Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school our daughter is quickly become the worst behaved..

Our daughter is 2.5 and just one short month ago she was relatively well behaved. She loved participating in circle time at kindergym, she was the best little ballet dancer and did exactly what was asked of her, and she listened to dh and me most of the time.

Well, what on earth is going on? She is by far the wrost behaved child at kindergym, and she refuses to do ANYTHING (except the odd lovely tantrum) at dance class. She used to love singing the circle time songs and doing the actions...she was easily the most engaged child in the group, now she wants nothing to do with it. Not only will she not sing/dance etc, but she yells "no, I don't want to do it!" and runs right through the cirle/dance class and out the other end of the room untilshe gets to the door where she stands yelling until I let her out.

I am embarassed, tired, and worried. If this is the terrible two's, why is it only my child going through it, and if it is more than the terrible two's then what is it?

Sounds just like normal terrible twos to me! No idea why it seems to you that your daughter is the only one going through it - I remember the kind of thing you describe being very usual among children that age when I had one. I have the impression that sometimes the children who have been most compliant are the same who do the most extreme non-compliance in other phases - maybe they just suddenly realise they can! Hopefully it won't last very long. I'd suggest lots of comfort (because that much emotion is scary to her), lots of choices where you can reasonably offer choices, and firm, reassuring boundaries concerning the things where you can't offer choices. This too shall pass...

Sounds normal to me too. I have one of those. He will turn 3 next month. He was the easiest baby on the planet - seriously low-maintenance. Happy all the time. He was so easy that we lulled ourselves into having a fifth child afterward.

He's still a very smiley guy, but he has his moments. He's been in a montessori toddler program all school year and does not participate in circle time. If I try to sing, even to the baby, he says "turn it off!!" (LOL ok I know my singing stinks but...) More recently, once in a while at school he will sing, but off to the side, not in the circle.

He came with me to his big brothers' birthday celebrations at their montessori K. For one, he was willing to sit in circle time though he wasn't pleased with the brief singing that occurred at one point. For the other one, the next day, they happened to be singing some random song about the month when we arrived, and he completely freaked out, huge enormous tantrum, wouldn't even enter the room (this was for one of his two possible teachers for next year when he starts preschool there - I don't think she wants him now LOL). This tantrum was so huge that it lasted till we got home and he had so lost all control of himself that he stripped down naked and tried to go outside (this was a couple months ago - it was cold!). I've seen some big tantrums in my time, but that one took the cake. Running upstairs, slamming doors, trying again to go outside naked...

Honestly I think it's a normal developmental phase. All three of his older sibs had issues at this age (two with SPD, and the one who didn't have SPD had head-banging tantrums at this age from frustration over not being able to speak). I'm just glad he's not as whiney as they were (are?).

Whenever we're at home, I try to let it burn itself out. I know, not possible in public.

I think it's not unusual to have these experiences even with three year olds. (as in, some kids don't have the terrible twos so much as the terrible threes.) So brace yourself I too long for the return of my one compliant child. I had been tempted to sign him up for swim classes this summer, but they require separation - based on how he's been lately, I'm afraid to even try... he's now more aware of things that make him scared.

We all have heard about the terrible twos but many a friend of mine with older kids smile and say "terrible twos are nothing, just wait for the fours". ???? I still don't know if that is some evil joke for the new time parents or there is truth in it. For the most part my 2 1/2 year old doesn't have tantrums at least that has been my stand up until very recently, but she was sick and had to be on antibiotics and Benadryl and I know Bendadryl doesn't make her sleepy but rather hyper so we will see if I have come face to face with the tantrums or it is a side effect of meds. I have noticed she has become quite the negotiator here lately and that takes away the tantrums as long as I am willing to play her game. It doesn't mean she wins but she gets to voice her wants and argue it.

