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Thanks SLhogan and eveyone - it is certainly providing me some possible insight. Unfortunately, things are not improving and the teacher now tells me this morning that DD will do anything to get out of reading or writing. I said that is so different to the child at home and she is reading Enid Blyton's wishing chair series at the moment - she simply replied oh they are good I enjoyed them as a girl. She also tells me that my DD (to my great surprise as it sounded out of character to the quiet girl who would not say anything -teacher's words a few months back) is arguing with the teacher and other kids about answers to quiz questions and then told the teacher she was right and she was smarter than her. The teacher told me well I told her that I was smarter than her as I had been to University and if she listened to me she would learn something. Apparently (and I am still shocked that DD would say this!) she says she is smart and doesn't need to learn X and Y as she already knows it and is the smartest in the class. I'm a bit embarassed by this as she has not been brought up to boast like this or say this type of thing. The teacher also said she only gets 50% of the quiz questions right - I am not sure how hard the questions are but I don't imagine they would be challenging for DD. She has now continued the reluctance to go to school and the stomach aches and she looks kind of dejected - in contrast to the girl who started school who always had a smile on her face and laughter on her lips. This teacher also says all the above comments in the classroom, in front of my daughter and other parents who are there to drop kids off. That embarasses me as I am quite a private person, not to mention how it must make my daughter feel.....

I think it is wonderful that you know what she is thinking so you can discuss it with her. I know I felt the same thing as a kid, but I never expressed it. My response would be threefold: First, I'd try to validate her feelings, but also explain that we can still learn from people who are not as smart as us. Second, I'd try to introduce/reinforce the idea of modesty--even when others are not being modest. Third, I'd do my best to get her out of that classroom, away from that teacher. IMHO, any teacher who goes around saying that they are smarter than their students (or otherwise comparing intelligence) is a poor choice for any student, and especially for gifted students.

Tizz,
My heart goes out to you. There are moments in parenting where our children ask us to grow in ways that we had planned on just giving up on. You are at one of those moments now. My son put me through plenty. I believe that you are hearing her cry for help, and that none of your previous plans will stop you from doing what is right for her.

It is frustrating that your daughter was offered to go with the older kids for certian subjects, and didn't take the opportunity. I think it isn't her fault. I think that she was reading the hidden 'ambivilances' all around her and doing what she though was going to make teachers, classmates, and maybe even you, the happiest.

Your daughter is 'right' in a way - her adults have certianly been 'stupid' in asking her to sit with her agemates and make the best of it for (count up the hours) since school started. My son had a lazer-like ability to notice what the teacher expected him to be able to do academically, and to resent the teacher's perfectly reasonable (but wrong) assesment. We adults have mixed feelings about so many things. We delight in the reading ability, but still wish that the child didn't have special educational needs that inconvience everyone.

You had the best of intentions for your daughter's educational placement. You were told that the teachers always have a large range of ability in the room (ahem, but not that large!) and are trained professionals. You also may know of kids who were skipped and weird.

It's the old 'causation/association' question - were they skipped because they were weird, or weird because they were skipped, or were both the weirdness and the skip caused by some other factor (bingo!)

I can pretty much garentee that those kids would have been weird no matter what, in our societies that value conformity. I'm weird, (although not skipped) and it just wasn't in the cards for me to be able to hide it!

Girls, particularly gifted girls, are quite good at figuring out what is 'expected' and 'acceptable.' She knows that bragging is not approved - and so you can take her actions to mean that 'the gloves are off' and she has tried her best to be the child you have been telling her (through the action of not skipping her) to be, and now she has had her fill of it, so watch out.

She is also saying, with her behavior, that Adult Attention is her favorite reinforcer - positive or negative matters not a bit to her.

Please don't sit her down and explain that it's wrong to tell the teacher that she is smarter that the teacher. Yes - it is unacceptable behavior, but your daughter knows it. If you don't believe me, try telling your DH, (or DP or a friend or whatever) that you are smarter than them within your daughter's hearing and watch her face. She will laugh, or be upset, or something that will let you know that she knows better.

((You may want to get your conspiritor's agreement first.))

