Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments freaking out

Hey all,

I am well aware that I am preemptively freaking out. But I don't think it's necessarily unrealistic. So, we have our 5 year old DYS in an AMAZING school. Amazing. Like, we don't know how we found it - all day gifted, has peers, has a best friend...perfection in every way. BUT we might be moving. I say 'might' because hubby is getting his PhD this spring and so has been applying for jobs. Of course he is applying to places near said school, but there are only so many for astronomy. The fact is, it is pretty likely to very likely that we will have to move away from this area. Far enough away that commuting just isn't likely. And I'm freaking out about it. Because I see posts all the time about the struggles people have with their PG kids and schooling...and while I know we could theoretically homeschool, taking him away from amazing teachers and the social aspect of his peers is literally figuratively breaking my heart. (ok, definitely figuratively...but it is literally stressing me out to the breaking point). I feel like a move could destroy this amazing situation we have, but I KNOW that we might have to. I guess I'm just looking for support and...I don't know. How do you balance what 'you' need vs what 'your child' needs? There have to be options other places, right? but finding a best friend? a PG best friend that is your age and gets you and your interests and can keep up with you? THAT isn't something that is easy to find. And they go to school together now. Ugh, I'm babbling, I know...I just...I have talked to DH about this a million times and he understands but I guess I wanted to know that we would be ok from people who have been through this. Will we? Should we be trying to stay here no matter what job opportunities come up? What if that isn't a possibility?

Sorry for the word vomit. I'm just scared.

Let me just say up front that I haven't had to go through what you are facing, but I think it's reasonable for you to think about the possible concerns related to moving...and I do have some thoughts (take them as advice from someone who has NOT been there!).

I would start by thinking about what factors are most important to the overall wellbeing of your child. For example, a good relationship with parents who are able to be present physically and emotionally (because they're not stressed out by lengthy commutes, or work that is an unduly poor fit for their skills and passions). A perfect educational fit. A best friend (keeping in mind that 5 yo best friends may or may not continue into adulthood--and THEY move away sometimes).

And remember also that, as important as school and friends are, the world of a small child generally revolves around his family. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that, often, "your needs" are very significant to "your child's needs". If your family moves to a living or working situation that causes unreasonable stress for you and/or your spouse, that will cause distress to your child as well, which may supercede any benefit to be gained from school fit or best friend relationships. The adults are not necessarily being selfish, in thinking of meeting adult needs, because so much of a small child's happiness depends on his adults'.

Yes, but each imperfection adds to the loss of the potentiality at the highest end of achievement. Only by making each step perfect and keeping your balance on the tightrope for years on end can you arrive at the best possible future.

You may be "fine" but you will have fallen well short of your potential, and may ultimately become forever lost in the great sea of mediocrity.

Remember, each time you fail to achieve greatness, or even experience the slightest misfortune, many glorious possible outcomes are forever eliminated.

I completely understand your concern. We moved because of our jobs when DS was in 2nd grade. We moved from a very good district to another very good district. What we found was that both are lacking in gifted education, just in different ways. :-( Gifted education is definitely hit or miss as you move from one place to another.

But I want to offer just a couple of thoughts. First, as your hubby gets a job in a university, your family will live near a university and your kid will live go to a school where lots of parents work at the university. These people usually care a lot of education. What we found is that things are easy if the families in the school share similar values. In our school, parents offer an incredible array of academic opportunities that the school is not able to offer.

Another point that I want to make is that best friends don't have to have similar IQs. And as kids grow, friendships shift a lot. DS had a great friend for years who shared with DS a love for music and a serious pursuit for knowledge, but they are very different in favorite subjects, mode of learning and innate abilities (they are not as close anymore since they now go to different schools). DD has a best friend who is incredibly kind and sweet, but the two don't share much in intellectual pursuit. So I wouldn't worry about this if your family ends up in a community with a lot of families who care about education.

