I have a 6 yr old who is in kindergarten. He loves to read and is currently reading at a third grade level. By the second week of school his teacher had identified this and he is being pulled out of class to read with another teacher 4 days a week. One mom found out what level he is on (not from me)and started asking me questions about his ability. I tried to keep my answers limited, but I could see she was defensive about what her child was doing compared to mine. Ugh, how in the world do you talk with other moms when your child is doing advanced work? Any advice from others who have "been there done that" would be appreciated.

thanks

Ugh, I dread this. I love talking with people, but hate that reaction. It's tough because with some people, the more you say the more you seem like you are bragging...and the less you say makes it seem like you don't relate to them and think your child is better. How do you win? I have found a few parents that have gifted children, and then I get all excited because there is another gifted kid in the world...so I say a few things about my son and then they back off, and say something like "wow, well my son is not at all that advanced." Which will make me feel isolated yet again. So I am not quite sure what to say. I generally say a little thing and then wait for a reaction from them. Lately I have just been hearing what they say about their child and then I don't offer much, unless I think it is "safe." I hope to some day talk to a parent that says their child met milestones before mine did. Not sure if it will ever happen in real life but it would seriously be a dream come true. Then we could have a real conversation because I am not defensive at all. And then I could feel comfortable being open about what my son is doing and has been doing forever. And we could share the joy and heartaches of having a child that advanced.

Hi mjb, I'm not the best person to ask as I tend to bury my head in the sand! I just sound very vague or say something like "oh yes, he enjoys reading" and then I try to change the subject as quickly as possible. I also say things like "I've no idea, he doesn't talk about what he does in school very much, you know what boys are like".

As I said I don't think that this is the best approach, I just struggle to deal with it - people must think that I am really out of touch with my son and what he does at school!

Maybe someone else has some good quotes we can use when approached by the endless supply of curious parents?

XX

LOL, sometimes I have said things like "he's a character" or "he's different" But then sometimes people look at me like I am putting my son down. Which is not at all my intent and then makes me feel bad because I am so proud of him. But it seems to work for me at times when I follow up. I think I start like that so it doesn't sound like I am bragging. Such as "well, he has very different interests then other kids his age." or "he isn't really interested in action figures, he is more into computers." But what I say the most (since I am social worker), is that while I am more socially driven...he is more academically driven. I just say that he loves to learn and is very interested in academic type pursuits. I often leave it at that, unless I feel that I should give more information. And that being said, I don't really bring it up...this is only if someone comes over to me and says something like "your son is reading!!" At least he is getting bigger so it is not as awkward when he reads.

I've had some success with something like "Yes, isn't he? I decided I wouldn't teach him to read before he started school, and then he went and taught himself. Just goes to show how little we control about our children, doesn't it?" (True story! I was interested in the "teach your baby to read" idea as I knew my mother had used flashcards a bit with me; I went and read various things on both sides, and decided it was better to leave it entirely up to him, and just fine if he started school not reading at all. Then he was spelling-obsessed by 2.5 :-)

I just ran into this for the first time this weekend at a b-day party. My DD5 was recently skipped to 1st grade. As soon as the kids were out of ear shot the questions started. So was DD bored in kindergarten? me - I think 1st grade is working well for her. You must of worked with her a lot at home? Me.. I just followed her lead on what she wanted to learn. (It's funny there's a girl in my daughters class that sings like an angel and I bet no one asked her mom if she worked with her a lot at home.)

The mom was nice I think I just didn't know what to say without getting into details of what my daughter can do. I didn't want to sound like I was bragging. I'm interested in any tips on what to say as well, I have a feeling I'm going to run into this some more.

I find that the best responses are short and sweet -- "Yep, he's pretty quick!" and move on if at all possible. If they keep at it, I'm honest about the issues. After all, they asked! If they act jealous or say their child could be advanced too, I usually go with, "Oh, then you should ask that he be assessed!", nice and cheery. As it becomes clear that I'm not going to play the competitive game, most people let it rest.

