Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School Issues with making friends

DD7 has started a new school this year in a full-time gifted program in a combined 3/4 class. The first month of school went great, not 1 complaint about kids being mean or hurting her feelings or any of that stuff, but the honeymoon period has ended
For the last 2 weeks she has started coming home with stories of the other girls (there are 6 of them in a class of 23 kids and she is 1 of 2 3rd grade girls) being mean to her and hurting her feelings. Sometimes they tell her that she can't be with them because they have to discuss 4th grade stuff, other times they say stuff that indicates that she is too young to understand or behave they way they want her to. Most recently, it has been that they decided they needed to be completely honest with each other about how everyone is acting, so when they think DD is being defensive (which is apparently all the time), they tell her to stop being defensive or she can't play with them.
This is DD's 4th year in school and her 3rd school because we moved and she got into this program, and every time we have the same problems. So, knowing DD's speech pattern, which often sounds like she is a know it all, and the fact that she is used to hanging out with kids older than her because her older sister has lots of friends that we do things with, not to mention that she is highly opinionated, I can not believe that DD is innocent of having anything to do with these problems.
My issue is that I have given her lots of advice about how to deal with these girls, as well as to think before she speaks, and everything else I can possibly think of. I have obviously not come up with the solution, since it is still happening. I don't want DD to end up with no friends, and I want her to learn how to be a good friend. Any suggestions?

Keep in mind that girls are very cliquish starting around fourth grade. To try to "break in" may be more difficult in a smaller school. Getting to know the other girls' mothers could help give you some insight about what the girls are into and maybe clue your daughter into what's going to gain her access to them.

How does she do with the boys?

The reason I ask is my DS (8) seems to have better luck with the girls in his charter than the boys. He's a sensitive type that isn't into rough-housing and sports so much. The boys also don't want to talk as much about things other than sports.

When he first started in his charter, he tried to hang out with the guys, but there just wasn't a good fit. Some of the girls were bossy and that didn't work for him, either. I told him to spend time with the kids that he had the most in common with; regardless of their sex or age.

Perhaps your DD would get along with some of the boys?

Possibly the book The Unwritten Rules of Friendship may be of interest.

Check out some of the "American Girl" books on making friends, dealing with bullying, etc. Like this one. http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Girls-Guide-Friendship-popularity/dp/1609582233/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=1S0RFRJY81E8TBP2Q4KT&dpID=41TpbmEUY1L&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL320_SR184%2C320_

Girls this age can be very obnoxious. One of the girls in DD's fourth grade gifted class last year was a target. Now this year, the dynamic has changed and the "Queen Bee" appears to have left the school and the other girls are behaving much more nicely, apparently.

At this grade level, I would contact the teacher and ask for help. There may also be a school counselor who assists with these issues, even sometimes they will help teaching social skills.

Yeah, I'd mention it to the teacher. And, if it feels right, get DD to pick a couple of the girls she likes the best and invite them, separately, for some sort of cool play dates (a kind of divide and conquer plus bribery combo)

The mention of "queen bees" by another poster upthread brought to mind the book: Queen Bees and Wannabees. The bottom of the Amazon page for this book displays books with related themes. You may wish to be cautious in approaching other parents as there are Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads, who remain entrenched in the "popularity contest".

In this age category, I prefer Little Girls Can Be Mean to Queen Bees and Wannabees, although each has its points. I also love The Unwritten Rules of Friendship, mentioned above.

I've read the Queen Bee books, as well as Little Girls can be mean. I will check out the unwritten rules this week.

Thanks for the suggestions. We've been dealing with mean girl attitude for a couple of years now and it is amazing how young this behavior starts in some kids.

I will also contact the teacher and see what she can do to help as well.