Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DS4.5 "immature" description?

Please try to make sense of my purposeful rambling in my long note. Can anyone help me out here and give me some similar descriptions of their sons (not daughters) at age 4? My son (an only child) actually turns 5 in April. We know no one around us that is like him (personality-wise). He loves to run (inside, outside, wherever), races with us to win, will zig-zag in front to cut us off.:) He LOVES Lego building - strictly vehicles, well, and their homes. He play acts with his cars, trains, etc. He loves to wrestle with us; but not with other kids (trust?); and only with us until he can't really take it anymore more. He is very sensitive; but getting less so. We are trying to get him to become more easy going - if that's possible (some advice there would be nice as well). We don't know if he is just quirky or immature, or both, or what. We think he is great, fun and funny; but other kids seem to read something different about him from the start. He has two friends that he likes to literally run around with; but otherwise he doesn't seem to trust them or something of that nature. We believe him to be between levels 3 and 4...can't tell just yet due to DS being a late talker; but definitely at least a 3. Scored off the charts at just barely age 4 non-verbally by a psych not used to GT kids, let alone ones that will work you when they see frustration.:) So, we are unsure how he is verbally. We will probably test him again around 6. He may have a verbal ld, or not. He sees a private SLP. And I am "trying":) to hs him; and he seems to learn everything we go over very quickly; although reluctantly...another story.

We are going to hs his K year - next fall; and see where to go after that point. I may try to grade skip him eventually; and that is a small part of why I am asking this question. Anyway, my point here is to figure out if my son is just immature, emotionally over-sensitive, if this is "normal" for GT boys at this age. He is not the eloquent gifted talker, as I have heard about; but he really didn't start talking until 2-2.5. He IS catching up, and does not stop talking now.:) He is reading and doing basic math, counting by...; but is more into learning things through my reading to him, and by playing games. He gets into a sort of relaxed/trance state while listening to me read; and can tell me what I read to him, although in immature verbage. He is now playing the piano as well; and because of his delayed speech, his teacher does seem amazed that he is getting it so quickly and that he actually focuses, amid his short-lived silliness. He does have a huge vocabulary; but tends to not use those words. He is trying more now; and uses my DH's and my expressions a lot. I digress again.

I am trying to figure out if anyone's child is/was like him at 4 (almost 5). And if you could actually describe your sons at that age, would you please? I never read descriptions here that tell about how a DS4 (again not daughters) acts in a certain situation socially. Are they "emotionally immature," "emotionally sensitive," actually more mature but dealing with it overly-emotionally? I have read those specific words; but what do they actually mean to you? Can anyone give me examples? situations? I guess my purpose is to see what is "normal" for him. He is becoming more intolerant of kids his age in general, mostly because when he approaches them and asks if he can play with them, they usually give him a dirty look or just say "no." He is hurt; but keeps trying. Is he more mature? less mature? how can other kids read that he is different? I am happy that he doesn't play with those kids if they are not going to be nice anyway; but do you know what I am saying here? This may be a weird statement; but he looks the same as all the other kids...stature, actually as tall or taller than most, a cute kid (if I can say that;). I am at a loss. All my life, I never understood why people/kids were nasty...so he is like me (GT too). So how does this make him less mature? Should he just be more mean? Okay, I'm done.

Thank you! -Michelle p.s. currently going to bed - hopefully waking up to some good responses.:)

Well, your DS sounds alot like mine did at that time. Even down to the late talking. DS9 didn't really take off with his speech until 2.5-3 (we actually had a speech consult just to make sure everything was OK). Turns out, he just wasn't ready, but when he was, the flood gates opened and still haven't closed .

At 4 (and even now) he was exuberant, vivacious, full-on all the time, and just exhausting. He wrestled with us, loved to be tickled, really seemed to thrive on physicality. He was reading, counting, doing simple math. He was also very emotional. He frustrated easily and didn't tolerate it well. He would still have meltdowns over things that we couldn't really understand and was just very intense.

At the time, we suspected he was bright, but really had no frame of reference or comparison. He had a friend who was very similar in development (but for the late-talking), so I just thought it was normal or average. It wasn't until he started K that we became more aware of the differences and they were pointed out by his teacher. That really began our journey to discovering that DS is brighter than average and looking back now, so many things make more sense.

Regarding maturity - Sometimes I find myself saying that DS is less mature than whoever, when I don't think that's what I really mean. I think it all depends on what constitutes maturity. DS takes things like honesty, friendship, and doing the right thing seriously. He's honest (sometimes to a fault), if he's your friend he's your friend despite what others say/think, and if something is wrong, it's just wrong. If he's uncertain about what to do/say in a given situation, he comes to DH or me for help. To me, these are mature actions/behaviors.

Can he sit still and be quiet for 7+ hours a day in school? Nope. Does he still find body humor funny? Yep. Does he still get upset and not handle his frustration appropriately at times? Yep. Some would say that he's immature because of these things. I don't really see it that way. Learning the appropriate times, places, and/or actions for these things is the mature part of it, in my opinion, and he's doing that. Those are just my thoughts.

Hope some of this is helpful for you.

