Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional how would you handle this

Hi All -some know the saga with my DS5 - he was in a not so great environment for awhile - long story and yes, I feel like smacking myself for not making changes much, much sooner....he is the poster child for being a 2e child and the last year we have seen a huge change in everything about him. He was in a Montessori school for over 3 years and one of his teachers was awesome and his latest he has had for a year has been pretty bad - she did nothing to meet his needs emotionally or intellectually and played a lot of power trips on him...the year he was with her, we saw his spunk for exploring disappear, his love of learning completely go to zero, his self-esteem hit the floor and he was just a very unhappy child. She actually told me more times than I can count in front of him that I should stop allowing him to read at home or do certain activities at home with him because he is so far advanced over all the other children and she was worried she would have no materials left to teach him for next year. The whole 4 year old year for him, he pretty much begged her to do a huge array of montessori activities and she told him he was not allowed to do them until he turned 5 - for about 6 months, all I heard from him was that he "wished he was 5 year old smart" so he could do those activities (which we have come to find out where supposed to be introduced to 4 year olds and in his new Montessori school we have found and love they have informed us that he is actually behind in some lessons because she kept withholding them from him)..and to this day, I still have to reassure him that it is okay that he likes to play boardgames that show the ages that are higher than him because he is so concerned now about his age....the other month in the bookstore he really wanted to get a new collection of readers but he asked me would Mrs. so-and-so (his teacher) get angry that he was reading...I was furious to know that she has totally messed up my child. We yanked him out of the school about 4 weeks ago after an incident that left my child hysterical and sobbing that he hated school and never wanted to go back there again...and the director knows we were furious....well today, his teacher wrote me this email acting totally clueless as to why he was pulled (obviously the director did not show her our letter we wrote explaining why)...

so I am asking, should I be upfront and honest and explain exactly why we pulled our child and explain the damaging things she said and did so that she doesn't do it to another child or do we just bite our tongue and act like nothing happened? What would you do?

You are paying money for this Montessori school right? IMHO they should listen to your concerns. I think if you already wrote to the director she should show it to the teacher. If it makes you feel better to reply to the teacher's e-mail then do so. I'm not sure if it will prevent her from treating another child that way, but you never know.
Sorry you and your DS had to go through all of this.
moni

This will probably sound very alarmist.
Personally, I would not continue to communicate with the school until contacting a psychologist and, based on what the psychologist has to say, possibly a lawyer.
Maybe I am just too steamed by your story, but I don't understand how a teacher can get away with traumatizing a child this way (or any way). I am talking about having some validation and force behind requesting to get this teacher either the proper training or removed from the profession, I am not talking about a lawsuit.
On the bright side, kids are extremely resilient and with the proper re-enforcement I am sure he will bounce back to his old self. I just hate thinking of him actually crying over this terrible teacher's negative attitude about learning.

oh Belle, I am so very sorry.

We have had issues with teachers and our now DS8 which I won't go into

but I know how much it hurts your heart to see your bright sparkly child's ligt dim.

Love him lots, be the wonderful parent that you are and support him in his love of learning - just for who he is.

and we all do the best we can do at the time.

I would say something to her about it. I felt like I wasted an opportunity to educate my son's Kindergarten teacher about learning differences, but I was lacking confidence.

It wasn't until I had homeschooled my son for a year and had proof of his differences that I started trying to get the school to make changes for kids who are twice exceptional. The older teachers at our public school, including my son's former Kindergarten teacher, refuse to change. I know this from talking to the mother of my son's gifted friend. She is a special education teacher at this school and I didn't know until I met her that she also had training in gifted education. She didn't think it was fair how we were treated by the school, and she thought we should have been able to do part time school, but in the end there was nothing she or I could do about our education system. There just aren't enough people that care about this where we live and there are too many teachers at our school who think making outside the box kids fit in the box is more important than helping them to feel comfortable with their differences and providing an opportunity to reach their potential. It is a losing battle. We are far outnumbered by teachers and administrators who don't want to make changes for those few children like mine who are outside the box.

Since your child is no longer a student in the Montessori in question and you don't have to worry about the teacher taking it back at him, I would write a detailed e-mail to the teacher explaining why you pulled your son out. I would talk about the great years he had in the school and compare them to his last year horrible experience.

I would cc the director of the school.

There are times when getting an apology from the person who harmed you can do a world of good in a very short time.

I suggest that you think about telling her exactly why you pulled your son from the school, with a cc to the director and maybe a cc to at least two people higher up in the Montessori chain (regional? national? I don't know about their hierarchy).

Remember, these schools are private and depend on tuition to stay in business. Bad recommendations from unhappy parents can kill a school, and they know this.

If she was violating a written Montessori policy, she and the school have an obligation to say "Sorry, what we did was wrong. If you were able to do the age 5 stuff, we should have let you. We made a big mistake and that was wrong."

Hearing these words from authority figures could do him a huge amount of good and help him see that sometimes even grownups make mistakes.

Note, if this were to happen, it might be prudent to know EXACTLY what she's going to say beforehand to ensure that the apology is optimally worded.

Sometimes it's good to kick up a little dust for the sake of the kid, know what I mean? And you might spare the next one the same suffering yours went through at the same time.

Val