Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy For those with poor sleepers...

We try to emotionally scaffold DS9's sleep anxieties with various techniques used at various times including co-sleeping, cuddles at bedtime, and moving his mattress to the foot of our bed. Sometimes the techniques are used individually. During growth periods, all 3 are utilized. I really hate to ask this question because I tend to follow DS's lead on how to meet his emotional needs. But at what age are these techniques considered inappropriate? DS is emotionally immature, can one judge based on emotional development versus chronological age?

Of course, answers will vary, as we all come from different family and community cultures, with regard to co-sleeping and related practices.

For our family, actual co-sleeping fades from the repertoire just before puberty. Mattress at the foot of the bed is still an available tool for us during adolescence (for others, it probably depends a lot on how frequently it is used, and how you and your partner feel about its impact on adult time). We also use another intermediate strategy, which is sitting in the child's bedroom, next to or on the bed, keeping company. And I see no reason ever to end cuddles at bedtime, as long as mutually desirable.

Our DD10 and DD11 show up at our bedside after nightmares, and when they are stressed. It's rarer and rarer with the 11 year old, and she asks, "Am I too old to sleep in your bed?" I know they will soon decide it's not ok to sleep with us. I just hope they always snuggle at bedtime!!!!
My brother in law was not born in the US, and he is baffled by the backlash against co-sleeping. It is common in his country (as with many around the world).

DD11 has always been a terrible sleeper so we have tried just about everything except the mattress at the foot of our bed - no way she ever would have stayed there. With melatonin she is falling asleep easier and staying asleep but is still very, very active in her sleep. For years the routine was one of us laying next to her reading, turning off the light and staying there until she fell asleep. Clutching us. Occasionally there were short periods of time when she would let us leave after reading or even put herself to sleep without us reading but these tended to be short lived. We would find her walking around the house or hear her throwing herself into the wall as she rolled around in her sleep. We would hear talking, laughing, shouting, crying in her sleep. It was never restful and she frequently asked to sleep with me "in the big bed". We were willing to do almost anything in an effort to get her the sleep she needed.

I have spent the last year focused on identifying exactly what her multitude of LD and physical issues were and trying to determine if anything could be done about any of them. In the process we weaned her off migraine meds, got a clean bill of health on the anxiety and identified several new areas to remediate. We also got her school program functioning well to meet the needs of both her E's. In other words we are in the best shape we have ever been on this 2E journey. And yet DD decided on non school nights she was going to sleep with me. Period. I figured she has so much she has to deal with it was not a battle I was going to wage.

The first night of summer break she climbed into my bed declaring it a non school night - and she stayed the rest of the summer. At the age of 10 1/2. DH is very active overnight and never sleeps through. He watches tv, does artwork or even goes to campus to grade or work on a project in the middle of the night. When he gets tired he will fall asleep on the couch for a while. No he is never really rested but DD being in our bed didn't really affect him too much...

So now I have an 11 year old who only wants to sleep with me. Did I ever think I would allow this? No. But I'm not fighting her. I realize that while still restless and active in her sleep she is waking up seeming more rested. On the nights she has slept in her own bed recently she has more often than not woken up with me - not always remembering how she got there. She seems to sleepwalk less this way and if she sits up in her sleep she just lays back down rather then getting herself up to walk across the hallway to find me.

I figure pretty soon she will reach the age where she doesn't even want to acknowledge having a mother let alone wanting to spend time with me or sleep in my bed. While we have a good handle on things now I realize she still has a mighty full plate coping with all her challenges and if this makes things easier for her I'm willing to go with it. She is quite independent during her waking hours and always has been but when it comes to sleep she feels more comfortable having me there. She has no trouble sleeping over at friends' homes and wants to go to sleep away camp this summer so I'm thinking we're ok.

I realize you are dealing with a boy so that might change things, ie less likely to let an 11 year old boy sleep with me than an 11 year old girl. But at 9 I'm not so sure.

HTH

Portia, sent you a PM.

Have you considered a weighted blanket ?

Some may find a microwaveable heating bag or microwaveable heating pad to be comforting, especially when placed near the bottom of the sleep area to gently warm the feet. They can be purchased or instructions can be found online for making them. They are often filled with organic material such as dried corn, beans, or rice.

I feel for everyone with this issue! Unfortunately I have no good suggestions, just sympathy.

I still sit with my kids (DD11 and DS8) for them to fall asleep. DD was able to fall asleep on her own for a while, but then developed anxiety and would panic without me (or DH) sitting on her bed. She also has a sleep story she listens to, lavender spray and a night light. She's also a night-owl and doesn't typically fall asleep before 11pm - and we have tried many things to push this back.

DS8 'needs' to have my arm on him to fall asleep - fortunately he goes to bed earlier and faster than DD. But he still does come to our bed in the night - although this has been gradually been getting later, with more time spent in his own bed. I've tried taking him back to his bed but I'm either too sleepy to pull this off, or I end up sleeping uncomfortably in his bed with him.

Our psychologist suggested that if we wanted things to change we should gradually move out of the room at bedtime (ie. sit further away on the bed, then not on the bed, then by the door, then outside the door). Have not been able to implement this yet however. :-(

I could have written pemberley's post. We have all the sleep issues and most of the related behavior that she mentioned. What I have started doing this summer with my 8 year old DS is to sit with him at bedtime and do some guided meditation and deep breathing with him - I talk to him about an imaginary place (like the wide open ocean) and ask him to imagine swimming in those waters while taking deep breaths in and out. I will change the locale very often to keep it from getting old. It has greatly helped to calm him down and he falls asleep in 30 minutes while it might have taken an hour+ before.

I cut off all screens for him because our pediatrician thought that he might be more sensitive to the blue light from screens - we noticed a huge difference in calming down during sleep time without iPads and laptop use.

I ensure that he has hours of physical activity - almost 3 hours of outside play (school recesses, school basketball, daily PE etc) followed by one after-school sports class that is rigorous and monitored by a coach (includes conditioning as well as cardio). On Sundays, when we take a day off his sports routine, there is more restlessness in sleep. We also hike and bike as a family when we have some downtime. That adds to his weekly exercise as well as reduces anxiety levels.

I believe that kids will reach a stage where they can fall asleep by themselves (I am an optimist!) in their teens. Until then, we need to scaffold the ones with severe sleep problems.

ITA regarding the importance of physical activity and cutting off screen time at least 1 hour before bedtime.

I also agree with the physical activity/screen time cut-off. I regret it every time when I fail on this.

Also for our DS8, we do NOT do a bath just before bedtime. It is not only not soothing - it absolutely winds him up what with all the sensations and water experiments and interesting trains of thought you can have when you are totally underwater except for your nose. Bath must be before dinner on bath nights or else we just skip it. Don't know if this would apply to your child.

Also - we saw a dramatic improvement in willingness to go to bed on his own when we got a dog that sleeps with him every night. In fact the dog helped in about a thousand different ways....

Occasional melatonin helps when we've GOT to get him to sleep and routine is all messed up. But I have to give it to him early in the evening or there's no getting him up in the morning.

To answer your question more directly - I can't see that any cut-off of necessary scaffolding would be the right answer, partly for a kid we all know is highly asynchronous. Lack of sleep only makes everything worse. If the scaffolding starts to feel wrong to you and/or your child, probably the right answer is re-investigating why it's needed. I say "re-investigating" because I have no doubt you're constantly working on this and all the other myriad stuff your kiddo needs!