As ds6's new school, all the kids are gifted, but grouped by ability. It's interesting to watch--everyone wants to know what the other kids are doing, but no one wants to ask! It's a self-imposed "don't ask don't tell" policy that works beautifully to quell competition. If only the world were like that!

I agree with Mia, short and sweet. I also agree with the rest of what she said, if a parent is persistent in their questioning, I'm honest. They call it bragging, I call it the truth!

OH I got caught with my pants down on this one. One of the moms in my son's K class found out from her DD that DS was getting sent out for reading. She had asked her DD who was the smartest kid in class and the DD named my son. Well, it was some kind of party and as I walked up, 4 moms were standing at the door. When I walked up, without saying hello, they said "SO what's your son's reading level?" WE had recently gotten report cards and the reading level is stated on the card. I was shocked. I just didn't know what to say as I didn't expect to be ambushed. Luckily, the teacher walked up and invited us to come into the class.

I seriously dreaded this last year when the news leaked that Miss 7 was grade skipping and Miss 4 was trialling a higher grade. What I learned is that most of the uncomfortableness and awkwardness was about ME. Most of the conversations were instigated just out of curiosity. Most mums really didn't want detailed answers and they really weren't that interested in what we were or weren't doing!!! Their questions were easily answered in 25 seconds. While I personally prefer to fly under the radar with most things, I learned that I could easily pass my awkwardness and insecurity onto my daughters. I don't want them to feel weird or uncomfortable about themselves, but there I was literally hiding in a broom closet to avoid a particular set of parents. Grief!!! So it was a big lesson in staying in touch with my authentic self and projecting this onto my daughters. Here's hoping that the lessons have stuck and that I don't find myself hiding tomorrow when we go back to school!!! jojo

mjb... you bring up some great questions and ones I am trying to figure out with just a toddler. Hope I have it down when she starts school. LOL I have three categories: family, friends, and 'the moms'. And even in those categories you have to consider the audience. I have my really close friend that has an older daughter that is HG+ so I can talk openly with her and she is a great sounding board. Then I have my friends that play the 'One Up' game which is so annoying. Immediate family is fine but when you get into the extended family I just don't say all that much b/c competition is riding under the surface. And then you get to 'the mom' category which you are talking about and I find it is easiest just to keep my mouth shut. If they notice something I play dumb or blow it off or redirect the question back to their child. So I am sure when school starts I am really going to have to rethink my method. It really is a no win battle. If you do go into details in a hopes to educate them you will sound like the pushest mom and be the topic of their conversations. If you ignore the questions and be vague then you clearly think your child is so much better then everyone else's kid. I wish there was a magic phrase that takes care of it all but it just depends on the situation and who you are talking with. Chances are the mom that starts the conversation assumed their kid was the most advanced child and had a rude wake up when your kid entered the picture so you are probably dealing with a 'One Up' individual and no matter what you say it won't win them over. [sigh] It never is easy.

Yeah, I redirect a lot, too.

"Yes, my son is a good reader. Now, *your* little angel is so good at X. She's just a delight!"

As long as you say nice things about their child and you don't mention something that is similar to what she said about your child, it usually works out. After all, you can't be bragging if you're saying nice things about her kid!

I don't know that such questions are accusatory or even judgmental - they could just be curious about whether it was nature or nurture that led to one child excelling. I'm sure many parents are wondering if they should have done something differently with their own children and are more on the side of being self critical than being critical of you.

Can you tell I give people the benefit of the doubt? lol

LOL ... Nice spin seablue but one I just can't buy into. Wish I could. Be a lot easier to handle the comments.

I have to say that I agree with this. In my experience, most of the time people say things like "you must have worked with him at home" or "well, look at his mom." or whatever, they are either not sure about how this process happens and are curious and/or are just uneducated. Clearly there are times where people think that a child can only be that way when they are pushed and flashcards are used. Once someone suggested that I play with my son, LOL. What a novel idea. But not everyone is out to compare and to compete. Many just don't even get what gifted means. I seriously never thought about it until my son was born and I never considered that having a child that was gifted could ever have any downsides or difficulties involved. So I just try to make is short and sweet when I talk with people that don't know much about it. I am good at reading people so if I can tell they are okay then I may say a little more.

