but she seems to be really thinking about it and not just asking in passing...

Anyways what do you guys think? should i just leave her alone about it and not worry about it? Did your child do this? What did you do?

Maybe this book (I Found A Dead Bird) will help your DD as much as it seemed to help my DS.

I Found A Dead Bird

Also, be prepared to have the subject reappear occasionally.

I just wanted to say that I have always, since I was a young child, been worried about dying. Not in a debilitating kind of a way, but in a "smell the roses" kind of way. When I was a kid I was particularly scared about house fires and kidnapping. As an adult I'm more worried about traffic accidents and plane crashes. Again, not worried enough to alter my plans, but worried enough to make sure that I tell my kids I love them when they get out of the car to go to school and to always kiss them at night before I go to bed.

I have to say that I think, in my case, it is a result of being gifted. I have always been much more aware of everything in the world around me than most of the other people I know seem to be. Also, I have always been quite interested in the news and in reading, which often features people in precarious and unusual situations. Logically, bad things can happen, and your DD probably knows this.

The two things I can think of that might help your DD is to make sure she is not exposed to the news or to scarier books for a while, and to point out that, if she does see something in the news, it is in the news because it is so terribly rare and unusual and unlikely to happen.

It sounds to me, though, that you handled the situation well.

It's pretty normal for kids to go through that at various ages. Often times gifted kids have pretty intense feelings and strong imaginations so the thought of death is even more scary. They often don't want to talk about it or think about it because that makes there mind go even more and become more anxious about it. It is tough because sometimes the more you bring it up (in attempt to ease their anxiety) the more anxious they become. I deal with this issue a lot as I am a school counselor with 4's and 5's. I would suggest reading a book on the topic about the natural process of death and the life cycle. I haven't heard of the one bonusmom mentioned but something like that sounds good. That may bring up discussion and if not, that's okay. I would say to her at some point that you noticed that when you bring it up she doesn't want to talk about it and that is okay...but if she ever wants to or has any questions then you could figure it out together. That opens the door but doesn't make her feel she has to talk about it or make her feel like it is a huge deal that she needs to be worried about. Has she had any other experiences of death before (family members or pets, etc.)? I remember last year DS5 got anxious when he heard about Heaven because he wanted to stay with us and didn't want to go. We had to explain that most likely wasn't going to happen for a while and that most people live very long lives. But it is hard because you can't make promises either. Good luck, hopefully anxiety about this will get better in time. : )

If she is in school right now, might she have gone through fire safety or a tornado drill at school? When I was a young child, the fear of death tended to resurface whenever we had school safety presentations about disaster scenarios (or car accidents as an older child) or when a friend of mine had lost a grandparent or sibling. DC15 was also quite scared about death after watching a movie in which a pet died. Reading books about it and creating plans for disasters (like a house fire) really helped both of us understand and allayed our fears.

Hooboy, was I relieved to see that the "exposure" turned out to be reading obits!

For my son it was all the H1N1 info spread at school in the beginning of the year. He wouldn't touch anything with his hands, including pizza, fries, and hamburgers. It took abit of educating and exposure to get through it. We also went through something similar during the New Orleans flooding. He was terrified of baths. There has been something that instigated this, maybe a class pet, or a peer having a death in the family. "We having nothing to fear but fear itself"

you know what i feel.
ii feel if she is not getting convinced by any of you then simply let her forget that topic.
dont start that topic over and over again.
may be it will help her normalize.

Well, part of the problem is that for many of these kids, it is their "normal" to worry a lot, and very intensely. It can be very hard to know what to let go and what to work to get them to talk about. Often they feel better if they talk about their fears. (Not always--all kids are different--but often.)

I'd have asked about it in the morning, too! To the "don't talk about it," I'd have asked her "Why not?"