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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,897
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,897 |
how much longer is the activity (weeks? months?)
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,428
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OP
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,428 |
There are all sorts of angles could be happening here. For instance, some adults are simply more mellow about overlooking back-talk (you stated above that he does talk back at home sometimes and you ignore it) .That's a totally legitimate way of dealing with it, but it doesn't make the behavior acceptable. It's possible that your ds has acted this way with other adults and he's now getting called on it simply because he's run into a supervising adult with a low frustration level for it.
OTOH, it's also possible that your ds is acting entirely different around this particular adult than he does around other adults - and if he is, there may be a reason for it - maybe the adult is the problem. If that's the case, you might seriously need to consider pulling him from the activity if there isn't a way to avoid the adult. I may sound too cautious about that, but I have known kids who've been hurt (physically and emotionally) by adults who took advantage of power in a situation like this. I am not saying that's going on at all - just saying that if you're seeing atypical behavior in one situation with one adult - it could be the adult that's the issue. This is insightful and I think both scenarios are a real possibility. I am actually a little worried. The most contentious point may be that the activity needs this particular child in order to be competitive and therefore it would be "stupid of them" to expel a child for back-talk and poor behavior. Yes, okay, that was poor wording. The irony is, I say this in part due to the pressure that has been put on my son to win and achieve at this activity. Winning is VERY important to the adults in this activity. As an update, DS did this activity today and apparently was an angel. I guess we put the fear of God into him. However, I don't know if this will last. BTW, the activity will continue for many months and this is the only place/way DS can do it. It's tricky.
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 3,298
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Joined: Sep 2007
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The irony is, I say this in part due to the pressure that has been put on my son to win and achieve at this activity. Winning is VERY important to the adults in this activity. How important is the activity to your son? How much does he care about winning?
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,035
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I didn't read the empty threat statement the way others did. If it is an empty threat it is more problematic really. Ds8 got to go on a reward trip at school last year even though he hadn't met the criteria. I would have preferred they had got him to meet the criteria (which they could have) as the lesson he learnt was not a good one.
Can you sit in on the activity sometimes?
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 639
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The irony is, I say this in part due to the pressure that has been put on my son to win and achieve at this activity. Winning is VERY important to the adults in this activity. How important is the activity to your son? How much does he care about winning? I will also add some questions to Val's : How does your son respond to being under pressure? Does he realize that entering a high pressure competition is an "option"? Does he realize that it is "OK" to learn a skill and not be competitive? Signed, Mom who pulled her son out of the high pressure "competitive music" circuit PS: I know that you said that this is the only way to do the activity, so your son may also understand that and be under more pressure because of that.
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Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 313
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Do you think your DS' behaviors are acceptable? Do you feel your DS is being unfairly treated?
It doesn't have to be one or nothing. If you think the behavior isn't acceptable, you can stop for one week and regroup after that.
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 647
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Posts: 647 |
Was the adult threatening expulsion over the "I wasn't kicking it, i accidentally hit it with my knee" comment? I guess I'm in the minority here, but that doesn't sound disrespectful to me if it was true. Unwise, perhaps, given the personality issues--but he's a little boy.
It would seem like a pretty harsh consequence for a small mistake.
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Joined: Aug 2010
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How important is the activity to your son? Very. He loves it in a pure sense. How much does he care about winning? Enh. Middling. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Not as much as many do. I have thought about whether there is any way to really do this activity without the competition. Not really. It's quite tricky. What we did was starting at age 4, we taught about respect every single adult. Even if they are wrong. Even if you don't want to do what they say. Even if what they say is the stupidest thing you ever heard. You need to obey (this referred to her parents too) I get why you did this. But it's a hard one for me philosophically, and safety-wise. I don't want my child to feel he/she must obey every adult unquestioningly. That frightens me.
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Joined: Apr 2009
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I have a literal-minded DD, who would totally say, "I wasn't kicking, I hit it with my knee." She wouldn't mean it disrespectfully (though I can't make any claims to her being a respectful sort of child to begin with -- fortunately, her teachers seem to feel she's just fine), but rather as a necessary clarification of an incorrect statement. On another note, I continually drum into DS the need to make a good first impression because adults tend to take that impression and run with it. I remember a class in high school where the teacher took a liking to me, and afterward I could do no wrong, and at the same time took a disliking to a boy in the class, who then could do no right -- and it made no difference if we were both doing the same thing. Naturally I was happy to take advantage of it, but I thought it a bit unfair to the boy. 
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Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,733
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What we did was starting at age 4, we taught about respect every single adult. Even if they are wrong. Even if you don't want to do what they say. Even if what they say is the stupidest thing you ever heard. You need to obey (this referred to her parents too). And after you have at least attempted to obey, you may ask a question for clarification to be sure you understand and be sure your way isn't ok . Sorry this just made me cringe. Obedience is something you train a dog or an animal to do unquestioningly not a child. Blinded obedience, obeying every single adult - sorry, but yikes. But hey in my inlaws' religion this is not only expected of children it is expected of wives to their husbands... Creepy ... But I digress. I am a proponent however of respect... And I'm joining Eco in the minority - The adult sounds like a douche (and I don't think I've ever used that word before!) sorry I don't have much advice .. I like the idea of you sitting down with guy and talking it out. Good luck!
Last edited by Irena; 09/11/15 08:24 PM.
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