When I try this with people I know well, they often don't take my compliments as real because of what my son is doing. It drives me nuts. For the last couple years when a child that I know is doing something advanced or I say how good something is, there mom will be like "well, it's alright but he isn't reading." Or something to that extent. It annoys me to no end because I am not just saying a compliment to make them feel better, I really mean it and they act as if I can't think that things are good about other children. I just don't get it. They know I am not like that at all and that I don't just make stuff up. I would assume it is about their insecurity. Once I commented on my friends daughter and how she was running around and walking well (DS was only 12 months and wasn't yet), and she commented on how her daughter didn't know her ABC's and all that other stuff. So. She is walking well, that's good.

I usually say something like "Meh. <shrug> They all do things at different times. Don't worry: She's not going to go to college without knowing her letters, just like my child isn't going to go to college without walking. I hope!"

Say it with a smile and it diffuses the tension.

What can I say ... 'The grass is greener on the other side.'

My option, if possible, is to blame the school. "Why is your child doing X in school but mine is doing Y?" Me: "Well, they do some kind of tests at school. I don't know the details but if you have questions about your child, I'm sure you can talk to the school." In all honesty, I have no idea why her child isn't doing X too.

Thank you for the replies- it helps to know I am not alone! We have not done any kind of official testing yet, so I don't know if he is even gifted, and it's still hard to deal with some parents questions. What happens when they are officially labeled as such- do the questions just get worse? I guess just keeping answers limited is the best thing to do.

Nah -- you don't have to share any sort of label if you don't want to. I'd really try to be upfront, not avoiding questions but not giving any more info than you need to. If they feel like you're "hiding" something, they just push harder because they feel like there's something to "know," kwim?

It's a fine line between being upfront and encouraging competitive feelings. I try to be as matter-of-fact as I can; I find honest-but-brief is usually the way to go. And don't rise to the bait and get defensive! The more confident you are, the better. They smell fear!

My ds goes to private school, so I do get the "Why doesn't he go to public school?" question from casual acquaintances, to which my standard reply is, "He has some special educational needs, and public school wasn't working for him." They usually assume the *other* kind of special ed and don't press the issue! This is only with people I know I won't be dealing with too much ... and if I do end up befriending them or needing to explain further down the road, that intro is usually a good one. When and *if* I end up explaining that the special needs are that he's PG, it usually receives a better reception because I've placed it in the context of special ed and not gone on in a perceived "brag." That usually inspires curiosity and a desire to understand about PG kids.

I go with short and sweet whenever I can... My favorite line is that "I wish I could take credit for it but he just came that way!"

If pressed, I'll admit that he's come from a long LONG line of geeks and then divert the subject to his various relatives with various geeky careers and hobbies -- math teachers, librarians, computer programmers, sys admins, compulsive readers, history nuts, engineers, accountants, etc. The poor kid had no hope of being born anything but a geek and then we went and surrounded him with engineers and statisticians among our friends, and it was all downhill from there....

Now the fact that he's polite I'll take full credit for. LOL!!

Oh, how I can totally relate to this! I often get comments/questions from total strangers (like in the store) because my son (age 5) is a chatterbox and of course talking to him is like talking to a 10 year old (in terms of his comments, observations, etc.) So there's a fine line you walk when the audience who hears your answers to the many questions includes your child. I am proud, but don't want to make too much out of it, so I try to keep it short and sweet (e.g., he loves to read, he's great at math and we're very proud of him, etc.)

I often wonder, would people make comments/ask questions if your child was on the other end of the learning spectrum??

I have learnt a lot from this forum. Someone led me to this in one of my earlier (confused) post.
http://hoagiesgifted.org/hard_won_truths.htm

Now I don't talk abt it at all. Once in awhile, when there is a question on why DS8 is attending higher grade Math, I just reply "They (the teacher/ school) think it's better for him. " and change subject!

Regarding placement I am planning to say this a lot "it's a much better fit for him." People usually don't question anything else...maybe because they are a little unsure about what that means which works for me. DS4 isn't in formal schooling yet, other than a new Montessori program. When a few people have asked him why I moved him I tell them that his last program was great but this program is a better fit for him.

