Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Psychomotor OE or just terrible two?

Psychomotor OE or just terrible two? Background if you don't know: I have two boys... first is mellow, rule-follower, easy-going PG DS5...and then there's the little brother. A little over 2 years old. No idea if he's gifted...he's verbally precocious for sure, and clearly a bright kid... but he has SO MUCH INTENSITY. Because older DS has always been easy-going, calm, and rational, I'm not sure if just don't know what a 'normal' two year old personality is like, or if DS2 is more extreme than just normal two. Saying that I want to throw him through the wall often is probably not the best way to start, lol. But it's true. He understands everything, but doesn't like to listen; he is dramatic, he argues, he tantrums....and it's all...it's just so much. Even positive emotions, happy and excited is a lot. He just has so much aggressive, emotional energy...and is a jumping, leaping, tumbling, tackling maniac. (Funnily enough, he is also the one that turns everything into a magic wand and insists that he is Princess Anna, haha). In short, he's exhausting. I don't know what else to do, besides try and get through it. Time outs don't work. Yelling doesn't work. Talking quietly to try and calm doesn't work. It's just constant....extreme, in your face intensity. I don't know how else to describe it. I see other kids and even when they are energetic, they don't seem to have the kind of all-encompassing extremity of personality and physicality. Or maybe I just want an excuse for having trouble keeping it together. Tell me I'm not crazy. Tell me it gets better.

it's been a rough few weeks.

Marnie, hugs.

I'm afraid my answer to your question, though, is...probably both. We too had an easy-going, happy-go-lucky, easily disciplined (basically didn't need any discipline beyond a disappointed look) first child. And then we had another one. Might not be exactly like yours, but this is our story:

During the toddler years (beginning, like a light switch, right around the third birthday), daily (or multiple-times-daily) tantrums with 45 minute time-outs were a regular part of our lives, for about 18 months. We did use time-outs, but they weren't exactly conventional ones (which would have been three minutes long, after all), but more like actual time-outs--a break in the action, to give time for calming down, and returning to a place where the child could exercise self-control, practice self-soothing strategies, and talk rationally about what happened before-during-after, cause-and-effect, and alternative behaviors for future situations. I spent countless hours sitting outside the door, repeatedly cueing for self-soothing and replacement behaviors (an illuminating exercise in patience, self-soothing, and self-control for myself!), until #2 calmed down enough to ask for support, at which point we sat in time-out together until emotional regulation and rationality returned enough to talk out the precipitating incident, alternative responses to it, and any consequences that now would ensue (mainly in the area of restitution and repair of relationships).

After a year and a half of this (and though we were by no means perfect at implementing it with fidelity every time, I think there was enough consistency and stubborn determination on our part as parents), the tantruming and emotional overflow underwent a noticeable decrease, most likely as a joint consequence of patiently training in self-regulation/self-soothing skills and natural development. We still had (and have!) an emotionally intense, passionate, physical child, but a measure of emotional regulation has developed, and continues to develop. Recently, this child mentioned positive memories of sitting in time-out together, being comforted, and coached through coping skills. And I've seen #2 practice them independently--actually more effectively than #1, who has needed them so rarely that they are not fluently accessible in those instances when they are called on.

BTW, for those moments when one feels like throwing them out the window, 1) take a time-out for yourself; it's highly unlikely that something truly bad will happen to him inside your house, if you lock yourself in the bathroom for ten minutes--it's probably more likely that you'll say something you regret, if you don't; 2) remember that this too shall pass...eventually. Someday you will be laughing like a hyena, or lifting a sardonic eyebrow, when he complains about his emotionally intense and exhausting toddler. (I know this to be true, based on my mother's response to two of her children's complaints about her grandchildren.) 3) this is why God makes toddlers so cute!

ETA: Oh, and yes, it does get better.

Funny story...

When DD was 3 she threw some sort of fit (don't remember what it was about) and we told her to take a break in her room. She stomped upstairs (we have a two-story house), slammed her bedroom door, we heard some banging around, etc. A few min. later, guess who walked through our patio door, which was on the main level? DD. She had fallen, or jumped, out of her bedroom window from the second story, and then got up and walked back in the house through the back door. For years afterwards, we had her window locked so it couldn't slide open more than several inches without a key. I was debating putting bars on her window. It's not like she didn't have a window screen, she just opened her window, climbed on the sill, and went right through it.

She was claiming her stomach hurt, and I was a little freaked out so called the on-call doc, who acted like it was no big deal and I had said that DD just had a headache or fell off her tricycle. Like toddlers jump out their window everyday?

