Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Independent - Overconfident or Overconcerned?

My DS2 is not shy about exploring new things or places. He is the most independent child I've ever met. He has no problem waking up before me and walking out the front door to explore (so eager about the outdoors) - thank goodness door alarms exist...my poor neighbors seeing me running after him in PJ's almost every day this week. He doesn't care if he can see us or not, he just keeps on exploring or wandering. Taking him on long nature hikes frequently has helped somewhat. He will take things apart, fix things (like doors, his toys, and plumbing which is a long story). He's fully confident in whatever he's doing - has absolutely no fear. He got a mild shock from a toy he was trying to manipulate (battery-operated), but wasn't fazed. We do our best to keep an eye on him at all times (we've been called hoverers and helicopter parents by acquaintances), but where is the line between responsible parents and silent observers? Anyone else with a fiercely independent kiddo that doesn't let anything stand between themselves and the thing they set out to accomplish? My husband had to recently explain to a Lowe's employee that was mad at DH for "letting" DS play with their unmanned forklift. I guess the guy was pretty confrontational and probably rightly so. However, all DS wanted to do was check out the gears and gauges. DH said he went to ask about some suction tool and switch plates thinking DS was in the cart where he had left him just seconds ago (still in eye sight). DS had crawled out of the kid seat and was sitting quietly in the forklift, pointing that the meters and buttons and levers excitedly. DH tried to explain to the guy that "he's not like other kids. He knows what half of that does and it's not like he's never been on one before. He climbed out of that seat and into a forklift just while I was talking to you, it's not his fault the keys are in the ignition and I'm pretty sure most kids that aren't even two would do that. He's not normal like that." DH was asked to leave. He came home all flustered because he doesn't like public scenes and he was conflicted. On the one hand, he genuinely felt like a crappy parent because he took his eyes off of him for maybe two minutes to ask a question and DS escaped and did something he shouldn't have. On the other hand, DH felt like DS wasn't in any danger, just being curious and wanted a closer look.

Anyone have advice here? How do you all handle situations like these that find themselves in the gray areas frequently? Either we are hovering parents or lax parents...there seems to be no in-between from onlookers.

It would have been more appropriate to growl at him and apologise profusely to the forklift driver. Gifted kids get injured when they do dangerous things the same as any other kid. I would also consider putting a lock on his bedroom door. I had to get up ridiculously early when my oldesf was that age to stop him climbing things and playing with switches etc.

Agreed. You and your DH understand the interest your DS has but it was still entirely possible he could have been seriously injured or damaged property... because he's still a child. Look at the post on asynchrony for further illustration. ;-o

While I fully empathize with having a child who is an undaunted explorer, and commend you for having door alarms installed, I agree with the responses from other posters.

There are huge liability issues with a parent taking their eyes off of a child "for two minutes" in a public setting, leaving the child unsupervised. Eclipsing that is the potential for permanent harm or early death for your child, by unsupervised exploring whether at home or in public.

If your child has not had the usual scraped knee or other minor injuries, he may not have a context or frame of reference for pain, and therefore may have an unrealistic sense of safety. However when a minor injury occurs, to acquaint him with simple facts of safety you may wish to begin mentioning that some injuries are small and will heal, while others are bigger and may never heal.

Teaching your wandering two-year-old about stranger danger may also be worth considering.

I'm also familiar with parents having told their children that "it's the law" that children must stay with their parents, and that if children are found wandering unsupervised, the parents may be declared unfit and the children taken away.

These are just a few ideas. It is up to parents to determine whatever you think your child will understand and respond to with the positive behavior of valuing supervision.

That being said, rather than feeling badly or having fear of being labeled a bad parent, it may be more positive to chalk this up to a learning experience and realize that a child with a propensity to explore needs close and mindful supervision. This may be a part of the reason why parents of gifted children often report feeling exhausted and sleep-deprived... and may be part of the bond among many gifted parents.

We actually bought a child leash, whch we used in the late 1s and early 2s. We got some looks, but DD's safety and our sanity were worth it. (She was fearless and highly independent.)

I don't really blame the Lowe's employee either--their potential liability here was huge.

We've talked to DS about stranger danger and he's been good about that so far. He's gotten lots of bumps, bruises, and scraped knees from playing too rough or going too fast, climbing too high. DH and I are fully aware of the dangers of his endeavors (I'm an acute care peds nurse and see the worst-case scenarios every day); hence why people think we are helicopter parents for always watching him like a hawk. We only let 3 other people watch him because we trust that they will not let him go unsupervised and will jump in when (not if) they need to. He's only 22 months, so I think a child leash will be a HUGE help. Normally, I strap him in the Ergo for trips to keep him out of trouble, but DH thinks that the front seat of the carts are good enough (lesson learned, lol).
Talking to him about hazards of streets, cars, large equipment, fire, heights, animals, etc. have normally been understood and he's proven that he'll stop and look for assistance for the most part, but that independent streak of his and unabashed curiosity will get the best of me, I swear. He never cries over pain, falls, trips, near-misses, etc. so I'm not sure how to explain morbidity and mortality to him.

