Hello Everyone,
I haven't posted anything in quite a while, between computer problems and life, in general, I barely have time to lurk! It seems things can never happen at a leisurely pace, but instead occur simultaneously. Then again, I don't know what I'd do if things slowed down, it would be so foreign that I might keel over from the shock.
Unfortunately, I fear that my attempt to give Boo lots of leeway re: her education, in order to help her get over her fear of being teased for being smart, to help her gain confidence in connecting with other children, has backfired. I need to find a way to get her motivated *and* build her confidence. For example, I know she can read, and she's been wanting to obtain a part in an upcoming musical, but she won't read for anyone else (or even memorize the lines and say them) because she's afraid that the other kids will think she's a show-off or weird.
As far as I know it's been at least a year since anyone has made such comments to her. Still the fear is there and it's holding her back. It's holding her back and hurting her, because I can see she wants "it" (the part in the play, etc.) but is so worried about being ostracized that she becomes a worried wreck. (Well, nearly wrecked.)
Her perfectionism isn't helping either. She is unwilling to try things that she might not get perfect the first time and is quick to quit. And I do gently nudge her to try new things, or something again and praise her for her persistence, etc. (vs. "you're so smart" or something similar). It seems, however, that her primary interest is in ensuring that the other kids like her...or more basically, that she "fits in" and is "normal".
Heck, I've found little notes in her journal re: behaviors of other kids with hearts around them or crossed out depending on if it was something that other's liked or not. She will often ask me before we do school (we home school), if what we are doing is normal for kids her age. I used to say, "This is perfectly normal for you". Then I had to change it to, "A lot of kids your age could probably do this". She then started to look some of the things we do up and cross-reference them to grade levels in schools...and found that "no, most kids her age, probably don't know how to add multiple fractions, aren't learning two languages - Spanish and Mandarin, can't articulate theories on multiple-simultaneous realities in a reasoned plausible manner, etc."
I know, now, that trying to make it seem that what she was doing was "normal", relative to ND kids, backfired. I was worried that she was putting so much stock into "normal" that she would have balked if she knew how far off she was -again, in relation to ND kids. For a while, it worked, she was willing to try new things. Now, though, I fear it may do more harm than good. It's so hard to tell!
I don't know if her current obsession (perhaps too strong a word) with fitting in has been steeled by her realization that she, to put it bluntly, doesn't. At least, not in the way that she desires. It's interesting to watch her; I can see when she "switches over", goes underground. Even her laugh changes, it becomes forced; she becomes "forced silly". Does that make sense? And then doesn't quite know when to stop and then feels terrible because she knows she crossed that invisible acceptance line, but isn't quite certain as to when or how.
Encouraging her to be herself, doesn't seem to be working. She says, "I *am* being a normal 5 year old!" and insists that it's the same thing. Perhaps, I should just pull out all the stops, and lay it on the line: "You are *NOT* a normal 5 year old! You are you! You are a kid that loves to read, a whiz on the computer, a kid that thinks math is fun, a kid that..."
Although, I don't know if that is a good idea. The only thing I know for certain these days is that I am certain of less and less!
Oh and if the work is at her age level to one year above it, she becomes sullen, because it's "too easy" and "baby" work. So there is definitely an internal struggle that she's working through. I just wish I could help her and am not sure how. It's so frustrating to watch her purposely hold herself back based on her perception of what's acceptable for her to be doing based on some ignorant comments from people in the past (and her own research).
Any suggestions re: building Boo's confidence and helping her to become more internally motivated (and less easily dissuaded) would be very appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Help!
MM