There were so many other episodes. When DS was around 3 I took him to a developmental ped and had to fill out a parent inventory and it listed "high parental stress" as one of the results. The high parental stress had nothing to do with DS (who is my "easy" one), it was from DD who about 4-5 at the time.

She does have ADHD and impaired EF so I can't claim that all the intensity and energy vanished. It's an ongoing saga. But it does get easier.

Oh my goodness, blackcat! That's insane!!!

I think aeh's #2 and my DS share some similar behaviours, and aeh and I have used similar parenting strategies.

My DS is energetic, and he gives a good fight. Around 3 was when the monster meltdowns began happening (thankfully, that phase has since passed!). It coincided with a period of existential angst and colourful, imaginative language in an attempt to regain control in a situation where his emotions were running amok. I remember one occasion when DS was early 3 where I was putting him in his room to decompress after his lashing out at me repeatedly. He looked at me icily and said something to the effect of, "I want to decapitate you and watch you bleed to death."

I'm relieved to say that murderous ideation has not evolved to be a hallmark of DS' coping mechanisms! Now, he will say: "I feel so frustrated that...", or "I am so angry that I could explode because..."

Yeah, it is rough. I personally have taken up meditation. No, I am not one of those who was just waiting for an excuse to take up meditation.
Obviously since I frequent this site I believe my DD 3 1/2 is extremely bright, but she is one of the intense ones. that intensity is often hilarious, entertaining, awe inspiring, cute, but then at mid night..... No Go to bed!!!

There are also the melt downs:
No, I want you to pick me up...
No don't pick me up...
No, I want you to pick me up...
No, don't pick me up...
Then it degrade from there.

It does help to realize that she is frustrated too.

Now my dd will even start saying herself, "I know I need to control my emotions, but is so hard." I do realize when she is saying this that she really is trying very hard to control her emotions, but they are just too big for her.

One analogy that I read about gifted kids is the funnel theory. With kids like my daughter who understand the world very well, they take in far too much information that is far too emotionally challenging for them to handle. They understand real very bad things that can happen, but they do not have the life experience to understand probability. Yes this bad thing might happen, but it is not very likely.

We have the reverse. #1 Intense. #2 Mellow
The intense DS is 4.5 and is still intense but wow has life completely changed and we feel that for the first time in 4.5 years, our life is sort of...normal. And yes, I mean 4.5 years because from the day he was born (aww I still love thinking about that day) he was intense.
Yesterday, he watched a space documentary, jumping and leaping through the house telling us how exciting it was and all of the facts he was learning. The intensity is about some things now and not EVERYTHING. #2 has hour long tantrums but is mellow aside from that. #1 had two hour long tantrums and was never mellow. I can't tell if #2 is gifted, he's 2.5 at the moment. I literally have no idea, friends comment on his language and I just have no way of seeing it, my frame of reference is skewed.
You will get through it and if he is gifted, you've already got a head start on what to do!

OP,

You have just described our DD at 18 months. She was an incredibly tetchy baby - I once saw her do a full pull up at about 10 months during a particular rage fest. We had to swaddle her to get her to sleep - just a very trying time.

At 18 months she became even more intense - I hoped that she was precocious (how little I knew at the time LOL) that it was the terrible twos and that it would pass quickly. It wasn't and it didn't - if anything, it got worse until about 3 years old she acquired a modicum of control over herself.

She is still intense and I am dreading puberty but I am intense too and when we are both 'on' about something cool at the same time it is a time of indescribable joy!

Hang in there :-)

DD5 didn't go through the terrible two stage until she was three. Maybe she was/is actually delayed in that area.

She was much better during the summer months when she was getting a lot of sleep. Now that school has started and all, she's starting to get difficult again but she seems to be more self-aware about the need for emotional regulations and that makes a big difference.

So, yes, it does get better but don't underestimate the power of adequate sleep and exercise for children like your DS2.

My ODS now almost five is an incredibly intense child. Nothing is ever enough, and at age 2, I was the parent wondering what I must have done wrong to get such a busy child who just didn't seem to flow like the more mellow kids. Low and behold, YDS age 2 is the easy-going, quiet kid that keeps himself busy and rolls with things.

I think personality makes a big difference, and the active, intense ones have lots of personality. Lots of energy. Lots of needs. At age 2, it's just weathering the storm.

What helped ODS was consistancy (in discipline, in keeping promises, etc.). He needs to know what is going to happen and when, so a two-year-old who doesn't have the capacity to ask and figure out what's happening can react badly. ODS learned to read the clock very early, and it made a huge difference. We had a strict routine and talked about it through the day. Lots of warnings about transitions. And lots of timeouts when needed.

Good luck! Three was much better for us (reading the clock and the calendar helped so much).