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Do any of you other homeschoolers find that people are offended by your decision? How do you handle that?
I have had people vary from turning their backs to me, to dirty looks to under their breath hostility. What on earth are they thinking when I say homeschool that makes them so angry? Thoughts?

Weeelll... people homeschool for all sorts of reasons, and with all sorts of effects on the children. I'm sure you're a fabulous homeschooler, and there are lots of those both here and elsewhere. However, (a) some people homeschool for reasons and in ways which make me very angry, e.g. because they hold religious beliefs which cause them to want to prevent their children learning science or critical thinking, which I think is child abuse (b) concentrations of homeschoolers vary enough that it would be quite possible for someone to have met or heard of that kind and not to realise that there are other reasons to homeschool. So one explanation might be that people are making mistaken assumptions about what homeschooling is to you.

This made me laugh a little, because it reminded me of a conversation I had about homeschooling with an old friend when I was first starting--

She said the most negative comment she got when she started homeschooling was from her sister, who said, "oh, you can't homeschool, everybody will think you're some flaky hippie!"

I told her that the most negative comment I got when I started homeschooling was from my brother, who said, "oh, you can't homeschool, everybody will think you're some hardcore fundamentalist."

We don't agree about very many things (religion, politics, etc.), but she (a hardcore fundamentalist) and I (a flaky hippie) both agreed that our siblings were pretty hilarious.

peace
minnie

Lol, yes - it says something about me that it wouldn't have occurred to me that anyone would seriously object to a flaky hippie :-)

The angriest response I got was from a former public school teacher. They are often either the least understanding OR the most supportive people I meet, actually. I think that makes some sense, since teachers have the most invested in public education. It makes sense to me that they have the strongest reactions to homeschooling.

In the worst conversation I ever had about homeschooling, an acquaintance and I talked when our family's decision to homeschool was *very* new, when I still felt raw from the interaction with the school and was still terrified that I was making a huge mistake. I feel sure that the conversation would go very differently if I spoke with someone like that now because I am confident that we made a good choice and I would no longer be defensive. Realizing that I was part of the problem in that one particular conversation was important for me. (Though that may be totally irrelevant to your situation, of course, if you're already confident.)

I think her side of the conflict was that she a) felt that her profession was being insulted because she felt I was saying that teachers aren't necessary (though that was not at all what I was saying! I am a former teacher from a long line of teachers! I have great respect for the profession!), and b) she didn't understand GTness AT ALL, and so she didn't understand why he couldn't just fit in. She actually said to me "I don't understand why he can't just be bored until the GT pull-outs begin in 3rd grade." That one left me slack-jawed.

Not to mention the fact that she assumed the one-hour-per-week pull-out--in math only--would end his boredom...I am certain it would not have!

So my best guess is that she took my pulling my child out of public school as a personal affront. She attacked me when I was weakest. Honestly, I have not forgiven her. I understand why she did what she did, but I think it was cruel of her.

The more common negative response that I see is a sort of surprise followed by coldness. What began as a warm, friendly talk between moms goes suddenly chilly when they ask me where DS7 goes to school. Usually if I ignore the chill and explain that DS is "pretty bright" (said in a whispered tone), was miserable in school and was acting out, but that he's much happier now, the chill passes. But not always.

So I'm not sure if bad reactions occur because they assume that we're "religious nuts" (whatever that means to them!) or anti-science or oversheltering or child abusers or if it's something else. I never ask. But that or the teacher defense are my best guesses.

Happily, people who get to know us seem to mostly like us. Certainly DS7 is a sweet, kind, polite, fun child with a happy outlook and a wide variety of interests, and kids nearly always like him. That makes it harder for people to reject us out of hand, I think. Thank goodness!

