Where angels fear to tread - what a thread!
I do have sympathy for syoblrig's concerns. My son moved to a gifted class this year which seems to have broken down on the attitude/ parenting thing, to the point where the principal has been a regular classroom visitor, trying to teach the kids some rudiments of common decency and respect. No kid should get a free pass to be rude, or be taught they're too superior to have to abide by the rules that apply to the plebeian masses.
but - - - But - - - BUT - - - I was waiting for sue to jump in, and I am glad she did, with her usual wonderful contribution. The OP was talking about a kid far off the norms of intensity, not *most* gifted kids. Here, as everywhere, what works for the majority fails for the extremes. As sue says, punishing a child for things they can't control, telling them to "try harder" when they are already trying as hard as they can, is unhelpful at best, destructive if we make a habit of it.
There is a huge difference between understanding intensity as an
explanation vs using it as an
excuse. Whether it is a "can't" or a "won't", the behaviour is never OK, and it's important for the child to understand that the behaviour is. not. ok. The difference is in what you do about it.
No amount of punishment or sticker chart reward is going to change a behaviour the child doesn't know how to control. It just makes them feel even more helpless, and a bad person to boot. When the behaviour is a "can't", the child needs direct, explicit teaching of the skill; sympathy and appreciation for their efforts (which is not a get out of jail card!); adult scaffolding to support not-yet skills; and the opportunity after calm returns to make restitution as best they can.
We don't have punishments and rewards. Gave up long ago when my kids made clear that extrinsic motivators, meh. But we do celebrate our successes, large and small, in impromptu ways, and pay a lot of attention to small gains and large efforts. And we have to own up to and fix our mistakes (mine included). We ask, "how can we fix this, or at least make it better?" Hug and speak supportively to the person whose feelings or body we hurt (and doesn't matter if the hurt was intentional or oblivion, we need to learn to pay attention to our bodies, and how our words and our tone are perceived by others). Clean up the mess, redo the whatever. And we do it with help and support, to make a problem better, not to punish.
[ok, sometimes I lose it. But this is the way I WANT it to work
].
Some kids just have really, really huge, incredibly overwhelming emotions. They are experiencing the world in a different way, and can be quick as scared and appalled by their lack of control as the commenting bystanders. They - and their parents - needs to work a thousand-fold harder on building that same emotional regulation that other kids gain with age and some simple and consistent rules and correction. That's not an excuse. That's understanding the problem, so you can find relevant solutions.
So going back to the OP, given that the child is only 6, I could even ask whether it actually matters whether he's being deliberately bad or just having a hard time managing overwhelming emotions? Either way, you want him to recognize that the behaviour was unacceptable, that he has to make restitution as much as he can, and that he has to brainstorm with you about what triggers got him to this place, and how he could change the trajectory next time. Bad behaviour, yes. But a good kid, who will keep trying to make it better, with your help.
