My DS2 is not shy about exploring new things or places. He is the most independent child I've ever met. He has no problem waking up before me and walking out the front door to explore (so eager about the outdoors) - thank goodness door alarms exist...my poor neighbors seeing me running after him in PJ's almost every day this week. He doesn't care if he can see us or not, he just keeps on exploring or wandering. Taking him on long nature hikes frequently has helped somewhat. He will take things apart, fix things (like doors, his toys, and plumbing which is a long story). He's fully confident in whatever he's doing - has absolutely no fear. He got a mild shock from a toy he was trying to manipulate (battery-operated), but wasn't fazed. We do our best to keep an eye on him at all times (we've been called hoverers and helicopter parents by acquaintances), but where is the line between responsible parents and silent observers? Anyone else with a fiercely independent kiddo that doesn't let anything stand between themselves and the thing they set out to accomplish? My husband had to recently explain to a Lowe's employee that was mad at DH for "letting" DS play with their unmanned forklift. I guess the guy was pretty confrontational and probably rightly so. However, all DS wanted to do was check out the gears and gauges. DH said he went to ask about some suction tool and switch plates thinking DS was in the cart where he had left him just seconds ago (still in eye sight). DS had crawled out of the kid seat and was sitting quietly in the forklift, pointing that the meters and buttons and levers excitedly. DH tried to explain to the guy that "he's not like other kids. He knows what half of that does and it's not like he's never been on one before. He climbed out of that seat and into a forklift just while I was talking to you, it's not his fault the keys are in the ignition and I'm pretty sure most kids that aren't even two would do that. He's not normal like that." DH was asked to leave. He came home all flustered because he doesn't like public scenes and he was conflicted. On the one hand, he genuinely felt like a crappy parent because he took his eyes off of him for maybe two minutes to ask a question and DS escaped and did something he shouldn't have. On the other hand, DH felt like DS wasn't in any danger, just being curious and wanted a closer look.

Anyone have advice here? How do you all handle situations like these that find themselves in the gray areas frequently? Either we are hovering parents or lax parents...there seems to be no in-between from onlookers.

It would have been more appropriate to growl at him and apologise profusely to the forklift driver. Gifted kids get injured when they do dangerous things the same as any other kid. I would also consider putting a lock on his bedroom door. I had to get up ridiculously early when my oldesf was that age to stop him climbing things and playing with switches etc.

Agreed. You and your DH understand the interest your DS has but it was still entirely possible he could have been seriously injured or damaged property... because he's still a child. Look at the post on asynchrony for further illustration. ;-o

While I fully empathize with having a child who is an undaunted explorer, and commend you for having door alarms installed, I agree with the responses from other posters.

There are huge liability issues with a parent taking their eyes off of a child "for two minutes" in a public setting, leaving the child unsupervised. Eclipsing that is the potential for permanent harm or early death for your child, by unsupervised exploring whether at home or in public.

If your child has not had the usual scraped knee or other minor injuries, he may not have a context or frame of reference for pain, and therefore may have an unrealistic sense of safety. However when a minor injury occurs, to acquaint him with simple facts of safety you may wish to begin mentioning that some injuries are small and will heal, while others are bigger and may never heal.

Teaching your wandering two-year-old about stranger danger may also be worth considering.

I'm also familiar with parents having told their children that "it's the law" that children must stay with their parents, and that if children are found wandering unsupervised, the parents may be declared unfit and the children taken away.

These are just a few ideas. It is up to parents to determine whatever you think your child will understand and respond to with the positive behavior of valuing supervision.

That being said, rather than feeling badly or having fear of being labeled a bad parent, it may be more positive to chalk this up to a learning experience and realize that a child with a propensity to explore needs close and mindful supervision. This may be a part of the reason why parents of gifted children often report feeling exhausted and sleep-deprived... and may be part of the bond among many gifted parents.

We actually bought a child leash, whch we used in the late 1s and early 2s. We got some looks, but DD's safety and our sanity were worth it. (She was fearless and highly independent.)

I don't really blame the Lowe's employee either--their potential liability here was huge.