You know, I've had a few negative reactions, but less than I was expecting. I usually cover our homeschooling story in a few sentences if someone asks about DS's school and I make it about his feelings (he was miserable in school). Everyone wants a good fit for their kid and most parents would make a change if they were dealing with an unhappy child every day of the week. I also do try to make it clear we are NOT homeschooling for religious reasons. Where I am, there is a very clear divide between religious and "secular" homeschoolers. I love the "flaky hippy" remark. I'm sure people would categorize us more that way. On the other hand, some people would probably respect us more if we were religious homeschoolers.

I have found teachers to be the most curious, understanding, or hostile. It is interesting. And I have great respect for teachers too. They are grossly underpaid and overworked in a lot of cases. Even though our neighborhood school didn't work for DS, it works very, very well for many kids. Even GT kids.

I think this is true for us too. DS is his own best commercial for homeschooling. He is well adjusted, very social, and happy. The neighbor kids clamor to spend time with him after school. However, he is a bit of a smart alec right now unfortunately.

These are some great stories! I am afraid to say "pretty bright" because I have already learned that "smart" is almost a curse word in these here parts. I got a good response once when I called DS a "little go getter" and "ambitious". People seemed to like that one...the idea that with a little hard work, anyone can achieve. They can admire a kid who wants to roll up his sleeves.

I guess part of it is that we live in an affluent neighborhood that others might find desirable. They assume the school is all that and a bag of chips but actually, DS was the one who flat out asked me to homeschool so that he could do "real work". He said, "Does xyz school teach baby work to the kids so that they grow up to be dumb?" I was dumbstuck. Let's hope that little gem doesn't fall out of his mouth in public.

We've been at this a very long time and we have gotten very few negative responses. What works for us is to not define it by the downsides of school, but on what we are happy about in our lives. I find if I'm super cheerful in my response "Every kid is different of course, but I feel so lucky to have found something that works so well for our family and there is such a nice homeschooling community here now so we are super busy..." People got to be pretty much looking for a fight to be negative when you are being so chipper about it.

My story above notwithstanding, I do find it very useful to have a "cover story" (which happens to be true, but it's all I need to say to any casual inquirers, and it defuses instantly anything that looks like it might turn into a negative reaction): Frenchie works shifts, and homeschooling preserves our family life; neither he nor I want our sons to grow up without lots of time with their father. The fact that Harpo is unlikely to have his needs met in our school system (which has no accommodations for giftedness until--wait for it!--grade 11!!!) doesn't have to come up at all. I say nothing at all about the kids being bright, I just say that they need their dad.

peace
minnie

PS My second fallback position is to mention casually that I taught for many years; that way, people who are otherwise freaking out that we are in the bank during school hours trust that they are not being educationally neglected.

I agree with passthepotatoes about the value of chipperness!

<shrug> It works for me, Dottie. In fairness to me, you haven't heard me do it...

A lot of it is about the delivery. It's inclusive of the person I'm talking to, not exclusive. And it's important that I don't quit at saying that he's bright--which I agree would be problematic--but I go on with the not fitting and the behavior issues, and staying positive about school. It allows PLENTY Of room for bright kids who DO fit.

The benefit is that my approach avoids the dreaded word "gifted" that gives some people such fits, but doesn't make me feel dishonest or leave people with the (wrong!) impression that DS is a bad seed, which leaving the GTness out entirely tends to do. (I know because my mom did that and people kept asking about her "problem grandchild." He's NOT that AT ALL! She has since added the "bright" part and has had much better luck.)

And the fact is that most people don't really care all that much why we're not in school--they just want to know that we're not defective and that we don't think that school is. We're not and we don't.

As I said, if I get to explain why we're not in public school, things go well. Honest! I wouldn't post in a thread like this something that doesn't work for me! I guess I am a bit offended about that.

For the record, when I have chosen to take that tack--and I don't always because it isn't always appropriate in context--there has never been a problem. Not once! Some of those people are now dear friends who have kids in public school!