What I have told a lot of people that bring up the tantrums is to look hard at your child and your way of handling the everyday with them. Is she trying to assert more independence? Maybe stuff that you are in the habit of doing such as fixing her snacks, dressing her, etc are things that she is trying to assert herself with. Take the time and let her try.. it means you get slowed down but the excitement she gets for accomplishing the tasks really gives her a boost. Also try to give her choices but stay firm. I usually give DD one choice she will like and one she doesn't like and if she chooses the wrong one I stand firm with that decision. Such as when we are in the store and she wants to walk and not get in the cart. We always talk about expectations and if she doesn't meet those she will have to ride in the cart. If and when she does act out she is given the choice ... follow the expectations or ride in the cart. If she doesn't follow the rules after that warning she gets placed in the cart. Sure I have a tantrum at first but a few times of this and she knows I mean business and if she ends up in the cart she tells me that she didn't follow the rules and accepts the consequences. But for the most part she minds in the store and we hardly ever have to resort in placing her in the cart.

We have the same cart rules, about half the time dd (3 today!) ends up in the cart, but giving her some leaway at the start helps her see it as fair...well somewhat fair. One real battle area has been dressing, but I've de-tagged all the clothes, offer a few choices and give more time so she gets to do it all herself. I remember ds as more tantrum prone, but probably I have learned a lot from his two's!

My dd was nicknamed "Hurricane -----" by her Kindermusic Teacher at that age. I decided that she was tired of it and that it was really not fun for her any more and we stopped going. I chalk it up to bordem. Time to maybe find something new?

my dear sweet dd3 shoved her blanket in the toilet at school a few weeks ago... **shakes head**

for her it's an attention issue. it's so hard to balance that between kids, even with "scheduled" times.

i suggest really start taking things away and create incentives (simple ones, like reading an extra book at night before bed).

good luck!

It sounds like a 2 year old to me. I have to say, I do know that temperaments are different and some are quite behaved...but not everyone will comply with the cookie cutter approach, especially at that age. We put my DS in a program at 3 (just 4 hours a week) and it was awful. Most of the other kids did well, and most did okay during free play, but organized activities at 2/3? Come on. I work with 4 and 5 year olds. at that age, they start to get it, but before them many of them don't . It's not that they are incapable, just don't desire it. I mentioned this before but when my DS was 3 he loved to run in circles during circle time and give the wrong answers to questions because he thought that was funny. DS is now almost 5 and while he is not a perfect angel, he is a great kid and behaves wonderfully in environments where there is structure and limits. But I do remember that period of "what am I going to do with him?" I still have that with academics now...but not with behavior so much thankfully.

Ugh, my ds was the same way at 2.5/3yo... I kept trying to enroll him in classes for his age (swimming, gymnastics, etc) and it was awful. He was always the *only* child who wouldn't follow along. He'd either be writhing in the ground or scared of the other kids or running off in the other direction.

In the end, I decided that we were doing the classes for him, not me, and if I had to fight with him to participate, it wasn't worth it -- classes just stressed both of us out. I found he had a lot more fun with regular but unscheduled outdoor play, trips to the McDonalds indoor playland, things like that. At that age, he just didn't have the maturity needed for structured classes, so we stopped trying! I was bummed, but I can't say he was disappointed.

It may be that your dd is exerting her independence, and if classes are turning into battles then you may want to just drop the classes until she's more ready. You can't *make* her sing or dance, obviously, and she probably knows it!

(And at our house, the 4s were *definitely* worse than the 2s.)

oneisenough - how disheartening to witness the change. I hope it's just your DD's time to dabble with exerting her independence and, to borrow loosely from Brazelton, freak out about new, convoluted emotions she's not fully equipped to handle. "Tht terrific twos" as we are now saying around here. Are you considering dropping the class? Do you feel embarrassed? (I hope not! It sounds normal.)

snowgirl - sorry to read about your DS's tantrum. I witnessed a humongous tantrum on the part of my cousin's DS2 that also lasted a long time and included much thrashing. Ultimately, he fell asleep, but my eyes were opened. I don't use the term tantrum for everyday conflicts - just for the big melt downs.

DD2.5 has not had any real tantrums yet, but she's been non-compliant her entire life. Does that count? lol (Come to think of it, she definitely had tantrums as a newborn - people came running a few times.)