Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School Introverted DS6 suddenly aggressive at recess

Over the last couple of weeks DS 6 has suddenly been having problems with being too rough/aggressive on the playground at school. He is an introvert and has received help for social skills in the past- mostly for difficulty in joining in group play. Until now we were pleased with how he was doing socially since starting kindergarten. His teachers report that he is kind and has friends (almost all girls) and that they have not ever seen him act maliciously but there have been several incidents lately when he got overexcited during recess and was too rough. For example, last week he was playing with a classmate and he pulled her roughly by her arm. That was part of the game but then when she started to protest, he didn't stop. A teacher intervened and he apologized but the girl is upset and avoiding him now. This was one of his two best friends. The week before, he pushed another friend down during a game. That child was upset and has been ignoring my son since the incident occurred.

This is all very puzzling to me. Until kindergarten, my son shied away from any physical play and would instead wander off and play on his own. I was thrilled when he started to engage in the running around/rough play because I saw it as a healthy development. Until now, he has always shown unusual self-restraint. For example, we were at a party last week and kids broke a pinata. The children all rushed in but my son held back and was so careful about snatching candy that he didn't get any. Until now, his teachers have always described him as gentle and exceptionally careful with his body. I've always been grateful for this because he is much, much larger than his peers (he is very tall). He is careful and gentle with his brother and with children in almost every situation. But when he starts to roughhouse or run around and play at recess, he is having a hard time respecting others' boundaries. This has happened about 3-4 times over the last three weeks.

Part of me thinks this is a natural part of development and that when kids start engaging in physical play, they must experiment and learn about boundaries. But other children start this kind of play- and figure out boundaries- at a much younger age. By the age of six, kids should have figured this out, right? I'm also concerned because after a negative preschool experience (he didn't engage in group play) we felt like my son was having a good social experience in kindergarten and I fear that he is now heading down the path towards social rejection again. Since he pushed the boy a couple of weeks ago, the boys stopped playing with my son. Now he upset a girl, one of his best friends, and the girls are shunning him. He is spending recess playing alone because he doesn't want to hurt anybody or get in trouble. The teachers report that he is fine in class and during choice time, but he is having a hard time at recess.

Does anybody have some perspective? I'm feeling a bit lost and not really sure how to address this.

You really need more info. I know my larger child used to misinterpret both what was happening and the amount of force at that age. Eg. The game involved general pushing and shoving but ds8 (6 then) would push too hard, a kid would say come and get me and ds8 would. I still have to remind him that he is bigger and must be more careful.

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of information. My son's teachers don't supervise recess so other teachers witnessed what happened and I am hearing about the incident third-hand. I have seen the kids play the game where my son ran into trouble because they play it all the time. The kids are tigers escaping from the zoo. A zookeeper runs around and hauls the escaped tigers back into their cages. Unfortunately, a key part of the game is "dragging" the tigers back to their cages. On one occasion last week my son was the zookeeper and he didn't listen when the "tiger" protested that she didn't want to be pulled any longer. She told him and he didn't listen so another "tiger" told a teacher, who intervened. My son apologized but the "tiger" was upset (and, I imagine, scared) and she has been avoiding him since then. That's all the information I have been able to get. The school didn't think it was a big deal and didn't contact us about it. I only heard about the incident because the parents of another boy who my son pushed on another occasion (playing a similar game) complained. When I called to discuss it with the teachers, they told me there had been a few incidents over the last couple of weeks. They don't think my son is aggressive and said he's just "working on this issue" recently. They are reminding him to keep his hands to himself, working on mindfulness techniques for dealing with frustration (though I'm not sure that is what is going on here), giving him fidgets to play with and keep his hands busy, encouraging him to listen to feedback from friends and ask a teacher for help when necessary.

I'm anxious about this because while my son has had his share of challenges, he has never been rough or aggressive or even physical with other kids. So I wonder if this is a new stage or if it is a symptom of some underlying distress/stress. I also wonder if it's a natural phase or if it is related to his social skills deficits. Specifically, he has poor eye contact, tends to speak very quietly so that is hard to hear him, he is very passive, he often doesn't seem to hear what we say to him (we have to repeat things several times), and he sometimes doesn't reciprocate appropriately (often doesn't reciprocate greetings). He is also a very introverted child and some of this may be a reflection of this. Or something more. I don't know. I am just reeling that, of all things, we are facing rough behavior and I'm trying to figure out an appropriate way to respond without making my son (or myself) too anxious.

We attended a workshop about safety, assertiveness, boundary setting, bullying, etc. over the weekend. We have been reading books about friendship and social skills. We have also been role playing. My husband wrestles with my son and is working to assert boundaries and teach him about the appropriate level of force (but they have always incorporated this so this isn't new). Maybe I'm just blowing this up because my son has had so many social challenges over the last couple of years. I'm very sad because he finally seemed to be doing well socially and I'm afraid that his relationships are going to deteriorate again. His teachers told us they have no concerns about his social skills, as he has friends (all girls) and is great in the classroom. He is just really struggling with recess right now.

One more thing, my son saw a psych for a social skills playgroup for a year. She once mentioned that he has some social anxiety. Could that be contributing to this behavior?

One of the things about raising a child with social skills challenges is that there are moments when you start to think the child has sort of "caught up"-- and then the peers make a developmental leap that leaves the child in the dust again. It is very frustrating. Recess is also hard because it's unstructured and usually poorly supervised.

School should be helped to understand that DS will need ongoing help with social skills-- both in the short and long term. Someone should be helping now by observing recess and noting what the current difficulties are so that he can be taught appropriate skills. (Being encouraged to ask a teacher for help isn't likely enough-- if he knew when he was about to get himself into trouble, he wouldn't have the problem he has.)

If his friends are all girls, that will be functional until perhaps 3rd grade, but after that he will need boys for friends as most girls will stop associating with boys at that age. It's wise to keep cultivating buddies any way you can, inviting kids over for play dates and so forth as it becomes possible to do so.

It sounds like your DS has made great strides-- so this sounds like it's not a crisis, just another point where the landscape changes and it's time to re-evaluate your teaching strategies. Keep calm and hang in there.

It does sound like the teachers need to discuss the game they are playing. Maybe if they got them together and the kids agreed to the rules and came up with a 'safe' word. That way the zookeeper would know for sure whether the tiger was just playing the game or genuinely wanted them to stop.