Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Fears of skipping grades

Trinity,

Our policy is that on weekdays the kids are permitted up to an hour of "screen time" AFTER chores and schoolwork. We count tv, computer time, gamecube, and gameboy all the same. If a friend is here for a lengthy playdate, I may allow an extra half hour of electronic stupor. This works for us and seems to fit in pretty well with the policies of the families we are closest to, so there isn't a lot of argument about the rules being unfair. We rarely spend a whole day at home, but if we happen to be here for a long rainy day, we might watch an educational dvd or some cartoons.

Kriston,

The lines between work and play do get quite fuzzy at times, but that's one of the really cool aspects of homeschooling. My seven year old has been spending hours drawing "halfbloods" from the Percy Jackson series, and I do count it as art, but I only allow her to do it after the core academics are completed. This year is the most structured we've been, and we cover 3-4 of these core subjects a day. The rest is all gravy, as far as I'm concerned! My long term objective is to see my kids as happy lifelong learners, and not to fast track them through school.

Love it, Kriston. *Love* it. If I didn't need to work, that is exactly what I would love to do -- with some involvement with a local homeschool group for social outings. Oh, I wish we could do that!

The thing that always worried me about my ability to homeschool is that I really tend to hover. For us school forces me to "cut the cord." Once I drop him off, he has to figure things out for himself and make his way in the world and learn from his mistakes.

When I am around, I find that I minimize his risks and try to soften his consequences, not in a big way, but way more than his school teachers do. They aren't harsh, but with 30 kids to manage, they just aren't as big a push-over as I can be. And the result is that DS is learning to make mistakes, cope with the consequences and then come up with a plan to prevent the situation from happening again--all without me. I see his confidence grow each year. For us, this has been a big plus for public school. In part, this works because DS *likes* public school; it would be quite different if he hated it and shut down when he was there!

I know many confident, independent HS students so obviously HS kids can learn this, but I doubt my ability to provide it. I'm curious to find out how the homeschool families provide this "trying-their-wings" experiences for your kids.

For me, part of the "wing-trying" comes out of my reminding myself that I'm raising future adults, not children. It becomes easier for me to do things in such a way to build resiliance when I keep in mind the main goal of raising our kids is to develop healthy, productive adults.

But then... I am not a pushover. I believe very strongly that if kids never hear a "no" that you enforce, then they never believe you mean it when you tell them that you love them either--you're just viewed as undependable. I firmly believe that if you say what you mean and mean what you say, kids respond with better behavior and stronger growth.

And...I am not and never have been a helicopter parent. I always half-joke that I practice "benign neglect" when it comes to parenting. I have always been the parent at the park who reads or talks to another parent rather than hovering where the kids are. I'm the mom who assumes that the kids are probably okay and not kidnapped by monsters even if they're out of my sight for a few minutes. My kids work out their own arguments at ages 3 and 6. (Does the 3yo sometimes get the raw end of the deal? Sure. But he also stands up for himself a lot more than many second kids I see. And the 6yo gives up a lot more than you'd think because he knows that things will be much worse if I have to intervene!)

I think giving kids opportunities to make mistakes has a lot more to do with the parents' state of mind than anything else, really. In fact, if you approach HSing with encouraging independence as one of your goals, it's quite easy to do. The kids have a lot fewer opportunities to follow the herd and a lot more chances to work independently in HS than in public school, IMHO.

Also, I find that being with my DS pretty nearly all day every day has really changed the nature of our relationship, not to mention his attitude. I've found that it's pretty easy to say "Go play!" when you're together so much. I feel much less need to micromanage his time than I used to, when we had all the pressure to get (dumb!) homework done before dinner, just at the time when he was at his most worn out and cranky. Now I let him decide when he wants to do things, and if they don't get done, there are natural consequences: no time to play, no TV time, etc. He definitely takes more responsibility for himself and his choices--and even for his education!--than he did before HSing!

With all that said, though, I think you do have to know yourself and your weaknesses to be effective at HSing. If you tend to hover, I think you're right that it could be hard to break yourself of the habit, regardless of how much time you spend together. And it can be very hard to be both mom and teacher. I've had to learn that it's necessary sometimes to stop teaching and just *be* together. I think it would be even harder for me to learn that balance if I tended to hover.

