Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments homeschooling responses

<shrug> It works for me, Dottie. In fairness to me, you haven't heard me do it...

A lot of it is about the delivery. It's inclusive of the person I'm talking to, not exclusive. And it's important that I don't quit at saying that he's bright--which I agree would be problematic--but I go on with the not fitting and the behavior issues, and staying positive about school. It allows PLENTY Of room for bright kids who DO fit.

The benefit is that my approach avoids the dreaded word "gifted" that gives some people such fits, but doesn't make me feel dishonest or leave people with the (wrong!) impression that DS is a bad seed, which leaving the GTness out entirely tends to do. (I know because my mom did that and people kept asking about her "problem grandchild." He's NOT that AT ALL! She has since added the "bright" part and has had much better luck.)

And the fact is that most people don't really care all that much why we're not in school--they just want to know that we're not defective and that we don't think that school is. We're not and we don't.

As I said, if I get to explain why we're not in public school, things go well. Honest! I wouldn't post in a thread like this something that doesn't work for me! I guess I am a bit offended about that.

For the record, when I have chosen to take that tack--and I don't always because it isn't always appropriate in context--there has never been a problem. Not once! Some of those people are now dear friends who have kids in public school!

We're in a very homeschool-friendly community and the few negative responses we've had have all been from parents of my daughter's former classmates. My sense is they feel like we've opted out--and that by doing so we're leaving them to fix school problems on their own. Public schools are a source of such anxiety in some communities, and reflect so many race/ethnicity/class issues that the decision to HS can seem like abandonment of the schools and communities. To try and counter this we've stayed involved with education issues at the school board level, but it's a largely futile (I fear) effort, given the layers of bureaucracy.

The other thing I'd keep in mind in these conversations is that your first responsibility is to your child and that really random strangers (or even friends) and what they think matters a lot less. So, whatever you say, think about if you want your kid to hear it over and over again. I would prefer my child not hear public school is the problem or that there is something wrong/different/weird about him that makes it so it won't work. I'd rather just focus on how we are so happy with what we've got.

Yes I agree passthepotatoes...I've tried to be very careful in addressing the HS question. I tend to get questions at the grocery store where most are in a hurry anyway so I can make a quick getaway. I find it odd everyone always wants to know why DS isn't in school as in "Why aren't you in school, are you sick?" I don't want him to hear a lot of negative talk from me either about himself or about school so I usually just state that he's HS'd and end the conversation there. In one conversation, in not trying to bring up the lack of challenge issues, she thought DS was a slow learner I think b/c I said he learns differnetly. I think, I"m not certain, that "learns differently" is code for slow learner. I think a couple of people have thought that and I just leave it at that ... I don't really care what they think. If someone persists in asking questions, I just state that DS was very unhappy in school such that he was having a lot of physical issues (stomach aches, headaches).

It's funny though how many people once they get past it, comment, "Well that's great. HS'd kids learn so much better and faster than PS'd kids." And these are people who have kids in the PS!

Yes, I usually avoid the casual questions from random people. That's not worth the time. Agreed.

It's the people we'd like to have playdates with or we'll see at soccer every week that I will sometimes take the time to explain to. I do feel they might need an explanation if we want friendships to develop. I think that's reasonable. If nothing else, they want to know if we have anything in common, right? If we're crazy school-haters, it might not be a good match...

Saying "it wasn't a good fit"--especially with a shrug--places blame neither on my child nor the school. It just is what it is, you know? And truly, that's how I feel. We live in great school system for a lot of kids. Just not my older one. <shrug> I'm hoping it will be a good fit for my younger...

Adding at the end "...And things are working really well for us now!" helps, too! All about the positive.

I think this is true. I've had people insinuate or assume DS is ADHD, LD, etc when we weren't more specific. Although, lately DS has gone very public with his language skills. And not necessarily in a good way. But on the other hand, I've had a few random people approach me and say "I see why X school wasn't a good fit for him".

I also agree that being upbeat and presenting it as a family decision that works on many levels is good too. Choosing to homeschool is really a lifestyle choice that goes beyond selecting a school. And although it is a choice we've made for now, it's definitely not for everyone. No solution is perfect. We have lots of additional reasons that make it work for us too - flexible travel, ability to pursue more extra curricular, etc. I don't see our choice to homeschool as any better or worse than anyone else's decision. Some days I'm jealous of people who have HG+ kids that can make it work in public school.

PassThePotatoes - great approach and I totally agree.

We live in an area where homeschooling is extremely common (both secular and religious) and no one even gives it a second thought. I've only had 1 negative reaction and it was from my cousin, she said, after I had told her the heartache we'd gone through with the school and the huge fight I'd put up to force them to accommodate DS, "I just don't think you've thought this through". Anyone who knows me, knows that thoughtlessness is not my problem, lol. I was still so angry with the school, that I was in no mood to entertain uneducated second-guessing.

With one year of homeschooling about under the belt, it is funny how people react when they hear that we are doing that. My family is 100% accepting and they were the ones that suggested it in the first place. My husband's family just doesn't get it and think we are scarring him for life. We have found with the local homeschool group here that most of the moms are very outspoken on their homeschool opinions and the group is pretty much divided into 3 groups...the ones that are extremely religious, the ones that are radical and don't want anything to do with the census and would prefer to live in a commune with other HS families or the families whose kids weren't getting their needs met and had no other option. The only super negative (other than my inlaws) was from DS6's speech teacher at the local elementary school. He goes in to see her once a week for his IEP and she is adament about how homeschooling is not good for any kid and that at some point in their lives they must learn to fit in the box in order to be accepted in society. Which I STILL don't get!!!
I just tell people who ask that we chose to do it because it was the best fit for a child who was very unhappy in public school.

I too had the worst conversation early on. I too was insecure about our decision and felt the need to explain myself. It was last summer before we even started hs. The surprising thing was that the other person herself hinted hs 10 months earlier when I wasn't ready to even entertain such an idea. She even saw DS6 in action so to speak. It turned into really nasty discussion and I think it wasn't only about me being insecure. KWIM?

Now I don't really feel the need to explain. I just say we hs and I say it with a big smile. Period. If asked for more I explain what we do emphasizing all the social contacts DS has. Then I add that it gives us lots of flexibility and works great for us. Done.

DS6 was in private Montessori last year. At that time I got some negative comments about him not being in public school. People often don't like if you make a decision which is different from theirs. They sometimes take it as a message that they must have made the wrong decision themselves.

What a great bunch of posts! I'm new to this forum, but have probably seen some of you around other GT lists.

I'm a well-spoken person, but I always seem to find myself stumbling through my answer to that inevitable question of why we homeschool, so I appreciate all of these thoughtful responses.

Sometimes I will respond that homeschooling gives my kids an opportunity to explore their passions (like science and music) in ways that they wouldn't have time to do at school. It probably still comes off sounding "different" or elitist in some way, but maybe less offensive than saying they're gifted.

Part of me just wants to tell it like it is -- fact is, we ARE different, we DON'T fit in, and we probably AREN'T going to, no matter how I answer that question.

Lisa (Mom to DS9 and DS7)