I understand the angst. We are likely to move with one DYS and one younger child who is also likely highly gifted+. It complicates things if you are not homeschooling and prefer not to be/can't be homeschooling.

However, there are other, positive stories out there. You hear a lot about our war stories because this is one of the few safe places to discuss them and to get advice. There are many combinations that can work for your child, particularly with an enriched overall environment.

This is a good time to reach out to other Davidson parents in the potential future locations and to get their perspectives on local options. Don't panic yet.

Children are resilient. As aeh says above, optimizing for the whole family rather than just one individual usually brings the best outcomes. Also, while it is nice to have a PG friend who shares common interests, as others note these may evolve and there is a great distance between 5 and adulthood.

Your child lives in a world with lots of typical people... While it is lovely to connect with others at the far ends of the spectrum, there is immense value to developing relationship skills and true friendships with 'ordinary' people, and to learning to navigate the broader world. A change in situation will be different, not necessarily worse. Also, it's been my observation that broad-based relationship skills are really good predictors of how happy, fulfilled and successful adult life will be for gifted people.



I would argue that this is far from the truth. Very often stumbles and falls teach resilience and a new perspective, and in fact they often provide a springboard to greater heights. Imperfections do not contribute to the loss of potential: they may in fact unleash it. Risk-taking is key for those who aspire to do great things... otherwise one ends up painting by numbers and focusing only on the next careful step.

Einstein did okay, after all.

I don't think JonLaw expects you to agree with all his statements. I am never quite sure whether he agrees with them either.

We're also exceedingly happy with our school but will have to move at some point. No choice, really.

We look for a location that maximizes success for each family member. That means giving up a good school for a job, or giving up a good job for lack of a school. Don't stay there for worse job prospects just for the school.

DS5 had his best friend move away last year. He still talks about him, but his social net has widened considerably as a result. Moving is a part of our life, and while it isn't easy, it isn't the end of the world. It also comes with great benefits and new opportunities.

Gosh, I feel for you. That is hard. It's hard to leave something that is working!

Just as a hopefully helpful story: I moved a lot as a kid, like 8 schools in 5 years moved a lot.

One day, I was asked how horrible it was. I responded honestly, it wasn't horrible. In fact, I happen to be really good at making friends quickly and dropping into established groups. I didn't have problems with cliques in high school. I could jump into any of them. All that moving around, that probably most psychologists would say is bad, actually really gave me a solid social skill in high school and adulthood. I really wanted friends when I moved, and that required me to be extra social. With most hardships, there is usually an upside. We just often can't see it in the moment. I'm sure my Mom fretted over the constant moves, in fact she has told me she did. I think my family kept my confidence up, which was also important.

Maybe this move will give your son something better in another way, closer to family or family friends, ocean sailing, knowledge of farming techniques, a space lab nearby, who knows what cool thing you will be moving toward as you leave something good behind.

Hang in there! You'll get it worked out.

I think we all need to find a balance between the needs and requirements of every family member.

I am a parent of a gifted 3rd grader in his 4th school, and we moved schools because of poor fit. As my child grew, his needs changed a lot and what was a good fit for preK was not a good fit for K and so on. My child had close friendships in all of his previous schools and was reluctant to leave one of his schools because he thought that he had worked very hard to fit into the popular group there and delayed the school change by several months. In hindsight, he tells me that his new school was a much better fit and that I should have put my foot down and pulled him out of the old school long ago!

Like Mom2Two, my DS has very strong social skills and has no problems making friends wherever he goes and he strikes a good rapport with his teachers in all his new schools. It seems like he is being extra social to fit in quicker. Moving also gave him a new school setting where for the first time he is in a group with multiple PG kids and he is challenged in a new way because he is no longer the only kid who had all the answers and he is listening to opinions and view points that are very thoughtful for the first time in his school life.

So, don't worry, your son will find a way to fit in anywhere you go and there will be more friendships to look forward to.