We've talked to DS about stranger danger and he's been good about that so far. He's gotten lots of bumps, bruises, and scraped knees from playing too rough or going too fast, climbing too high. DH and I are fully aware of the dangers of his endeavors (I'm an acute care peds nurse and see the worst-case scenarios every day); hence why people think we are helicopter parents for always watching him like a hawk. We only let 3 other people watch him because we trust that they will not let him go unsupervised and will jump in when (not if) they need to. He's only 22 months, so I think a child leash will be a HUGE help. Normally, I strap him in the Ergo for trips to keep him out of trouble, but DH thinks that the front seat of the carts are good enough (lesson learned, lol).
Talking to him about hazards of streets, cars, large equipment, fire, heights, animals, etc. have normally been understood and he's proven that he'll stop and look for assistance for the most part, but that independent streak of his and unabashed curiosity will get the best of me, I swear. He never cries over pain, falls, trips, near-misses, etc. so I'm not sure how to explain morbidity and mortality to him.

Puffin and Indigo, I'm glad I'm not the only one who needs extra locks and door alarms, lol. Just last week, I thought I'd outsmart him and wake up super early to catch him before he could go out the front door. I walked downstairs at a quarter to six to catch him in the act of making me coffee. He had managed to get his step stool, grab a coffee mug, fill it with water, plug in the Keurig, fill the water compartment, turn the machine on, put in the K-up and was closing the lid and pushing the brew button. There isn't a strong enough coffee to keep up with this kid, but boy was he proud when he saw me coming! I was super grateful as he beat me to it! Such a little man and yet so considerate.

With a child like that, you have to learn not to care if people think you are hovering or a helicopter parent. At that age (and possibly for many years to come),he has no sense of what is dangerous, and could easily be seriously harmed.

One of my children was absolutely fearless for many, many years. I am sure in that time period many people thought I hovered too much, but I didn't care because I knew what would happen if I didn't. Most of our "parent" friends eventually understood the reason we had to hover.

Some children just require more supervision than others. The people whose children don't require as much supervision are not going to understand.

My former neighbors had a child like yours. He wasn't gifted. The kid wanted OUT of the house, and that was that. His favorite places were the road and into the neighbor's yard where the mean dog might be. Or maybe he'd just take off along the sidewalk and strike out looking for adventure. Who knows? He was not quite 2.

They put a bolt on the door. He used a chair to unlock it. They eventually had to put the lock so high, his mom could barely reach it. That stopped him. Can you do that?

I agree with the other posters about the forklift, and will add that blaming the operator (keys) for failure to watch your son wasn't a good move. They were right to tell your DH to leave. I know I sound really harsh, but it's important to recognize how much damage your son could have caused, either to himself or others. You can tell yourself that he's very bright and knows about the controls and etc., but you also said that he just does stuff because he wants to. How is it that he's so bright, he can be responsible by himself inside a forklift, yet he doesn't understand that it's not okay to just take off or climb inside it? How do you know his independent streak won't suddenly manifest itself when he sees a really cool switch? Having been in a forklift before might have made him MORE confident about playing with it. What if he'd flicked a switch and caused the forklift to do something unexpected when the operator turned it on? What if he'd slipped and fallen on a control or injured himself? What if he'd taken the keys?

In this respect, I disagree with indigo. You should be hard on yourselves. Try to see this incident as "we dodged a bullet" rather than "it was okay because he's so bright." Seeing it as the child wasn't in danger could lead you to very serious problems next time.


It's very difficult to watch a little kid who's determined to go exploring. I've had to search for kids who took off to look for fossils or a better toy shop. It's hard. And knowing that, sometimes the answer is to leave the child at home. I didn't like to take my kids to places like Lowe's at that age because of the dangers, and avoided doing so whenever possible.

I haven't had a child like this, but I was one. As in, thought process at a year old: Oh look, the top of a sheer cliff terminating in deep water--that looks like a fun place to play tag with my terrified parents. I was also an incessant climber, lacked fear of strangers (at least as a toddler), and enjoyed balancing on the curb next to traffic. I'm pretty sure I'm alive today because my parents put a toddler-leash on me (after the cliff incident).

So yes, take it very seriously, yes, be very grateful nothing bad happened, yes, recognize the potential bad outcomes that could easily have occurred, but no, don't beat yourselves up about it (you've never parented this child before, so you're still figuring it out). Learn from the experience, and move forward.