For whatever that's worth...

I see the tendency to micromanage in both parents of schooled and homeschooled children. As an example, a mother who was overinvested in her child's progress at school is now enmeshed with his home education experience. The new book, A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children has a great chapter on overidentification with the gifted child, enmeshment, etc. I think people who tend to be very controlling are going to present that way in just about any situation.

I don't mean to imply that anyone HERE is this way, the example I have given is an extreme one. It is just helpful for making my point.

This was a great question, and a very valid concern. My own kids are 2e and they have plenty of ways in which they must struggle.

take care-

Thanks Lorel and Kriston for your thoughts.

I know what you mean, Kriston, about the annoying homework assignments that need to be done and I do suspect that some of my hovering come from those--we argue a bit about them. I had plenty of those assignmentss as a gifted kid, myself, and I dealt with them by getting them over as quickly as possible. It makes me nuts to watch him dilly dally when he could have finished it and be playing by now! and what starts out as encouragement turns into hovering because I have trouble relaxing until it is done. I see what you are saying--if the assingments were better suited to DS (which they would be if I assigned them), he might "require" less hovering.

And, Lorel, I agree that kids that are a bad fit for the school system (like your 2e's) get plenty of opportunities to struggle. They really don't need a school that is setting them up to fail by not meeting any of their needs. There is a cavernous difference between struggling then eventually succeeding and just plain failing.

I'll give you guys an example of something that just happened this weekend, though, as something that the school did for me. I really appreciated getting to watch DS handle this one on his own. DS12 had a hefty assignment for his high school math class that was due this morning. DS proudly announced on Saturday that he had gotten it done. I cheered. Then last night about 10 (bedtime) he remembered that he had to forgotten to do another part of the assignment. "Oops, I said, that's too bad. I'm tuckered out so I'm just going to go to bed and let you deal with that. I'll see you in the morning." I think it took him about half an hour more to finish the assignment and he got himself to bed. He had a little trouble getting up this morning, but he did it. The great thing for me was that since the assigner was a third party, DS didn't see any point in negotiating with me (he is a great negotiator, often with great points and I find it hard to shut that down when I need to)so he didn't waste any breath on me and just got to work. Also, since I didn't assign it, I couldn't monitor how much was done. I didn't check on Saturday to see if he was *really* done, since I didn't know what "done" was. If I had had the power to change this situation, I might have caved and told him that he could just have done it in the morning, but since it was all out of my control, DS just got to work and I went to bed. Had I had any power, we might still be discussing (arguing) this. I'm glad to share this aspect of parenting with someone else.

Yup. That's the kind of thing I do miss.

But, then again, I'm not entirely opposed to fostering a talent for negotiation, provided that a failure to get his/her way doesn't lead to tantrums and such misbehavior. Knowing how to negotiate is a key skill, one that I think is utterly vital in human interactions. Certainly there are times when it's appropriate for a parent or teacher to be persuaded...and times when it's not at all. I do my best to distinguish between the two and hold the line when I should.

Also, I'm not solely responsible for holding the line. He has a football coach, an art teacher, P.E. teacher, etc. who are in charge of him at various times. That helps, too.

But I think you're right that appropriate assignments make it a lot easier to be more hands-off. I tend to only hover when I've given him something that I fear will be too hard for him. Getting the challenge level right can be difficult, but I think that's key to keeping myself from hovering.

But it's not as hard as I thought it would be to let him do his thing. FWIW, I'm not feeling like I'm being too controlling. In fact, he just finished cleaning his room all by himself...because he wanted to do it alone! That tells me we're doing something right. He NEVER cleaned alone when he was in a traditional school setting! I had to stand on him to get anything done! Now he's much more independent. But he's also a kid who has always liked the concept of independence, at least in theory. Is home schooling helping? Dunno. But I certainly don't think it's hurting.

I'm babbling now. My point was basically just that it's not as hard as I thought it would be to foster independence (in fact, it might actually be easier and more effective in our particular situation, though YMMV), and that allowing/encouraging a child's negotiation skill doesn't seem like a bad idea to me in the right contexts.