We're in a very homeschool-friendly community and the few negative responses we've had have all been from parents of my daughter's former classmates. My sense is they feel like we've opted out--and that by doing so we're leaving them to fix school problems on their own. Public schools are a source of such anxiety in some communities, and reflect so many race/ethnicity/class issues that the decision to HS can seem like abandonment of the schools and communities. To try and counter this we've stayed involved with education issues at the school board level, but it's a largely futile (I fear) effort, given the layers of bureaucracy.

The other thing I'd keep in mind in these conversations is that your first responsibility is to your child and that really random strangers (or even friends) and what they think matters a lot less. So, whatever you say, think about if you want your kid to hear it over and over again. I would prefer my child not hear public school is the problem or that there is something wrong/different/weird about him that makes it so it won't work. I'd rather just focus on how we are so happy with what we've got.

Yes I agree passthepotatoes...I've tried to be very careful in addressing the HS question. I tend to get questions at the grocery store where most are in a hurry anyway so I can make a quick getaway. I find it odd everyone always wants to know why DS isn't in school as in "Why aren't you in school, are you sick?" I don't want him to hear a lot of negative talk from me either about himself or about school so I usually just state that he's HS'd and end the conversation there. In one conversation, in not trying to bring up the lack of challenge issues, she thought DS was a slow learner I think b/c I said he learns differnetly. I think, I"m not certain, that "learns differently" is code for slow learner. I think a couple of people have thought that and I just leave it at that ... I don't really care what they think. If someone persists in asking questions, I just state that DS was very unhappy in school such that he was having a lot of physical issues (stomach aches, headaches).

It's funny though how many people once they get past it, comment, "Well that's great. HS'd kids learn so much better and faster than PS'd kids." And these are people who have kids in the PS!

Yes, I usually avoid the casual questions from random people. That's not worth the time. Agreed.

It's the people we'd like to have playdates with or we'll see at soccer every week that I will sometimes take the time to explain to. I do feel they might need an explanation if we want friendships to develop. I think that's reasonable. If nothing else, they want to know if we have anything in common, right? If we're crazy school-haters, it might not be a good match...

Saying "it wasn't a good fit"--especially with a shrug--places blame neither on my child nor the school. It just is what it is, you know? And truly, that's how I feel. We live in great school system for a lot of kids. Just not my older one. <shrug> I'm hoping it will be a good fit for my younger...

Adding at the end "...And things are working really well for us now!" helps, too! All about the positive.

I think this is true. I've had people insinuate or assume DS is ADHD, LD, etc when we weren't more specific. Although, lately DS has gone very public with his language skills. And not necessarily in a good way. But on the other hand, I've had a few random people approach me and say "I see why X school wasn't a good fit for him".

I also agree that being upbeat and presenting it as a family decision that works on many levels is good too. Choosing to homeschool is really a lifestyle choice that goes beyond selecting a school. And although it is a choice we've made for now, it's definitely not for everyone. No solution is perfect. We have lots of additional reasons that make it work for us too - flexible travel, ability to pursue more extra curricular, etc. I don't see our choice to homeschool as any better or worse than anyone else's decision. Some days I'm jealous of people who have HG+ kids that can make it work in public school.

PassThePotatoes - great approach and I totally agree.

We live in an area where homeschooling is extremely common (both secular and religious) and no one even gives it a second thought. I've only had 1 negative reaction and it was from my cousin, she said, after I had told her the heartache we'd gone through with the school and the huge fight I'd put up to force them to accommodate DS, "I just don't think you've thought this through". Anyone who knows me, knows that thoughtlessness is not my problem, lol. I was still so angry with the school, that I was in no mood to entertain uneducated second-guessing.