Yes, without even reading the rest: like aeh, I didn't parent such a child-- as in, my DD really was one that could be left for long periods on only-sort-of-supervion status, but then again, she was never impulsive or risk-taking this way--

but boy, howdy, was I ever one of these kids. I can remember being thrilled to hear about Parkour, because this was something that I'd basically been doing since I could walk... and I mean that quite literally. My mother took the mobile down over my crib and put the crib sides all the way down, when she walked in on me PULLING that mobile down (for the fifth or sixth time that week) by balancing on the top of the crib rail. I was about 11mo old. It got worse from there, frankly. I was fearless, wily, flexible, and impulsive.

I think back on some of the stunts I pulled as a pretty small child and I shudder at the risk, and wonder at what an overworked guardian angel I must have, frankly.

Yes, supervision with a capital S, now that you know.

Realize that your child lacks judgment that comes with lived experiences of consequences. Asynchrony may mean that some such children can readily envision possible negative consequences (like my DD seems to), but in other children (like me, and aeh, too, apparently)-- not-so-much.

My dad was another child like this-- he was EXHAUSTING to parent.

The asynchrony makes it so very tempting to ignore that basic personality quirk (risk-taking and impulsiveness) and how it interacts with high IQ and one's surroundings... but don't be fooled. Children are still very much children. They DO stuff that doesn't make sense, or that could reasonably be expected to turn out badly-- and they don't see those outcomes as even on the horizon.

DD took her first steps at 26 weeks old and by 10 months was climbing over baby gates and running up and down stairs. She has several scars to prove it and for months we had no hard furniture in the living room (forget about baby proofing, we just stripped the room). She rarely wanted to ride anywhere in a stroller or pack... she wanted to walk/run/gambol/bolt/scamper/climb. So we found her sturdy boots (thank goodness her feet were huge because most shoes for that age were not meant to actually hike in) and a baby leash. This was an absolute requirement just to keep her from getting killed.

There were many long hikes, playing in gyms and bouncy house places, etc. As she got older, we got better at judging what she could do safely that other kids couldn't (like climbing to the top of the play structure and balancing on one leg*) and places we really had to watch her.

* We have a great photo of her at just around nine months old, standing on one foot in my husband cupped hand, arm outstretched. It was adorable, but freakish.

Agreed. It is important for children to learn:
- that there are boundaries,
- that the boundaries do apply to them (they are not an exception),
- that boundaries exist to help ensure safety,
- to respect boundaries,
- to respect those who enforce boundaries.

We had a cliff incident too (toddler scaled a crumbling seaside cliff and parent had to retrieve). Every time I recall it, a few more of my hairs turn gray. She was fine, of course, but it could have been actual death. She actually remembers this, perhaps because of the complete freak-out by us afterwards (she was told in no uncertain terms to stop and come down, but kept going, so we had no choice but to follow).

This has haunted me every day. I'd possibly consider pleasantly teaching him that while making coffee may have seemed like a good way to help, the best way to help is to ask the parent to "wake up and watch over me."

Some may say the combination of:
- heights (step stool)
- breakables (coffee mug)
- water (fill the water compartment)
- electricity (plug in the Keurig)
are not safe for an unsupervised 2-year-old. Even though he managed successfully on his own, if his coffee-making is repeated situations may arise which he may be unprepared to deal with. These might be as simple as distraction by a bug, a sound, or a thought... or having a wet hand when plugging in the coffee maker... or having the plug inserted into the outlet only partially.

I'm not sure what age others might consider OK for a child to make coffee unsupervised... possibly an age at which the child can understand the negative consequences which might occur with breakables, heat, electricity, water... maybe 8 years old??

You've obviously got your hands full with a very active, bright, and energetic child. And you obviously need your sleep. I would not want to suggest anything which may make your life seem more difficult. That having been said, the child needs constant supervision... the greatest difficulties may occur if the child is ever injured, and/or reported to authorities when wandering unsupervised outside of the home.

I agree with the other posters... although our 3.5 year old is not quite to the level that OP's DS is, she is enough of an independent person that we do watch her more closely, especially around water and on her bike. At this age, she just does not have the life experience to understand for instance why biking into the road is dangerous. For instance, she has no fear of throwing herself into the deep end even when she had struggled to get to DH or the wall - she went down a huge slide (around 2 stories high), got disoriented and could not figure out what to do so DH grabbed her as she flailed and bawled, and yet she climbed back up to go down again, undaunted by the fact that she had flailed just a minute ago (9 times out of 10, she is able to get to the wall - but she is still prone to occasion periods where she gets disoriented and gets into real trouble if DH was not there to fish her out). It is this reason that we watch her like a hawk when she is swimming and do swimming lessons where safety is reinforced every week. We have similar issues around her on a pedal bike (no training wheels).

