Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Fears of skipping grades

I know this came from an earlier post...I may have mistyped. She has about 75 kids in her grade alone. The entire school has 575 kids and its K through 6th grade.

Since she just got into GT and the fact that her teacher has started giving her some supplemental work to do at home, I think we'll wait and see how things go. She does seem very happy and so far has not talked of being bored so there's no plans to rock the boat...yet! I'll follow her lead. Thanks for the advice!

I think that was one of the big problems with my skip--no one followed my lead. I was happy with my class. The school was worried because I was so far ahead and that they would not be able to accomadate me (I think I may have had a pretty rigid teacher who wanted all her kids on the same page!). Anyway, I was asked if I wanted to skip after the decision was made and I agreed because I thought it sounded cool--it made me feel smart. Within a few weeks I regretted it (as soon as I had gotten up to the top of my new class) but it would have been too embarrassing to go back down. I was in a small town where everyone knew everyone and my skip was the "talk of the town."

So I suspect the skip was handled pretty sloppily. I don't oppose skipping in general, but I think it is good to think them through carefully and not just do them because you can (not that I am suggesting that that is what anyone here is doing). If DS ever was having problems that I thought a skip would solve I would consider one. He is just so happy and loyal to his class, and the school has been great about subject acceleration, it really hasn't been a problem.

After reading this thread, I am feeling even more strongly that perhaps we should try early entrance to first grade for our DS4 (almost 5). Depending on what kind of testing results we get, maybe even pursue second grade. Any advice? I think this situation is a little different because we are starting out with an awareness of his abilities before he is even eligible for elementary school.

How much is too much to skip for a child who hasn't even been to kindergarten?

We are considering early entrance mainly because we HAVE seen signs of withdrawal, boredom, disinterest, and a general unhappiness in school. Last year, DS was the youngest in a three year class of 3/4/5 yr. olds. It worked beautifully. This year is not working at all(as several of you have read in another thread.) He will say things like, "It's too hard. I'm too little. I can't do that. I'm only four." Then we sit down and read a book together at least on a first or second grade level. He has lost the "spark." I have a significant fear that if we do not find an appropriate environment, the snowball will just continue to grow.

Granted, this is just preschool we are talking about. But if DS is truly a Ruf Level 4, give or take a little, then I'd rather start the skipping process early and get it over with for now. Of course, that's how I feel about this coming school year. High school?! OH MY GOSH. I'm glad we have awhile to wait.

This forum is so fabulous. I am eternally grateful to have found such a group.

Allison

Although we are not skipping our son, now that he is in middle school, he has a lot of freedom in the classes he is taking. So he is subject accelerated 3 years in math. As the number of subjects he is accelerated in increases, he will be, de facto, accelerated. Rather than officially skip, I have figured that when he gets way ahead that he can take a year off. We have spoken of living abroad for a year or having him do an foreign exchange program or live near relatives who run a family business, giving DS a chance to apprentice in the business. He is excited about all those possibilities.

[quote=Dottie
But halfway into 1st I realized we were only just getting started!

[/quote]

Oh...I'm smiling...just hoping that I can wrap my brain around all that is happening so quickly. I know you are right. Maybe I'm in a warm and fuzzy state of denial right now. It seems that maybe I've been in this "well, what we're doing seems to be working" state of denial for about 1.5 years now! But it IS really exciting to think about what the future may hold. I'm sure the journey will be an interesting one, whatever happens.

My husband and I had a long discussion last night about skipping, what I'm finding the research shows, etc.

He has some significant concerns. He agrees that we need to really watch DS to make sure his little "spark" returns (as far as school is concerned, anyway. I must stress what a joyful and confident child he is when he's not at school). He acknowledges that early entrance/skipping may be something we need to seriously consider.

But then he started talking about how it feels (or maybe how it felt for him) to be a little boy at school who, perhaps, isn't as big as the other kids. He's very worried that he'll always be chosen last for the kickball teams, or that he'll always be left out/made fun of, etc. for being smaller than the others. (Assuming he will be smaller, heehee, if we let him skip.) He made a really big deal of it all. Of course I've considered these things. But I also think it's important to teach DS that he IS different, and that it is OKAY. I must stress that we are NOT parents who will push our son into any specific sport/club/interest. We believe it is important to provide him with opportunities, if he desires, and we will help to foster any passion or even remote interest in a wide variety of topics. DS is already small for his age. He was a premie and hasn't "caught up" yet. He might not catch up to be an "average" size at all. So this just adds to my husband's concerns. His point is this: if DS is hanging his head all day because of how he feels about being left out/too small/too different...can he really focus on the academic material, anyway?

*sigh*

This is all very complicated. We might be thinking way too far ahead.

How do you balance these very real social issues with the desire to keep your kid interested in learning by skipping?

And I always like to point out that an unhappy, bored, frustrated kid isn't likely to make friends easily or get picked early for kickball teams either. Finding a "good enough" educational solution often makes the social thing work out, simply because the kid feels happier.

Steering him toward sports like baseball (as you're doing) or soccer where size isn't as much of an issue is probably smart. If he's likely to be small regardless of grade, he's probably not going to be playing football or basketball anyway, so skipping him may not matter as much as you fear it might.