With one year of homeschooling about under the belt, it is funny how people react when they hear that we are doing that. My family is 100% accepting and they were the ones that suggested it in the first place. My husband's family just doesn't get it and think we are scarring him for life. We have found with the local homeschool group here that most of the moms are very outspoken on their homeschool opinions and the group is pretty much divided into 3 groups...the ones that are extremely religious, the ones that are radical and don't want anything to do with the census and would prefer to live in a commune with other HS families or the families whose kids weren't getting their needs met and had no other option. The only super negative (other than my inlaws) was from DS6's speech teacher at the local elementary school. He goes in to see her once a week for his IEP and she is adament about how homeschooling is not good for any kid and that at some point in their lives they must learn to fit in the box in order to be accepted in society. Which I STILL don't get!!!
I just tell people who ask that we chose to do it because it was the best fit for a child who was very unhappy in public school.

I too had the worst conversation early on. I too was insecure about our decision and felt the need to explain myself. It was last summer before we even started hs. The surprising thing was that the other person herself hinted hs 10 months earlier when I wasn't ready to even entertain such an idea. She even saw DS6 in action so to speak. It turned into really nasty discussion and I think it wasn't only about me being insecure. KWIM?

Now I don't really feel the need to explain. I just say we hs and I say it with a big smile. Period. If asked for more I explain what we do emphasizing all the social contacts DS has. Then I add that it gives us lots of flexibility and works great for us. Done.

DS6 was in private Montessori last year. At that time I got some negative comments about him not being in public school. People often don't like if you make a decision which is different from theirs. They sometimes take it as a message that they must have made the wrong decision themselves.

What a great bunch of posts! I'm new to this forum, but have probably seen some of you around other GT lists.

I'm a well-spoken person, but I always seem to find myself stumbling through my answer to that inevitable question of why we homeschool, so I appreciate all of these thoughtful responses.

Sometimes I will respond that homeschooling gives my kids an opportunity to explore their passions (like science and music) in ways that they wouldn't have time to do at school. It probably still comes off sounding "different" or elitist in some way, but maybe less offensive than saying they're gifted.

Part of me just wants to tell it like it is -- fact is, we ARE different, we DON'T fit in, and we probably AREN'T going to, no matter how I answer that question.

Lisa (Mom to DS9 and DS7)

I think this pin points a lot of tension and angst in these conversations. In general, when someone asks, what they really want to hear something that isn't contrary to their own choice. I do my best to explain our decision as being solely about US. And not the school, etc. There are those cases (in the grocery store, etc) where you really don't care what people think. I do come across needing a better explanation why we're homeschooling pretty frequently though.

This is what I thought! My husband recommends talking about how hard it is instead. That way, people don't have to feel bad about not homeschooling themselves in case they have a hang up about that.

For example, one lady told me that her kid (who went to the same school that DS6 went to) had a stomachache daily and nightmares every night for a year because of a mean teacher. Naturally, she'll feel bad to know that I would never put up with that. Then, I know another lady with a ticcy-hyper who thinks hs is "too hard". She might get upset to find out that hs is hard but I'm willing to do it.

Funny thing is I recently read that folks who are gifted have trouble understanding other people's insecurities. Perhaps this is a case in point.

Yes, giftedticcyhyper...I will sometimes play the "it's so hard" card...and generally people say "Oh that must be so hard, I know I couldn't do it."

I don't homeschool because we have a great school. I offer nothing but respect for those of you who do it.

Slightly OT here, but I think a message does need to come out: our school system sucks overall, and is especially bad for gifted kids. It's also quite bad for the other kids in the upper quarter of the class, who aren't getting the education they need, either.

I'm tired of having to be PC about saying how wonderful our schools are and then making up a plain vanilla excuse for why our kids don't go to public schools. I would love to send my kids to public school, but I can't! We make huge financial sacrifices for private school because the system sucks!

I've spoken to principals who've told me that they're "anti-grade-skip on principle" and then proceeded to accuse me of forcing my kids to just study and never play. All this without having even seen them once. How come they can be so rude and yet everyone else has to talk about how wonderful they are? Can I say this again? The system sucks!

Sure, lots of teachers are great and work hard, but the overall system sucks!