I try hard not to talk to other moms :-) We live in a very competitive area of town full of politicians, lawyers and such. I've been grilled by many a mom who wants to know what type of learning system/flashcards/tutoring program I used. My standard response is "I didn't do anything, he just came this way." Obviously, we all know that we *did* do something- be it reading to them, playing with them, buying them board games or whatever. But I didn't "make" him smart like this! When people have asked why he goes to private school, I tell them it works better with our work schedule. They usually give me a funny look since I'm primarily a stay-at-home mom... but they never ask!

One thing I will caution moms of younger kids on is the standard "yes he can read but he sucks at ____". I was so guilty of this early on! I'd say "Yes he speaks very well but you should see him run, he's so uncoordinated" or something similar. In my attempts to make him seem more normal, he overheard me once and I totally hurt his feelings. Since then, I've heard other moms say it in the compare our kids at the park game.

As for people asking questions of parents with kids on the other end of the spectrum, the answer is YES. People are nosy and rude all around. My best friend's daughter is autistic and people stop us in public all the time. Some are well-meaning and just weird about expressing their sympathy. Others want to know what therapy she uses. The worst are those who read one book somewhere on the topic and want to recommend she try Omega-3s or hyperbaric chambers or something.

I agree. I would never say that my child isn't good at something. I'd just point out what the other child is good at. Even if it's brightening up a room! I love kids like that, so that's not hard to highlight!

CAMom,

I have some questions in regards to the above quote but would take this thread way off topic so may I PM you?

I have a positive post about a comment someone made. When we were checking out at the local store a little lady dropped a handful of change. My DS6 ran over and picked it all up for her right away. She told him to keep the quarter for being such a sweetheart. He told her no way was he taking her money and put it in her purse. He told her she needed the $0.73 more than he did (Yes he glanced at it and knew right away the amount). She was dumbfounded by his response. After she left, the checkout lady came around the counter and asked my son if she could give him a hug. She told him he was born with something special and never let anyone tell him otherwise. Of course this was right after school and he had been ripped apart for his handwriting, so it almost made me cry. Gotta love the ones who get it!

CAMom said:
One thing I will caution moms of younger kids on is the standard "yes he can read but he sucks at ____". I was so guilty of this early on! I'd say "Yes he speaks very well but you should see him run, he's so uncoordinated" or something similar. In my attempts to make him seem more normal, he overheard me once and I totally hurt his feelings. Since then, I've heard other moms say it in the compare our kids at the park game.

>>>>>>>

Yes, I fell into this trap once too. It happens before you know it too! Afterwards, I felt so bad I promised myself never to do that again. It's just not fair to my child. It makes me sad to think that in order to make someone feel better about the situation I have to let them know what my son does not do so well.

Absolutely, I PM'd you already!

Thanks CAMom .. just sent you a PM.

Brought a smile to my face. What a wonderful story and one to cherish.

I am not sure how to deal with this issue either. Every time I get together with other moms the topic turns to DD. I try to come up with appropriate responses but I inevitable botch it up. It seems no matter what I say it is awkward.

I would love to be able to speak openly about my children's lives and interests with other moms. When I was a new mom with my first baby I was excited and enamored just like every new mom and wanted to share every detail of this new life. It was a rude awakening to realize that I could not just share my excitement of my precious little babies new skills with other moms.

Now with baby #3, I just don't say anything. But I am still excited when she dose something new and I think that is part of being a mom and loving your kids. Any parent wants to celebrate their child regardless of where on the spectrum they fall.

I had a hard time with this when my son was in kindergarten. I remember wishing I could talk to other moms about my son, but I quickly found out I couldn't. On my son's first day of kindergarten parents who had brought school supplies were handed a list of instructions on where to put the different items. Instead of reading it myself, I had my son read it out loud and put the items in the appropriate place. One of the reasons I asked him to do it was because the kindergarten teacher, after the kindergarten readiness screening a few months earlier, had determined that he wasn't ready for kindergarten because "he didn't follow directions" and had "verbal overflow." I wanted the teacher to see that he could both read and follow instructions. I didn't realize other parents were watching and that none of the other kids could read more than a few words and that he was the second youngest in the class because redshirting was very common. So from the first day of kindergarten we were asked questions about how he learned to read so well and what his IQ was. I felt very uncomfortable being asked these questions, especially when one of the other moms was a teacher.

