Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments "social concerns"

I had a meeting with the school today. I am quite annoyed. They are concerned because my DS5 is not making friends with his classmates and doesn't have any specific friends that he really enjoys being with. I guess when the asked him to bring another child from his class into this adults office he asked "do I have to?" So that made him really concerned I guess. He is a very extroverted PG child, he loves being with kids...but he typically relates to children that are in the 10+ age group. He was grade skipped to first, but he just doesn't have the same interests as children in that grade, or at least not with the ones he has met yet. Although he talks about them and seems to enjoy being with them. So I expressed this concern that he is able to have great connections and conversations/play/etc. with older kids. They said that he needs to be able to have them with kids his age as this is the age he will be with for the rest of his time at school. (sigh). That is just so annoying that they don't understand how different he is. They said they didn't see it as an academic issue, but a social issue. Even though he is "bright." I am just so shocked. They have a copy of his report and he is not at all just "bright." Not that I care about the wording, they don't have to say "gifted" or "PG" but don't say that it isn't a factor when his IQ is like 2x the IQ of his peers. I was quite tempted to say "would you be able to make friends if I put you in a class with kindgergardeners? And if not, does that mean that there is a problem with your social skills?" And that is my vent of the week. Hopefully my only one as I am not big on venting (although there were clearly other aspects of the meeting I could vent about, but that will be for another time and place I suppose) : |

No advice, but sympathy!

Yes, big hugs to you both.

This is something we've been going through with DS9 since toddlerhood, we used to say that when he was 2 he didn't like 2 year olds. Insert any age above and it will still apply.

We've never had a sleepover or an invite to play at a friends house, and at his last birthday party only 1 child from his class showed up. DS9 relates better to 12-14 year olds and has a blast with DD16's friends. His teachers say he interacts more with them than with the other students.

[So I expressed this concern that he is able to have great connections and conversations/play/etc. with older kids. They said that he needs to be able to have them with kids his age as this is the age he will be with for the rest of his time at school. (sigh).] (sorry I don't know how to put a box around your post)

I've heard that one before. Why does he HAVE to be friends with kids his own age? They obviously mean his chronological age and not his emotional/intellectual age. Have they read "Genius Denied"? Urgh.

All I can say is keep on doing what you're doing. It sounds like he is a happy, loving, friendly child, so why does the age of his "friends" matter? I mean, I'm in my 30's, but I have friends from 20 years old to 65 years old. Why can't he? The school may not understand, but you do and that's what counts. I usually take those type of school meetings with a grain of salt.

Thanks for the responses. I am glad that I am able to take meetings with a grain of salt too, I know they don't know any better...but always still hold out hope that they are willing to learn. I also found it funny during the meeting that they asked if he was in sports or anything or if I had playdates for him. They were pleasantly surprised that I do have playdates with him and peers and don't keep him locked in a closet doing math all day and also surprised that I signed him up for T-Ball. They acted as if that would fix him, LOL. Apparently that is all it takes to make a gifted kid more normal...T-ball and playdates. So now you all the secret to normalcy, and knowing is half the battle : )

Some people never get it, do they? What's wrong with having older friends. Forget about this part of the meeting if you can. After all you signed him up for T-Ball If that doesn't work you can always add soccer

We recently had an IEP meeting with a school principal who said school was "60% social skills and 40% academic" so I've been thinking about why schools are so invested in a particular notion of age-grade socialization. My tentative conclusion is that the stress on friends who are age mates has a lot to do with justifying school practices of keeping kids in lockstep throughout. Teachers and administrators know perfectly well that the range of abilities and the subject grade-level achievement in any particular class spans many years. Age organization is for administrative convenience, but if they admitted that it would undermine the whole system. The alternative is to insist that there's some intrinsic good that flows from socializing almost exclusively with people born in the same calendar year while occupying the same classroom space. Maybe we need to bring back one-room schoolhouses?

That made me laugh so hard it hurt...

My 11 year old son once told me that he couldn't just be just be added to a group of kids and expected to make friends when there was "no common denominator" and he thought teachers should already understand that concept.

Most of his friends were 3 and 4 years older (and in musical theater, so they shared a common interest) when he was five and the developmental pediatrician told us it was okay for him to have older friends because he had a higher mental age. Now his best friend, whether he will admit it or not, is his sister who is 18 years older. She went through a bad breakup with her boyfriend of 4 years recently and my son talked her through it and made her laugh through her tears. He knows her favorite songs and can make up a parodies to sing to her when she calls. She does not call to talk to me when she is feeling sad. She always wants to talk to her little brother. He always knows what to say and if he gives her any advice, he does it in a way that makes her laugh.

The Kindergarten teacher my son had in his only year of public schooling was worried that my son would not fit in and I didn't think it was as much of a problem as she did, but then again he picked out the song "Go the Distance" to do as a solo in his musical theater group's next musical revue and there is a line in it that says "I would go most anywhere to feel like I belong."

I also want to say that I think having good social skills in school was not such a good thing for my daughter and I can't help but think about this when I hear teachers talk about how important social skills are. My daughter developed excellent social skills as a cheerleader and had lots and lots of friends, but she would not or could no focus on academics after she entered those wonderful social years. She had read early, but not as early as her younger brother, made good grades, could color in the lines and draw beautifully (so important in our public schools here) and won awards for math and reading in elementary and made good grades but when she went to middle school and started cheerleading, school just wasn't important to her any more.