Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Need help with confidence building & motivation

Hello Everyone,

I haven't posted anything in quite a while, between computer problems and life, in general, I barely have time to lurk! It seems things can never happen at a leisurely pace, but instead occur simultaneously. Then again, I don't know what I'd do if things slowed down, it would be so foreign that I might keel over from the shock.

Unfortunately, I fear that my attempt to give Boo lots of leeway re: her education, in order to help her get over her fear of being teased for being smart, to help her gain confidence in connecting with other children, has backfired. I need to find a way to get her motivated *and* build her confidence. For example, I know she can read, and she's been wanting to obtain a part in an upcoming musical, but she won't read for anyone else (or even memorize the lines and say them) because she's afraid that the other kids will think she's a show-off or weird.

As far as I know it's been at least a year since anyone has made such comments to her. Still the fear is there and it's holding her back. It's holding her back and hurting her, because I can see she wants "it" (the part in the play, etc.) but is so worried about being ostracized that she becomes a worried wreck. (Well, nearly wrecked.)

Her perfectionism isn't helping either. She is unwilling to try things that she might not get perfect the first time and is quick to quit. And I do gently nudge her to try new things, or something again and praise her for her persistence, etc. (vs. "you're so smart" or something similar). It seems, however, that her primary interest is in ensuring that the other kids like her...or more basically, that she "fits in" and is "normal".

Heck, I've found little notes in her journal re: behaviors of other kids with hearts around them or crossed out depending on if it was something that other's liked or not. She will often ask me before we do school (we home school), if what we are doing is normal for kids her age. I used to say, "This is perfectly normal for you". Then I had to change it to, "A lot of kids your age could probably do this". She then started to look some of the things we do up and cross-reference them to grade levels in schools...and found that "no, most kids her age, probably don't know how to add multiple fractions, aren't learning two languages - Spanish and Mandarin, can't articulate theories on multiple-simultaneous realities in a reasoned plausible manner, etc."

I know, now, that trying to make it seem that what she was doing was "normal", relative to ND kids, backfired. I was worried that she was putting so much stock into "normal" that she would have balked if she knew how far off she was -again, in relation to ND kids. For a while, it worked, she was willing to try new things. Now, though, I fear it may do more harm than good. It's so hard to tell!

I don't know if her current obsession (perhaps too strong a word) with fitting in has been steeled by her realization that she, to put it bluntly, doesn't. At least, not in the way that she desires. It's interesting to watch her; I can see when she "switches over", goes underground. Even her laugh changes, it becomes forced; she becomes "forced silly". Does that make sense? And then doesn't quite know when to stop and then feels terrible because she knows she crossed that invisible acceptance line, but isn't quite certain as to when or how.

Encouraging her to be herself, doesn't seem to be working. She says, "I *am* being a normal 5 year old!" and insists that it's the same thing. Perhaps, I should just pull out all the stops, and lay it on the line: "You are *NOT* a normal 5 year old! You are you! You are a kid that loves to read, a whiz on the computer, a kid that thinks math is fun, a kid that..."

Although, I don't know if that is a good idea. The only thing I know for certain these days is that I am certain of less and less!

Oh and if the work is at her age level to one year above it, she becomes sullen, because it's "too easy" and "baby" work. So there is definitely an internal struggle that she's working through. I just wish I could help her and am not sure how. It's so frustrating to watch her purposely hold herself back based on her perception of what's acceptable for her to be doing based on some ignorant comments from people in the past (and her own research).

Any suggestions re: building Boo's confidence and helping her to become more internally motivated (and less easily dissuaded) would be very appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Help!
MM

Kids learn at different rates. One excells at bike riding while another can read chapter books first. Ideally each child should do what is right for them by challenging themselves.

I try to tell my kids to do their best and not be concerned what the other kids are doing. What the other kids are doing is the parent/teacher's concern. Sports and Chess are areas where my kids can see other achieving above them. I think it great to see this.

Motivation can come from helping them to see they did a good job and tell them to give themselves a pat on the back. I think it is important to emphsize the process more than the outcome. I try to give attention by them telling me about their project and what they got out of it. Was it fun? What was challenging? It's not about pleasing me. Then when they are faced with a new challenge help them to know it would feel good to complete this job. If they are worried it's too hard they can get help. Making mistakes is part of the learning process. Working hard and completing it gives a good feeling. I encourage my kids to drive themselves rather than be parent driven.

There are books on gifted and motivation. Sorry I don't have reccommendations. That's something I want to read at some point. There may be something on hoagies or the Davidson Database to read. Good luck.

My suggestion would be if you are feeling really frustrated get outside with your child for the day and have some fun. You can both get more relaxed and feel more connected which will help the situation.

I hope this helps.

Our experience with D (now 14) has been to acknowledge to her that she is different (and great!) in her interest in subjects that most kids aren't interested in until they are older (or ever). I often tell her how much I enjoy talking with her because she talks and thinks more like an adult, and I think she likes to hear that. But we also talk about areas where she is at age level (or even below!), and how everyone has things they are good at AND things they have to work on. Her sister can't whip through an Algebra II assignment in 5 minutes, but her sister CAN make a new friend in 5 minutes. And there is one academic area (foreign language) where D actually has to work hard for success; we have made sure we don't let D slide with lower grades in that area, as it is important for her to learn good study skills(very hard when everything is so easy for them!). You can't hide the fact that they are gifted from them... my advice is to embrace it with them.

A Love for Learning is one that I've seen recommended a lot. I've been meaning to get it and probably will soon. It has good reviews on Amazon, but I haven't read it yet.

We've been trying the approach of, "maybe it isn't typical, but that doesn't mean that it isn't normal." Gifted is not abnormal; it is just atypical. Being unusual doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you or you are abnormal.

Thanks for the book recommendation! I'm hoping to pick it up from my library this week.

I fear I wasn't clear in my original post. We do get out quite often, in fact being in nature and doing lots of hands on activities are a how we spend significant portions of our lives. The frustration I feel is at at watching her latch onto something and enjoy only to squash herself down out of fear that it may not be what *she* perceives to be "normal".

I have acknowledged that she is different and that is great. That just made her more self-conscious, as she associated that with being a target for bullying. I've tried present (to her)that what she does is perfectly fine and not to worry about other kids. I've pointed out that *everyone* is different from each other and that's what makes us unique and wonderful and wouldn't it be a dull world if we were all the same?!

I'm running out of ideas and she isn't even 6, yet! I'm looking forward to reading the book Cricket recommended re: gifted and motivation. Any suggestions to get her over her self-imposed wall re: her desire to fit into a box called "normal" based on what she perceives as normal?

Thanks,

MM