I have no answers for sleep (our kids like to snuggle up rather than wander, and we still have the gate with the alarm on the top of the stairs even though they know how to use it - it does alert us that someone is going up or down) but while awake, you will need to really try to drill basic safety routines.

A lot of you are really concerned about several aspects of my post. My main question wasn't really addressed. Believe it or not, my son is almost never unsupervised...because of how he is and because he's two. He has a nanny, both of his parents are very involved, and his grandparents. All of us work as a team to keep him supervised, engaged, and safe. We can't keep our eyes on him at absolutely all times, but he is always very nearby - never alone. I can't wrap him in a bubble. I can put an alarm on some doors, so I am up when he is. I can make his room as safe as possible, I can (and do) watch over him when he's using the higher-risk things.

He likes to wake us up 4 out of 5 days, but sometimes he just has an agenda. We've got a bell on his door and alarms on the doors to the outside now. We put magnet locks on the cabinets where the step stools are, we've locked the fridge, we've done what we can.

My husband, admittedly, is still adjusting to the constant supervision needs and our kiddo's other quirks. We are not perfect, but we're working with a specialist, he has lots of fantastic adults around him at all times that love him, and he's avoided injury and death thus far - so must be doing a decent job.

I was more hoping for support or advice when out in public or with other parents/kids because we are watching him like a hawk and DON'T let him do things that other kids his age do (like play in a nearby but out-of-sight room alone). I have parent friends tell me I'm not giving him enough space to be a kid. I'm hovering. I'm over-involved. Yet, despite these labels I feel like I'm still not doing what I need to to keep him safe (eg. the coffee incident) until he understands basic safety. That was more where I was going with my OP.

You need to allow yourself to hover. It is not a matter of trust etc just that some kids require more active supervision tban others. Those that have more passive children won't get that. I think what caused the concern was that you may be forgetting (like most of us do at times) that advanced intellect does not equate to advanced judgement due to lack of life exoerience. Really you can only keep him safe and yourself sane until he gets a bit older. Then you can deal with the next problem.

Well that...my parents used to get similar criticism for putting their baby on a leash. I wasn't a dog, you know!

I'll say the same advice I always give: you know your child best. Don't worry about what other people say or think. Just keep parenting your child according to what he needs. If you need a comment to deflect criticism, you can always smile ruefully and say, "We've learned by experience that he does best with a LOT of supervision." And leave them with a wry look and implied horrors.

As to keeping him safer: beyond close supervision and possible use of a harness in certain settings, it may be helpful to start having regular conversations with him, before, during, and after risky behavior, about the potential bad outcomes, not only to his body, but also to other people's bodies, property, and feelings. Though not a sensation-seeker, one of our children is impulsive and low anxiety (NB, this is not a good combination for keeping parental anxiety low!). We've had ongoing conversations regarding not only how an action could affect you, but that a reasonable person who cares about you might be hurt or worried by your actions.

As HK noted, some children instinctively see these chains of consequence, but most need to be taught. The plus of a high cognitive toddler is that you can teach some of these skills and concepts (though the application of them will still require heavy supervision).

Is this your first child?

If I could have a do-over, after parenting for 25 years, I'd work relentlessly on my own anxious thoughts about how other parents perceive me and let that stuff go. With a therapist, if necessary.

You and your DH are the experts on your child. It's hard not to internalize all the negative, confusing messages parents receive. You, of course, want to be the perfect parent for your child but you will be happier if you strive toward "good enough."

You're pretty much damned if you do ("hover") and damned if you don't. Somebody will always think you are doing too much or doing too little. Trust yourselves and keep your child safe.

And hang in there.

I can't offer any advice on accident prevention because our DS6 and DS4 are both extremely cautious (too much so), so I have no tips or tricks for you.