I have a DS5 with a January birthday, so he is newly 5. He will begin Kindergarten this fall. I also have DD11, who was a giftie girl (early talker, mature, tall etc). I try not to compare my two kids as it would be incredibly unfair but I sometimes wonder how boys and girls are sooo different.

DS was a late talker, partly due to an early hearing loss, partly because DD would talk for him and partly because his typical development. Once he did talk though, he had a wonderful vocabulary. Physically, he is a fast runner, loves to jump and is very athletic. His interests include legos, gears, superhero games and many games that he has made himself. He is very imaginative and loves everything science.

His maturity may be typical of other boys, but I have always thought he is a bit immature. His pre-k teacher has assured me he is just fine, but after having a girl who would sit still and follow multi step direction, I wonder how his K teacher will view him. Another aspect of DS I was not prepared for were whining and frequent "melt downs". With him, they are easy to manage and blow over quickly, but he is very sensitive this way.

Hopefully my rambling helps at all. I just read an article in one of the parenting magazines about Kindergarten readiness. It had great tips on how to help a child with the non-academic aspects of school. I will come back and post some highlights when I get back from work, as you might appreciate it as I did too.

Jen

Thank you, ladies. Also, I have read a ton of books since all of this. Can anyone recommend one that is more detailed about their personalities to see what I could expect in the future? He is strong willed as well; but he is fairly compliant with us. Most others don't know how to handle him, curiously. He does not throw major tantrums, etc. He may have a cranky moment, almost always due to being tired, or he says because he misses his Daddy while he's at work (long days). We then ask if he needs a break on the sofa or in his room, or some hugs; and he says yes to one or the other and when he's done, he's done. I really don't understand that aspect either. He just needs firm kindness; and he cannot be given an inch, or he'll work whoever until eternity.:) Why does he need such a different personality? And how do I explain this to others. I try, but they never seem to get. Although, they're probably just zoning out when I try to explain. Who knows. We think that he is the best kid.

p.s. I've read:
-Five Levels of Giftedness
-Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnoses of Gifted Children and Adults
-The Mislabeled Child: How Understanding Your Child's Unique Learning Style Can Open the Door to Success
-Late Talker; and the Einstein Syndrome
-and I've poked around in the Visual Spatial Learner

I may be brain dead this afternoon and if so ignore me...But, I've read your post three times and I haven't come away with the specific stuff he's doing that seems immature. Everything you described for me sounds pretty standard behavior for many four year old boys. A lot of kids that age don't really have tons of friends and don't necessarily play well with strangers. If he has a couple of kids he will run around and play with that sounds fairly good to me.

Does he go to preschool?

It's not just you, passthepotatoes, I too read the post several times and didn't see anything that sounded immature or otherwise worrying. I hope this is reassuring, OP! Or is it that there are things worrying you that didn't really come across to us?

So, you're saying that your kids are like this as well?? He is homeschooled and only sees one of the boys about once a week or two weeks; so it is infrequent. He initiates play great, with words, asking if he can join in; but it's rare when someone says yes. We go to the park a lot where there are tons of kids; but the kids there in general are pretty rude. Are they just that mean to everyone, or is it just him? It seems like it is just him. Maybe the parents just aren't teaching their kids to be welcoming.??? I guess I am clueless that these kids just aren't being taught manners or whatever. That's what I tell DS at least. I do tell him that not everyone is like that; so he keeps trying. Thank you!

Okay, that detail helps. I don't see anything worrisome or immature in that description. One thing I've noticed with kids that age is sometimes kids who have spent more time with adults and have been socially coached more are actually a bit TOO mature for the age group. I'm wondering if that's the case with your son. Most kids that age will not formally ask if they can play and may not answer if someone else does. Kids are more likely to play near each other for a bit and then join in by running in the same direction, saying "wanna race?" or something like that. You might want to take a look at the book Good Friends are Hard to Find by Fred Frankel. It is a book for parents on how to help their kids learn to join play and get along with other kids. http://www.amazon.com/Good-Friends-Are-Hard-Find/dp/096220367X

What other specifics are you worried about besides the reaction from other kids?

I really loved the book
Good Friends Are Hard to Find: Help Your Child Find, Make, and Keep Friends (Paperback)
~ Fred Frankel (Author), Barry Wetmore

when my son was this age. There are unwritten rules about how to join a group, and after reading this book, I could teach them to my son. Perhaps it won't work, but it seems like a logical place to start.

Best Wishes,
Grinity

Great! Thank you! It's so hard when at first teachers are telling you that he isn't playing with others. He does just try to join in sometimes as well without saying anyting, by trying to just hang out, or run along with the game or whatever; but someone most of the time seems to stop and ask what he's doing. It is so sad. I will definitely read that book. I have learned a lot just in the past few days reading some recent posts. My feeling is that he is possibly more mature, but reacts to things more intensely/sensitively which makes him seem less so. On one occasion when some kids let him play, he did shy away when it seemed to be getting a little wild or out of hand, and all of a sudden he was "it." He said "I'm getting tired," when he really wasn't. So he knew to make up an excuse on his own. We think that he is doing great otherwise. And on the rare occasion that a nice, older boy will act like a mentor to him in the park and play with him, it is awesome! Thanks again!