Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Talking with other moms

mjb... you bring up some great questions and ones I am trying to figure out with just a toddler. Hope I have it down when she starts school. LOL I have three categories: family, friends, and 'the moms'. And even in those categories you have to consider the audience. I have my really close friend that has an older daughter that is HG+ so I can talk openly with her and she is a great sounding board. Then I have my friends that play the 'One Up' game which is so annoying. Immediate family is fine but when you get into the extended family I just don't say all that much b/c competition is riding under the surface. And then you get to 'the mom' category which you are talking about and I find it is easiest just to keep my mouth shut. If they notice something I play dumb or blow it off or redirect the question back to their child. So I am sure when school starts I am really going to have to rethink my method. It really is a no win battle. If you do go into details in a hopes to educate them you will sound like the pushest mom and be the topic of their conversations. If you ignore the questions and be vague then you clearly think your child is so much better then everyone else's kid. I wish there was a magic phrase that takes care of it all but it just depends on the situation and who you are talking with. Chances are the mom that starts the conversation assumed their kid was the most advanced child and had a rude wake up when your kid entered the picture so you are probably dealing with a 'One Up' individual and no matter what you say it won't win them over. [sigh] It never is easy.

Yeah, I redirect a lot, too.

"Yes, my son is a good reader. Now, *your* little angel is so good at X. She's just a delight!"

As long as you say nice things about their child and you don't mention something that is similar to what she said about your child, it usually works out. After all, you can't be bragging if you're saying nice things about her kid!

I don't know that such questions are accusatory or even judgmental - they could just be curious about whether it was nature or nurture that led to one child excelling. I'm sure many parents are wondering if they should have done something differently with their own children and are more on the side of being self critical than being critical of you.

Can you tell I give people the benefit of the doubt? lol

LOL ... Nice spin seablue but one I just can't buy into. Wish I could. Be a lot easier to handle the comments.

I have to say that I agree with this. In my experience, most of the time people say things like "you must have worked with him at home" or "well, look at his mom." or whatever, they are either not sure about how this process happens and are curious and/or are just uneducated. Clearly there are times where people think that a child can only be that way when they are pushed and flashcards are used. Once someone suggested that I play with my son, LOL. What a novel idea. But not everyone is out to compare and to compete. Many just don't even get what gifted means. I seriously never thought about it until my son was born and I never considered that having a child that was gifted could ever have any downsides or difficulties involved. So I just try to make is short and sweet when I talk with people that don't know much about it. I am good at reading people so if I can tell they are okay then I may say a little more.

When I try this with people I know well, they often don't take my compliments as real because of what my son is doing. It drives me nuts. For the last couple years when a child that I know is doing something advanced or I say how good something is, there mom will be like "well, it's alright but he isn't reading." Or something to that extent. It annoys me to no end because I am not just saying a compliment to make them feel better, I really mean it and they act as if I can't think that things are good about other children. I just don't get it. They know I am not like that at all and that I don't just make stuff up. I would assume it is about their insecurity. Once I commented on my friends daughter and how she was running around and walking well (DS was only 12 months and wasn't yet), and she commented on how her daughter didn't know her ABC's and all that other stuff. So. She is walking well, that's good.

I usually say something like "Meh. <shrug> They all do things at different times. Don't worry: She's not going to go to college without knowing her letters, just like my child isn't going to go to college without walking. I hope!"

Say it with a smile and it diffuses the tension.

What can I say ... 'The grass is greener on the other side.'

My option, if possible, is to blame the school. "Why is your child doing X in school but mine is doing Y?" Me: "Well, they do some kind of tests at school. I don't know the details but if you have questions about your child, I'm sure you can talk to the school." In all honesty, I have no idea why her child isn't doing X too.

Thank you for the replies- it helps to know I am not alone! We have not done any kind of official testing yet, so I don't know if he is even gifted, and it's still hard to deal with some parents questions. What happens when they are officially labeled as such- do the questions just get worse? I guess just keeping answers limited is the best thing to do.