In my state at least (CA), we have these major problems:

* Too many "minimum days": Many or all districts have early dismissal every Wednesday, plus public school dismissal on the other days is usually a full hour earlier than private school dismissal (same start times).

The upshot is that kids in private schools get an extra six hours per week. This leaves time for science, art, dance, music, etc.

* A watered-down curriculum. There's a big emphasis standardized tests. So, for example, lots of memorizing of "math facts." This means that a huge portion of the day is spent on language arts-type subjects (reading, etc) and math. Plus, the K-6 science books are 10 years out of date.

*Huge mismanagement of financial resources. This state spends $45 billion per year on schools and yet they always want more.

* Too much anti-giftedness. No explanation needed.

Sorry, but I feel exactly like the parents of kids with disabilities felt 25 years ago when they started shouting "What's the school going to do for my kid???"

!

Val

I agree to a large extent our schools have a long way to go. I would love for my kids to be in public school full-time, if it would work. Our Superintendant is in the dark ages when it comes to his teaching model. Hopefully it will begin to improve more with our new Director of Curriuclum. There aren't any private school within a half-hour of us that are any better.

It's sad that with NCLB we are failing as a nation. Last I saw in reading "U.S. students posted a lower average score than students in Russia, Hong Kong, Singapore, Luxembourg, Hungary, Italy and Sweden, along with the Canadian provinces of Alberta, British Columbia and Ontario". We don't want to discuss math.

Sadly my DH and I "lost" what we considered dear friends over this when we decided to partially enroll and homeschool. They can't understand why our public school isn't "good enough" for our kids. No matter how I tried to emphasize that this is what's right for OUR children, and to avoid discussing schooling in general whenever possible it was a topic that they couldn't overcome. I now try to avoid being asked the question whenever possible.

I meet with our Director of Curriculum twice a year to discuss my children and to see if there are any changes in policies or programs that they might benefit from. Maybe some day soon we will see some.

My husband sometimes comes home with questions for my son that his public schooled and college educated employees didn't know the answers to and somehow our son usually knows the answers. Today he asked our son some math questions even though I told him that we didn't focus on math this year and he might not know them. It was just pre-algebra, simple equations that my husband used as a fun way to give the employees a code they needed to open the door or something. Only a few of the employees got the right answers and those that did thought it was fun, but most of the employees couldn't remember how to do them. My son got the right answers without any problem even though math is not his favorite subject and he spends very little time on math.

So this is what I think about when people ask me why I homeschool but I would never say it. I usually just tell them that he started out in public school and we were told by teachers and the principal that we needed to homeschool.

But it was a little uncomfortable trying to explain to the parent of one of my son's gifted older friends why we homeschool. This parent thinks the school is a good one and he said they never had any problems. The one hour a week pull out was fine for his son. Nobody told them they needed to homeschool.

One of my sisters-in-law, a college professor, never said anything about our homeschooling but I feel uncomfortable just imagining what she is thinking. I do not have the education she has, I can't answer those "why" questions in math (but maybe that is a good thing--he learned to find answers on his own) and I don't sound as smart as my 11 year old son when I speak and I am supposed to be teaching him.

I wish we could do part time public school so my son could be around other kids but we don't have that option here. I would love for him to be able to do band and drama.

I have a friend who buys thread for her knitting and needlework. When she runs out, she buys more, even while in the middle of a project. And manufacturers are not always spot on.

Those of us who can discern the difference between the colors safflower and daffodil cannot explain to her that yellow is not yellow. Like her, most people cannot discern the fine color differences even within dyes but between batches.

To look at her work is to be stunned by its artisanship, but its chromatic cacaphony is painful to look at.

How do you give the blind sight?

You mostly can't.

But that's not the problem, I think. The problem is when we allow blind people to believe they're sighted!