Beyond that, our biggest reason--rightly or wrongly--for not sticking with the public school and pushing for multiple grade skips is sports. I'd rather find other ways to help our DS to get what he needs at this point, since sports matter to him. So I know where you're coming from.

It's all so much to think about, isn't it!? Sometimes I feel like my head will explode! We do the best we can, and remember that you could always de-accelerate (decelerate? deccelerate? How's that spelled?) him if you need to. Kids are adaptable. And thank heaven for that!

Acs,
That sounds wonderful! In many ways subject accelerations are preferable to full grade skips, and lots of kids need both. Gap year plans are wonderful too.
Smiles,
Trinity

Hi Allison,

DHs can have great insight into the social scene for boys. I learned from my DH that there is a pecking order, and size and skills do matter. ((Think Napoleon Dynamite: "Girls like boys with Skills.))

I'm guessing that you come from a part of the country where sports competitions matter, and when that happens you will get plenty of red-shirting for sports, in other words - if he's little compared to his age peers, you are kind of off the hook asking for skips, because he's going to have his size as a strike against him even if you hold him back.

Individual sports, age grouped sports, and marital arts are all ways to give boys status and moxie, which will never fully the place of size, but will certianly help. We live in a totally unfair society, that judges men on size, particularly in the early years (Later income eclipses size, yes?) But a child who is at peace with themselves, has the love of his parents, has reasonable social skills, and some academic skills, and maybe a great imagination, or enclyclopedic knowledge of boy-esoterica, can find a way to find a comfortable place in the pecking order.

In a way, a small grade-skipped kid is better off that a small ungradeskipped kid. I don't really think that the size stigma is dose-dependent, and older boys find a brainy shrimp who pays them homage more palatable than a hulking grade-skipped brainiac who challenges their status. A small unskipped kid is just small, unless he's fast, or especially good at something. Dottie's kid is third born and knows how to not rock the boat of older, higher status kids, but my tall, loud, only child wants to lead, thinks that all should agree. He does better socially with boys who are 2-3 years older and more self-confident than he does with boys who are 1-1.5 years older, and less secure.

Ask you DH lots and lots about his own experiences as a small, medium and large boy. I have found a whole, previously uninteresting world of status while looking through my DS's eyes. It reminds me a bit of the joke about how the President must be popular with many many people, while the Vice-President must only be popular with one (the President.) As far as social rank went, I only was concerned with the few friends of my heart, or the current boyfriend, while my DH grew up trying to please everyone.

For me growing up, being overly concerned with status was a luxury that I just couldn't afford.

I hope this helps. My hunch is that your son has already shown that he is quite sensitive to being educationally malnourished.

Love and More Love,
Trinity

As a grade-skipped child and a parent who is now contemplating grade-skipping a child, I can honestly say that this is never an easy decision!

My own grade skip was the best thing that could have happened to me. I was in a first/second grade split class for first grade, and was doing all the second grade work. I moved to second grade -- and after a week they realized I needed something more. I was moved up to third grade and did fine there -- made friends, no problems. It may have been easier for me because many of the third graders were familiar with me from my first/second split class.

I never had any problems with being the "younger kid." No, I didn't drive until my junior year was almost over -- people came and picked me up! I started dating at 14/almost 15, which was right for me. I wasn't teased for being young (I was teased for other things, like most children are at some point!). I couldn't drink (legally) until my senior year of college was almost over (March birthday). Of course, I'm a girl, and some people think feel that sex makes a difference in the decision to grade skip.

Which brings me to my own ds ... 5 years old and newly identified PG. The psychologist who did his testing (experienced with gifted children) recommended that we do a grade skip now with further acceleration in reading and math.

When I look at the "social issues" for boys ... I'm not that impressed. I think being teased has less to do with size or sports ability than it does to do with personality and vulnerability -- issues that would likely be there if the child were grade skipped or not. I know plenty of tiny adult men who were *not* teased as children. And plenty of normal-sized adult men who *were*. It seems to have more to do with confidence and humor and general personality and a whole host of other issues; being small just give the bully an easy in. This is such a personal issue that I think it is reckless to say, "Smaller boys will get teased in school; therefore, I will not skip my child." And this is an issue to me; I am 5'3" and ds's dad is 5'7", so our ds will not be big in his group whether we skip him or not.

For sports, there are plenty of sports options outside of school. There are tons of private club sports out there. My ex-h played on a selective soccer team right through high school, choosing to play with this select team over joining his school team (he'd have been a shoo-in).

My two cents as a newbie. :-)

Welcome Mia,

I smiled when I read what you wrote about teasing being more about personality and vulnerability than size. I think this is so true. The son of my good friend is the tallest in his grade (probably even the next grade, too) and seems to get teased all the time. I think it's because clearly teasing gets to him, and then it's a domino effect.

My son, who is a year or two behind his classmates in age, hasn't had the adolescent growth spurt yet (he's shorter and thinner than the others), but exudes confidence. I've seen him get teased, his face expressionless, and then he moves on down the hall--almost as though he has just tolerated an "inferior human interaction". The teaser soon finds it's no fun to tease him.