But I can offer sympathy, because I often get looks or comments from strangers because of DS6's emotional intensity. Much like your DS, conventional parenting doesn't work terribly well with him. We've worked with a parenting coach and have read up and sought help in various other ways. And we've learned to accept that we're going to get looks and comments, and people will think he's an ill-behaved child. But ultimately, we need to do what's best for him (and for us) and not worry what other people think. If they comment when he's not around, I usually just say that "regular parenting" doesn't work with him, but that he's making progress and we're proud of him. Actually, you may want to throw out something like "Don't worry, he gets more fun out of an afternoon than some kids get in a month!". You should make it clear that you have no reason to have to be on the defensive - these kids get PLENTY out of life!

And you know, we do sometimes lose perspective when we're faced with unusual children. So if anyone on this board is offering advice, it might be useful to pay attention to it even if it's hard to swallow. I'm guessing that they are responding because they want to help, not criticize.

I know it can be mentally exhausting. Good luck!

I am one of those parents who watches one of her kids like a hawk.

My oldest is impulsive esp in public, so I have to watch him very closely. My youngest is very responsible (more so than the oldest), so I don't have to supervise her as closely.

Not only do I receive comments/advices about being too strict. I am also being viewed as treating the kids unfairly.

At the end of the day, I know my kids best. I have to ignore all the comments/advices and do what's best for the individual kid.

Good luck!

I wasn't so much as taking it as criticisms, but I wanted to reframe things to hear how other mom's dealt with that type of awkwardness when you really do want to say "my kid isn't quite like yours, back off" to other moms when I catch slack about my inability to sit and enjoy coffee and a chat with them because I'm always following my toddler or redirecting attention or needing to leave because he's overstimulated. I know a lot of the parents here have been through this and I'm just starting out. Since I rephrased my thoughts and added some more clear direction, I seem to have gotten helpful feedback. Thank you all!

Oh, this is such a GEM of a post.

In some respects, this is the most freeing thing of all about radical (multi-year) acceleration-- it's proof positive that you're parenting an outlier, and that other parents seldom have anything useful to add.

Of course, they'll still chime in anytime something goes wrong... because naturally, bad things only happen to kids when their parents make bad parenting decisions, right??

In this day and age, with the internet and vast population, someone is always going to be judgemental - whether it is how you parent, how you look, whether you are a SAHM or working mom, breastfed or not... as everyone else said, only you know your child best (no one can ever prepare for all possible scenarios and it is easy to judge afterwards or do the "we should have done this"). Basically the message that we all seem to be bombarded with is that everyone is doing the right thing except you. And yes, some days, I do have doubts over whether I am doing enough right stuff with both kids (polar opposites) that they won't be totally dysfunctional as they get older. Before kids, I wanted to be like those perfect moms - now, I just want to be sure I am doing enough right stuff to keep them on a track that will allow for positive lives.

I learned - don't spend too much time agonizing over what-might-haves other than try to figure out what to do in future (DH tends to like to stress over what-ifs and I tend to be more "it did not happen, move along now" so we do have periodic differences over that) - and to be able to let go of what others say or may say. If someone is a parent of the child that is relatively "easy going", it is easy to judge and point where someone "messed up" in their parenting - they won't ever have the experience or stress of what it is like to parent a child that defies the conventions.

(also, we lean towards hover parents category - because DS is way too trusting and will go off with anyone who is friendly while DD will do things that scares us to death at times - we just don't apologize - I tend to have the attitude of these are my kids and I will watch them as necessary for safety reasons). If you don't want to explain yourself - just don't. I don't unless they ask me directly, otherwise I just smile and continue with whatever I do.

I have learned that the parents of gifted kids usually have one thing in common - feeling judged by other parents.

That and utter exhaustion

I just want to add that I was an extremely skilled and wise parent...up until we had children.

Hang in there. We're all learning and growing every day.

my mom liked to say that for nurotypical people, input comes in one way and goes out the other, but for me it comes in one way, bounces around for a bit, and that comes out in a random direction.

My grandmother used to stop to tell mums struggling that the boisterous ones were more rewarding in the end. I remember her telling one mum that although some days she may wish for a 'suet pudding' child who sat where she was put that in the long run she would be happier with the type she had.

My children are NOT suet pudding children.

I was not a nice little kid...but it made me a decent person. In my defense I have three learning disorders, and that's hard to deal with when your in elementary school. And yeah, I'm not pudding.

Go, grandma!