Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Education decisions for an 8yo boy with Aspergers

Helpful post Pemberley.

It is stark. S1 needs 1:1 support to do a 6-question math worksheet. Might take 30 mins. But then will spend 45 minutes researching and meticulously building a museum exhibition out of paper towel tubes and tape and computer paper about, say, ocean life, including diagrams about life at different depths, food chain, "cutaway views" of example sea life, submersibles used for exploration all with (yes, misspelled, but copious) labels.

Bluntly saying, hey bud, that's great but THIS (worksheet) is what you have to do. I did it. Your dad did it. Your brother does it. School is school. Well, it does not work.

I can weave homework in via his interests, but no way are they going to do this in school. And anyway, isn't this coddling?

Ross Greene is the only thing that is helping me cope as a parent.

But even there, what ARE my child's skills? What IS he capable of? Is the task refusal LD? Anxiety? Attentional deficit? Bad parenting (coddling)? All of the above? What should I do?

The psychiatrist says meds (prozac) but he refuses and fears "losing control of his mind" and despite multiple reassuring conversations with parents, and 3x with CBT therapist - won't budge.

The psychologist says SN school (but then they all reject him for behaviors).

A parent will say homeschool (but what if that makes things worse? What if I burn out? And what about S2 who needs me too? What about my career and our HHI?)

Exhausted, reeling, confused.

Not intending to pull this thread off track or give you anything additional to add to your already very full parenting plate, but fwiw, I wouldn't make any assumptions that S2 is any less gifted than S1 based on the lack of seeing that intense all-consuming insatiable hunger for knowledge. While this characterizes some highly gifted children, it doesn't characterize all highly gifted children. Unless you've had your S2's ability tested and know for certain otherwise, I wouldn't automatically make the assumption that he's any less gifted, just a different personality.

Best wishes,

polarbear

I'm not sure what HHI means. I can tell you, though, that dealing with DD's situation has been my full time job. It's a luxury and I don't know how it would have worked if I wasn't able to be a full time parent. Or if I had other kids to worry about. There are folks here who juggle their 2E situations and have careers - professors, psychologists, lawyers - all are on the board. And some of them have multiple 2E kids. I can tell you that there are peaks and valleys. You WILL have times when things go smoothly. When you can breathe. When you can concentrate on work or a hobby or maybe even reading a novel just for fun. But you will also experience times when your child is having an issue, school seems to be falling apart and you have a nonnegotiable deadline at work. All at the same time. That's the reality. But you have found a good resource here. You are among parents who get it and will be there to a lend an ear and a supportive shoulder to cry on. Use us.

As to your questions - first take a deep breath. There will always be "what ifs" and "how abouts". Our kids are outside the box - it's counterproductive to try to force them into a one size fits all solution. It won't work.

I can tell you that I insisted on a no homework policy for DD. She has SO many LD issues just processing all the information that comes at her throughout the day can be overwhelming. She is extremely focused and hard working so I argued that asking her to do more after school would be too much. She would get overwhelmed and be unable to focus as well at school and that was our priority. It has worked well. No math worksheets, no spelling tests. She does project based assignments but no busy work that would overtax her coping strategies. (At one point she got a disgnosis of NLD. I got this argument from my research into that and still use it even though NLD is no longer considered a valid diagnosis for her. The principal remains the same.)

With a 2E kid you HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE STRENGTHS to address the weaknesses. Make this your mantra if school doesn't get it.

Forget concerns about coddling. Is he choosing to behave this way or is there some neurological issue underlying it? "Coddling" would mean rewarding a choice to behave badly. From what you have described I'm not sure he is capable of making that choice. He has to first learn a coping strategy and a way to behave appropriately before he can be accused of choosing to behave the wrong way.

He may need a 1-1 para in school. Another reason to get rid of "homework". Call it "school work" and have him do it under their supervision. At home enrich, enrich, enrich.

It sounds to me like he is highly anxious and functioning in fight or flight mode. He panics about not being able to control his responses. I think he needs a supportive nurturing environment rather than a punitive one that will treat these reactions as chosen behaviors. JMHO...

And you can use that love of researching and building. "When the math worksheet is finished I have an idea for an awesome project" would be better than "if you finish the worksheet you can do your project". One makes it a given that he has to get through the dreaded task and the other comes across as something he can get into a power struggle over.

From what you've written so far I don't see homeschooling as a viable option. At least not yet. You need some more tools first. I think you and he would both burn out if you tried it before he was ready.

I wanted to provide an update that thanks to the outstanding advice and support in this thread, we are in a much better position with S1. Picking up where the post left off, we:

1. Ordered a full OT evaluation. Developmental Coordination Disorder was highly evident in his scores. He also had lot of emotional intensity around performance.

Based upon the feedback from the full OT evaluation, we pursued:

2. Weekly vision therapy (including daily practices).

3. Weekly appts with two OT providers: one focused on social and school-related skills (worksheets, games, turn-taking, losing with grace), the other on vestibular/oculomotor coordination (he continues his daily practice even now - six months after we switched to school-based OT).

4. Weekly 1.5hr group social skills class.

S1 also continued weekly CBT therapy for anxiety (entering 3rd year).

While most special needs school rejected S1, were extremely fortunate that one with an outstanding reputation for working with bright, college-bound kids with special needs in the emotional/social arena accepted him for the school's entry year, (and the state will pay tuition). We are a long ways away, but the school has a middle school and high school attached to which he is admitted if he remains in good standing. He has swim lesson in school 2x week and (grudgingly) takes drumming in band class. It is a very, very long commute (1.5 hrs each way) and I now have a part-time job keeping S1 stocked up with fresh books to read (mostly middle and YA sci-fi). Thank goodness he's very content to read and does not need electronics. So far..

He's been a student at this school for five months and the change is profound.

He's the same old insatiably curious, talkative, bookwormy aspiring inventor of spaceships and biospheres -- but he's completely HAPPY and AT EASE in school and at home. He has a streak of several months of school without any problematic behavior reported. He still needs a homework buddy (when he has homework, which has dialed down considerably) to prompt him with next steps and ensure he stays focused on-task, and he is still not independently managing his time and efforts, but that we now working on these executive function skills is itself a miracle. Aggressive behavior - gone. Negative talk - gone. He has demonstrated good self-advocacy, taking to me about a problem and suggestion a solution, asking my advice (for example, he didn't like some motivational clip his teachers showed on the smartboard before they did math worksheets - so he asked it he could ask the teachers to do the worksheets without the clip, I said it was a good idea, he self-advocated and the teachers agreed with his plan.)

Now that he is emotionally settled, I'm gingerly looking into his academics to see where some supplementing might be helpful (math, typing). I'm also thinking about how I can keep up the intense therapeutic support. He will be attending a special needs camp for 7 weeks this summer, with a 2:1 camper to counselor (mostly psych PhD students) ratio to work on social and emotional skills, school skills, and playing team sports.

I am very glad we did not medicate him to control the behaviors (as we were advised). Medication has been a godsend for many, but for us it would have not have addressed underpinning disabilities.

Again, I thank from the bottom of my heart everyone -- especially @polarbear and @aeh -- for their kind and unstinting help when I was in crisis. Much work to do, but we are on a different trajectory now.

Thank you.

So happy for you and DC! Thanks for keeping us posted. I love to hear good news. =)