Puffin and Indigo, I'm glad I'm not the only one who needs extra locks and door alarms, lol. Just last week, I thought I'd outsmart him and wake up super early to catch him before he could go out the front door. I walked downstairs at a quarter to six to catch him in the act of making me coffee. He had managed to get his step stool, grab a coffee mug, fill it with water, plug in the Keurig, fill the water compartment, turn the machine on, put in the K-up and was closing the lid and pushing the brew button. There isn't a strong enough coffee to keep up with this kid, but boy was he proud when he saw me coming! I was super grateful as he beat me to it! Such a little man and yet so considerate.

With a child like that, you have to learn not to care if people think you are hovering or a helicopter parent. At that age (and possibly for many years to come),he has no sense of what is dangerous, and could easily be seriously harmed.

One of my children was absolutely fearless for many, many years. I am sure in that time period many people thought I hovered too much, but I didn't care because I knew what would happen if I didn't. Most of our "parent" friends eventually understood the reason we had to hover.

Some children just require more supervision than others. The people whose children don't require as much supervision are not going to understand.

My former neighbors had a child like yours. He wasn't gifted. The kid wanted OUT of the house, and that was that. His favorite places were the road and into the neighbor's yard where the mean dog might be. Or maybe he'd just take off along the sidewalk and strike out looking for adventure. Who knows? He was not quite 2.

They put a bolt on the door. He used a chair to unlock it. They eventually had to put the lock so high, his mom could barely reach it. That stopped him. Can you do that?

I agree with the other posters about the forklift, and will add that blaming the operator (keys) for failure to watch your son wasn't a good move. They were right to tell your DH to leave. I know I sound really harsh, but it's important to recognize how much damage your son could have caused, either to himself or others. You can tell yourself that he's very bright and knows about the controls and etc., but you also said that he just does stuff because he wants to. How is it that he's so bright, he can be responsible by himself inside a forklift, yet he doesn't understand that it's not okay to just take off or climb inside it? How do you know his independent streak won't suddenly manifest itself when he sees a really cool switch? Having been in a forklift before might have made him MORE confident about playing with it. What if he'd flicked a switch and caused the forklift to do something unexpected when the operator turned it on? What if he'd slipped and fallen on a control or injured himself? What if he'd taken the keys?

In this respect, I disagree with indigo. You should be hard on yourselves. Try to see this incident as "we dodged a bullet" rather than "it was okay because he's so bright." Seeing it as the child wasn't in danger could lead you to very serious problems next time.


It's very difficult to watch a little kid who's determined to go exploring. I've had to search for kids who took off to look for fossils or a better toy shop. It's hard. And knowing that, sometimes the answer is to leave the child at home. I didn't like to take my kids to places like Lowe's at that age because of the dangers, and avoided doing so whenever possible.

I haven't had a child like this, but I was one. As in, thought process at a year old: Oh look, the top of a sheer cliff terminating in deep water--that looks like a fun place to play tag with my terrified parents. I was also an incessant climber, lacked fear of strangers (at least as a toddler), and enjoyed balancing on the curb next to traffic. I'm pretty sure I'm alive today because my parents put a toddler-leash on me (after the cliff incident).

So yes, take it very seriously, yes, be very grateful nothing bad happened, yes, recognize the potential bad outcomes that could easily have occurred, but no, don't beat yourselves up about it (you've never parented this child before, so you're still figuring it out). Learn from the experience, and move forward.

Yes, without even reading the rest: like aeh, I didn't parent such a child-- as in, my DD really was one that could be left for long periods on only-sort-of-supervion status, but then again, she was never impulsive or risk-taking this way--

but boy, howdy, was I ever one of these kids. I can remember being thrilled to hear about Parkour, because this was something that I'd basically been doing since I could walk... and I mean that quite literally. My mother took the mobile down over my crib and put the crib sides all the way down, when she walked in on me PULLING that mobile down (for the fifth or sixth time that week) by balancing on the top of the crib rail. I was about 11mo old. It got worse from there, frankly. I was fearless, wily, flexible, and impulsive.

I think back on some of the stunts I pulled as a pretty small child and I shudder at the risk, and wonder at what an overworked guardian angel I must have, frankly.

Yes, supervision with a capital S, now that you know.

Realize that your child lacks judgment that comes with lived experiences of consequences. Asynchrony may mean that some such children can readily envision possible negative consequences (like my DD seems to), but in other children (like me, and aeh, too, apparently)-- not-so-much.

My dad was another child like this-- he was EXHAUSTING to parent.

The asynchrony makes it so very tempting to ignore that basic personality quirk (risk-taking and impulsiveness) and how it interacts with high IQ and one's surroundings... but don't be fooled. Children are still very much children. They DO stuff that doesn't make sense, or that could reasonably be expected to turn out badly-- and they don't see those outcomes as even on the horizon.