Val

Another Californian here, Val, so I know whatcha mean! And, it IS terrible for gifted kids. One psych flat out told me that gifties are more likely to get an appropriate education in a poor neighborhood public school than a wealthy one. The schools that are in "high SES areas" want to believe that they are already operating at a very high level. When I say that my son needed more challenge, the pat response is, "but you live in a high SES area. The school should be good." What a non-starter! I mean, what exactly does that mean? What my son's peers are working on is irrelevant to what he needs as an individual. If he were slow, would we say, "but you live in a high SES area. The school should be good." I just cannot make sense from that.

It's not really the school's fault, though. It's public opinion. I honestly got the feeling that the school might have been willing to accommodate if I had offered proof for them that he should be given harder work. The real issue was the other parents. I knew that if I got any more treatment, anything better, the other parents would be furious and we would become pariahs. And, if the work still wasn't appropriate, it would mean month after month of meetings and me feeling like I was asking for too much. The other parents would feel like I was asking for too much. Frankly, I've totally given up on California publics, in terms of education. All the kids that I went to high school with that are doctors and scientists now were home-schooled. They were enrolled in high school just to socialize, date and to cover for the truth: they were home-schooled.

Oh, and I have had the exact same responses! People tell me that I work my kid too hard. He should be having fun. Blah blah blah. They don't understand my kid! Some people are just more intellectually inclined. Spice of life, People! I mean, o.k., the other day, we were at the park and my son said, "I'm so frustrated that I can't swing by myself. I wish I didn't need to be pushed." I broke the process down and gave him instructions, right? He was happy. I looked up and other parents were scowling at me. One dad said, "Geez, just let go and let the magic happen. It's all about fun." Well, no, actually. He's six years old and embarrassed that he can't swing independently. That's not fun. True self esteem comes from mastery. That's what my son wanted and the look of pride and joy on his face as he began to master the swing was what I really call fun!

I wish the schools could understand that. When my kids start to shut down if something gets difficult, I encourage them to keep trying and remind them about how good they'll feel when they finally do it. And they always get so excited when they accomplish something they thought was "too hard!"

Val

I think the negative responses from others has to do with lack of knowledge, combined with some very bad examples of homeschooling, and little exposure to children that are homeschooled. I have to say that I knew little about homeschooling, and the few examples of children that I knew that were homeschooled (even some in my family) were not so good. Maybe it is the way things were done, maybe the socialization wasn't as good as it should be, but whatever the case it lead to some negative outcomes socially. I am sure public school can lead to negative outcomes as well, just a larger sample so harder to pinpoint. I have heard of some great things that homeschoolers are doing. But I have also heard of parents that pull their kids out of school and say they are homeschooling but don't (I have had parents with mental health issues that pull kids out and no one can keep any tabs on these children). Being a school social worker, that is quite concerning. I have also had parents that say they are homeschooling and don't do it...and kids start failing and then parents stick them back in public school and they are quite behind. After being more educated on it, for some kids I think it is a great option, but it has to be a good fit for parents and for kids. That is too bad that when you say it you get an immediate reaction like that. I wish people were more open minded.

My homeschooled son went with his dad and me to a reunion of a small group of Vietnam vets who had worked as linguists or had done jobs like crypto analysis or signals intelligence. We saw pictures of some of these men when they were young and some of them looked like geeky nonconformists. My husband said they got away with some things that other soldiers couldn't so they had some interesting stories to tell.

Several of the wives told me they thought homeschooling was a good thing and one of them told me she wished she could have homeschooled her children. When we went on a trolley tour and stopped at a local museum, some of them took time to point out interesting things to him and he felt comfortable enough with them that he left me to talk to some other members of the group. I guess he found them more interesting because he left me and his dad behind. They want us to bring him with us when they have their next reunion. One of guys wants my son to do a report over what he learned on this trip and send him a copy of it.

That's great! What a compliment. I definitely think that homeschooling is a really good fit for some kids. That's great that you can do it.