Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Feeling heartbroken for DS

DS6 is a complicated little fellow. He is HG and we are currently looking into whether he is also ASD and/or ADHD. He has so much desire to be social and interact with other kids, but he lacks in the skills of how to do it. Last night he brought some books home from school, and in one was a form to fill out "What I wish my teacher knew . . ." and he said he wished she knew how sad it made him when he has no one to play with on the playground, and could she help him find some friends to play with.

Today is his last day of school for the year, and I paid a bit more attention to him on the playground when I dropped him off and before the morning bell went. Some kids were playing tag or chase or something, and he was running around trying to play too, and he was getting rejected. He had this big smile on his face as he tried to get someone to chase him, and the girl just turned her back on him. Then he just kind of had a bemused look on his face, and the bell went. On a normal morning I would probably just glance and see him running around and think all was well. He doesn't open up to me very much about things that go on at school. Occasionally he will mention something about not having many friends or having his feelings hurt. I asked him last night how he felt things were going on the playground and he said not great. He is accelerated a year and switched schools this year, so he was joining a new class and he is 1-2 years younger than his classmates. So I think overall he is doing well, and we are very proud of him. But I guess he is struggling socially. Anyway, I came home and cried. I know life can't be smooth all the time, but it is so hard to watch!

I'm sorry you and your DS are going through this. I sent you a PM.

I can't offer any advice better than you will get from others, but I can say that you all aren't alone in going through this. Our DD10 asked a couple of years ago if she could have a "friendship therapist" so she could get help making friends. It about broke my heart. DD is also grade accelerated so she is with older kids as well, but she just doesn't find many kids who have her same interests. She just told me today that she thinks she gets along better with 7th graders (who would be 2-4 years older than her). It's tough - I see lots of people post here about their kids trying to find their "peeps". What I have done is look for outside activities where she can have fun. In addition, she now has many enjoyable electives in middle school.
I hope you get lots of good ideas the next few days.

At one point, when DD was about 8 and being homeschooled, I was desperate enough to start a meetup play group for gifted kids. I reached out to a local talented and gifted group, posted to local relevant mailing lists, arranged to reserve a room at the library next to a part, and brought games and snacks. We met every couple of weeks and the kids would play while us parents kvetched and shared our unique woes.

I couldn't keep it going all by myself for very long (we had a major accident in our household and it was just too much) but in the mean time, DD connected with another very bright girl and they've been friends ever since.

Don't give up. Sure it'd be great if every kid made lots of friends at school, but school isn't the only place in the world.

Thanks green lotus and Ivy, DS does do some extension programs over school holidays and occasionally on a term weekend, and he does seem to be able to find a friend for the day, and I know he does have some friends at school. I guess it is hard too, when I know he is at school so many hours a day, to picture him feeling uncomfortable or left out.

I remember being a bit socially awkward myself, but I had a couple close friends over the years, and that was enough for me to satisfy my friend needs. I hope he will find one or two kids to get on well with, and then I think he should be okay.

That mental picture of his eager face and then being blanked is still hard to take though.

Thanks again for listening and sharing, it really does help.

In those early school years, my DS struggled at times. I didn't realize then that it was being out of sync with the age peers. Perhaps your son is still not matched with the right peers, or it's general asynchrony, or maybe he would benefit from some assistance from the guidance counselor. DS did a few sessions because he didn't get the whole rough-housing attitude of a certain classmate (who, incidentally, is actually gifted and his friend years later). He also struggled when the younger kids didn't want to play more intricate games on the playground, and we talked a lot about how to join games (tough when shy), compromise, how to find out what you have in common with another, etc. Around 8, he was able to make more fitting connections. It's tough knowing things are hard for your kid.

Aww, sending love to you and your DS. A synchrony is so hard! My DS4 is better suited to children twice his age or older interest-wise, but he is physically age typical or only slightly advanced. Don't underestimate the value of his having a loving, playful parent.