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DD 8 thinks that only good grade is perfect grade, meaning A is bad if she missed something, but fine if she got everything right. She sometimes gets this perfect grade she wants but sometimes makes silly mistakes and gets 1-3 points taken. She is a good speller too and does her spelling assignment independently and then I test the words the night before the test. She has never gotten any of her words wrong home, and before this year in school she had always gotten everything right. Last fall she got one word wrong ( wrote it first right and then changed it wrong), two weeks ago she somehow got another word wrong and last week she accidentally left a letter out of an easy word. She is very upset about missing these word, especially back to back. I think her problem is that she intuitively spells the words correctly without studying them and starts doubting herself during the test.
So I'm not sure how to deal with her. Should I help her and figure out how not to make silly mistakes or not? I'm afraid to tell her to doublecheck her answers worried she might think that we think she needs to always get everything right.
She has always been the top student in her class and she likes that and is worried that if she gets anything wrong somebody else will be the top student. She does not get any prices out of being on the top of her class and I do not think the other student even care. How should we discuss this?
This is all new to me as I'm not a perfectionist and while I did well in school I was never perfect nor did I care. Her hobbies are violin and ballet, both requiring "perfection".
I see two different but related issues: - perfectionism - wanting to be the top student, relative to others
If it helps to know your daughter is not alone in this, these are frequent topics on the forums. For example, here is a link to one old thread.
Taking "above level" tests in which a child's knowledge base and reasoning are measured in depth is one example of a positive experience in which a child: - does not score 100%, - may be compared with an intellectually advanced peer group amongst which the child will not be the top scorer.
To develop flexible thinking and good sportsmanship, be well-rounded and a lifelong learner, it often helps to think in terms of one's "personal best".
If a person begins to avoid activities at which they cannot immediately excel or be "the best", you may be interested in exploring the book mindset by Carol Dweck.
Perfectionistic tendencies may be a sign of developing a fixed mindset rather than a growth mindset. One aspect or application is that gifted kids may stop taking appropriate risks in order to always be "right" or always be "smart" or never be "wrong", and this may work against them. The concept is nicely summarized in these youtube videos: Ashley Merryman & Po Bronson: The Myth of Praise (link- ) Teaching a Growth Mindset (link- )
Parents may wish to read the book Mindset by Carol Dweck for tips on promoting a growth mindset. It is based on years of research. Not that I agree with every idea/application, but on balance found a number of ideas to be useful.
I agree with Indigo that there are two issues at play.
As far as whether to help her figure out how to avoid making mistakes, I don't know that I'd spend a lot of time on it right now if I were you. If anything, I might ask "have you thought about ways you might reduce the silly mistakes? what have you tried?" and go from there. Have been trying really hard to ask my kids how they might go about solving something before teaching them how I have done so myself.
For the top student thing, I might just reassure her that she has tremendous value no matter her place in the class and that sometimes she will be the top student and other times she won't be in that spot.
How challenged is she in school? I'm wondering if the material is so far beneath her that she has too much time on her hands and thus is challenging herself with these perfectionism and competitiveness patterns. I would worry that she may not want to try new things if they might not lead to a perfect score or top position. For us, that's what led to really pushing the school for acceleration (single, now double subject). We didn't want the kids to get caught up in a 100% with little effort mentality. They were heading there...
Thank you for the links and books I will check those out. She is not challenged at school but acceleration is not an option where were are (not in US). Her class is very bright I think bottom of the class is really high average.
By nature she is not really competitive, she actually hates any kind of competition but seems to think that it is important to be top of her class. Like I said the school does not make a big deal out of it, there is no price or diplomas or nothing like that.
We always tell her that she should just try her best (maybe this is bad as well, as she thinks her best needs to be perfect) and we are not interested about her grades.
Violin has been really great for her as she has been able progress on her own speed. She loves her lessons and never gets upset when teacher is correcting her.
I actively try to quite often take DD9 out of her comfort zone, and we talk about it as being a good thing. School is hopeless, but that's a whole nother story that we are working on But I quite regularly find classes and courses on things that she's interested in and talk them into taking her (local homeschool groups and library activities are really good for this, and I take her to public lectures at universities). After some trial and error, found she should currently be working on 13-14 year old level in those topics to actually need to be paying and attention and making an effort and asking questions. And we talk about it in terms of how interesting it was, what was easy and what was challenging, what she learned, what else she'd like to learn in light of it, etc. Not how well she did or who she beat (I secretly tell DH these things!). Although, full disclosure, probably if she did struggle comprehending anything the sting would be taken out of it by being so much younger than anyone else. Also, I only work part time so it's not too difficult to find and take her to these things. So not perfect! But better than nothing
But I quite regularly find classes and courses on things that she's interested in and talk them into taking her (local homeschool groups and library activities are really good for this, and I take her to public lectures at universities). After some trial and error, found she should currently be working on 13-14 year old level in those topics to actually need to be paying and attention and making an effort and asking questions. And we talk about it in terms of how interesting it was, what was easy and what was challenging, what she learned, what else she'd like to learn in light of it, etc. Not how well she did or who she beat (I secretly tell DH these things!). Although, full disclosure, probably if she did struggle comprehending anything the sting would be taken out of it by being so much younger than anyone else. Also, I only work part time so it's not too difficult to find and take her to these things. So not perfect! But better than nothing