The only people I found that I could really talk to were parents of other gifted kids in my son's musical theater class. I could talk to them because their kids were smart and quirky just like mine. My child was just a little more extreme in some ways. Being outside the box seemed to be the norm for the kids who did musical theater so my son fit in well with this group that ranged in age from 4-19.

He never really had any friends his age (except for one gifted friend) because he just didn't fit in with kids his age. When we started homeschooling I didn't have this problem as much, except for the woman at the insurance agency whose kid is the same age as mine who would always ask me what grade level he was at now and when I was going to let him go to college. Homeschoolers with kids close to my son's age didn't want to be around us and he felt shunned by them. Public schooled kids his age thought he was nerdy because he was smart and didn't do sports. His public schooled friends told him he would be bullied because of this. He would beg to stay home instead of going to cub scouts, except when they had races of some kind and Cub Scouts is the only thing he is involved in with kids his age.

Other people just watched or listened to my son when he spoke and usually didn't say anything except they would sometimes tell me he talked like an adult. My son told me yesterday that he often noticed people turning around to look over in his direction, without looking straight at him, whenever he started talking, as if they were trying to see what he looked like without being obvious about it. He was always aware of being "onstage" when he was around other people. As a person with lifelong social anxiety issues this was hard for me to get used to but people watching him didn't bother him as much as the feeling that they didn't accept him because he was not like other kids.

It was such a pleasant surprise yesterday to meet complete strangers who knew what it was like to raise a gifted child. My son and I went to Denny's for the free breakfast that was advertised during the Super Bowl. The line was really long and my son joked about the recession and how we were already standing in food lines. He also talked about how much the Super Bowl commercials cost and wondered how Denny's could afford to pay for the commercial and also offer the free meals and whether this strategy would pay off by getting more people to come back to Denny's instead of going to IHOP. An older, retired couple noticed us and invited us to sit with them and because I was afraid I would be late bringing food back to my parents, I gladly accepted their offer. They told me that their son had learned to read on his own by age 3 and was telling time and counting change before starting kindergarten. The way they described their son sounded so much like mine. They said he went to public school but he was very bored and became the class clown. They said they wished they had homeschooled and thought we were doing the right thing. It was so good to hear of another example of a person who survived gifted childhood to become a successful adult.

So there are BTDT people out there who will notice your child and understand and sometimes you meet them when you least expect it.

In my experience, when someone mentions relatives working in these professions, it is usually safe to talk to them about your child being advanced because there are usually gifted people in their family and they don't think your child is weird because he is grade levels ahead of kids his age.

I'm lucky, I'm the grandma and everyone *expects* grandmas to brag about the grands!

I have learned not to talk about it if at all possible. If pressed I will say the truth but keep it simple and if whoever asked the qeustion feels uncomfortable she should know not to press me again. Sometimes when other moms talk about their kids' achievement, I make general comments but don't say anything specific about my kids. I've met one mom who actually went ahead to "test" my son his reading level (she pulled him aside in the classroom during a party), which was so inappropriate. For these really competitive moms I even had to go out of my way to make sure they don't see what my kid is doing so that their kids don't get too much pressure.

I hear all of you. We just avoid the conversations. Learned the hard way. It never ends well - even with parents of other GT kids it isn't always "safe". Tiny answers low on detail and then just start answering questions with questions about general things like books, characters, how boy and girls, brothers and sisters are different - anything to change the direction. Like that Time Mag cover story from Aug of 07... you know if your kid practices basketball everyday they won't be Michael Jordan but we think we are all equal stepping up for education. Doesn't mean any of these gt kids will "turn out better" or have a "better" or "richer" or more fullfilling life... but even hinting at such differences could get you blacklisted in the hen/mommy crowd (uh is that really a bad thing though ;-).