You have to get her out of that classroom situation. If possible, ask your tester to help you advocate, or switch schools, or do a few months of homeschooling. You need to appologise to your DD and start fresh. You are the adult, and you are supposed to know better and be able to fix everything. As a fellow adult, I know that often I don't know better, often I can't fix everything, but our children need us to do our best. It's the intention that really matters.

I'm so glad that you posted here. That was really brave of you. Your daughter is giving you a wake up call, and hitting you right were you live - your 'I'll just be quiet and not make a fuss' button!

((Many Hugs and Smiles))
Love and More Love,
Grinity

Grinity, thank you so much for your thoughtful post. I am not having the same troubles as Tizz, but I still find (as I often do) relevant and highly insightful thoughts in your response. I am so glad you're here!

Tizz - I don't have anything helpful to add, but I feel for your daughter. Best wishes.

Grinity - Wow - you have the ability to cut right through to the essential issues - amazing! THank you so much for your wonderful insight - that makes a lot of sense. She has spent the whole year being the "tolerant, good girl" who so wants to fit in, and it would seem she has simply "exploded" and can't hold it in anymore. I know I made the wrong choice in not skipping her - and others in my life are going to say "I told you so" as they surely did - now I have to fix it. I have to say, it wasn't even so much the teacher's words as the manner in which she said it (in front of others as well) - like she took my DD words (a 5 year old child no matter how GT) as a personal affront to her (as if another adult had said that to her). When I mentioned, re-visiting the psychologist for some ideas (and a re-test of certain achievement aspects such as reading, maths etc) she said "I'd like to speak to THIS psychologist" in a disdainful way, so I knew she was doubting it all and just was not 'on-board' with DD at all. AS I walked away, I had the feeling that my daughter had to be away from that class - that the damage was just rapidly accumulating being with this teacher (who my DD loved at the outset of the year). You have confirmed those feelings. You are right I do not like to hassle and DD is obviously now screaming out for help. It is such a shame though as she has met a highly artistic little girl (who appears really bright) and has become quite friendly with her. Whether that is a true friendship or her trying to find a friend in the classroom, I'm not completely sure. Thanks Grinity and everyone else for your wonderful comments and support. I can't say enough good things about this forum - and so refreshing to be able to talk about these things with others who can provide such a high level of insight and lucid comments - when I am feeling so stressed that I can no longer think straight.

Oh Tizz ((hugs)) you made my day!

BTW - where do you think that your daughter's ability to read peoples thoughts and desire to please them came from? Your story shows just how much of those qualities you have in you as well!

And don't let anyone say "I told you so!" Unless they are prepared to go through ME first! We are all very heavily conditioned to disbelieve that gifted kids have special educational needs. I made plenty of mistakes, and what is so amazing about you and me is that we are willing to go - "Opps, that was a mistake, time to fix it!"

A friend of mine says that if the outcome of any decision could be known in advance, than it couldn't have been a very difficult decision in the first place. Welcome Home Dear!

Grinity

Hi Grinity

Not sure where DD got it from but my mother was a very empathetic person so perhaps a bit comes from there.
Yes, you are spot on this was a big mistake for DD! I took a risk and I recall at the time, really finding it difficult as I tried to convince myself that perhaps my DD was one that could survive without accomodation in the ordinary classroom - I took the easier option and there was always that uncertainty in the back of my mind - I never felt completely satisfied with my decision. Now I know why!
Thanks Grinity, for taking the time to provide me with your wonderful insight and support with these issues.

Tiz

I agree no5no5 - this was s startling comment by the teacher to a young child - any child - I would never say that to a child who said that to me. I was shocked that she told me she said that. Thanks again for your advice.

Hi Tizz - we did this, and I wish we hadn't. She brushed off the 30 point discrepancy between her testing and the school's GO's with "I can't explain it", but then proceeded to advise that "he seems happy", "of course" we'll have to go with the new test, and acceleration obviously isn't appropriate any more. It turned out that DS7's teacher had spoken with the psych the week before, and what the psych had to say seemed to be a recording of what the teacher has always said. She did a little achievement testing too, and advised that he's only reading a few months above his age. Well since even the school knows his maths and reading are two + years above grade level, we couldn't see any credibility in the advice.

I don't like to sound like a wet blanket, but it may be less than useful to go back to that particular psych. The result has made our advocacy even more difficult than it already was.