Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion globally gifted how much is too much

hello - just wondering from those who have got globally gifted kids what limits you put on activities. DD4 has just had a mini explosion and we are seeing the "real" stuff now.
So far she does music and gymnastics, plus her regular gifted kindy and playgroup - so that is something 5 days a week ( even though sometimes it's an hour a day) we are now seeing some real skill at drawing (profound)that really should not be ignored, I'm thinking of getting her into a art club of some sort rather than tuition - she doesn't enjoy "being taught". Not sure if we can just leave it? I have issues with a lack of confidence in art stemming from thinking I didn't belong in an artistic community. So I can admit to being a bit overly sensitive to this.

She also has interests in crafting, outdoors etc. So we are
looking at girl guides shortly (she can't join until she is 5). And... she wants to do Tae kwan do, which given her perfectionism and fastidious nature I think would be very good for her.

How much is too much, before I had kids I was always saying "oh you know those parents that run their kids from one activity to the next - they should just slow down, kids don't need it" now I'm eating my words. She isn't passionate about piano but she has natural ability and I want her to keep it up -she does like it.

I'm already getting strange looks and you're a bad parent vibes from people about her current schedule. I know she could handle it because she is bored witless when she's not doing anything. She is not great at entertaining herself, but she is getting better.

How do you choose which activities to pursue, how much to spend, etc. At 4 I'm well aware that she could just as easily do nothing and pick an interest later on without harming her potential, but I think everyone here knows that isn't going to happen. I really don't want to be a taxi driver, and I don't want to feel like DD is my special project to make super human. It's just that well, I think she'd really like more.

She starts school in 6 months, so I would love for her to have a sensible amount of things by then. The thought of home schooling her so she could do her extra curric has definitely popped into my head but my DH thinks that is just about the worst idea he has ever heard, ever.

Anyway I'm probably just needing to put out there what's going on so I can some perspective and realise how first world problem it all is!

How do you choose which activities to pursue, how much to spend, etc.


Well, I try to look at the developmental arc that I can see, and recognize what it needs to look like at {theoretical endpoint}, while understanding that I don't control everything.

Some of the things that were concerning to us in making this determination:

• DD hated formal instruction, and it was better for her to NOT have a perfectionistic/graded/judged construct for a lot of activities-- so sports that had win/lose components, or scoring? Not so much.
• Sensory issues-- DD needed to be pushed in directions that made her UNCOMFORTABLE, because she naturally avoided such things.
• Developmentally, DD needed little encouragement to "entertain herself" (but in the instance mentioned above-- I'd strongly consider that a developmental NEED) since she tended to live in her own head a little too much, if anything-- so tolerating crowds and noise were a thing, at least for her.
• Follow-through was a point that we emphasized with our DD-- that adding/dropping activities like mad was not a great way to live, generally speaking, and that there is a special relationship with activities/individuals that we've lived with for a long time. It was important to us that DD experience that very normal cycle of love-frustration-indifference-habit-love-frustration-loathing-indifference-habit-love with a few things, just to develop a good work ethic. Most children develop that through academics, but that's not likely with an HG child. I quail to consider what her college entry would have been like without the discipline and mental fortitude imposed by 10 years of piano. It needs to be something HARD that they love intrinsically for it to be a good candidate for this particular lesson, IMO.

Hmm-- costs. Well, those are whatever seems affordable and realistic and ethical to your own family. Being aware of this being a 1st world problem is the first step to judiciousness, there, I think.

I do understand the pull of wanting to FEED POTENTIAL.

The problem is, it's not really mine to feed. DD is unwilling to much be guided, also-- so as soon as we FED an interest, or seemed overly invested in having her pursue something? She'd drop it. From reading here, I gather that this is a not-uncommon feature in high-autonomy HG+ kiddos. It's exasperating as all get-out for parents, since they need expensive/unusual materials to follow interests, but as soon as you provide them, they shut down because you're too involved. (Ugh.)

Talents in art etc don't go away. Supplying nice materials is probably better than telling a 4 year old how to create. I decide stuff based on cost and time because both time and money are in short supply. There is no need for a 4 year old to do everything. Choose one or two.

Also when she goes to school will haveba lot less time and energy.

Indeed. I've referred to this as something like The Dark Side of having a gifted child, especially one globally gifted. It's so easy to see their abilities, and where they could end up, and give in to the temptation to push them towards some goal that can be roughly described as "greatness." That temptation is always there, calling to you, and requires jedi-like discipline to resist.

In our DD9's case, we nudged her into various activities with one important goal: she must do SOMETHING that she shows some natural talent for, but is difficult, nobody can do right away, takes practice, and then yields positive results. This promotes a growth mindset, which is contrary to her natural proclivity to perfectionism. We didn't necessarily care which activity that would be, we just knew that academics weren't going to be helpful in developing this growth mindset for a few years, and in the meantime, we needed an alternative.

Those activities have involved, over the years: dance, gymnastics, soccer, guitar, flute, choir, drama, songwriting, art, and robotics. In each case we got DD to buy into giving it a try... some came at her initial request, some at ours. She was not allowed to drop something when it got hard... each activity came with a certain commitment period, and she had to complete that commitment before she could consider dropping it, so she couldn't drop soccer until the season ended, gymnastics and dance were purchased 3 months at a time, etc, drama couldn't end until the play performance, etc.

But here's the key: once that commitment period ended, DD had the option to continue or not. In this way, she is in charge of her development.

As for overscheduling, we use two barometers to measure whether there might be a problem there:

1) How is mood regulation going? If DD is having meltdowns of increasing frequency and intensity, that's a sign she needs more downtime.

2) What is the schedule for free play looking like? DW and I ascribe to the notion that free play is at least as important as any other activity in developing children in all domains: social, intellectual, creative, emotional, etc. At age 4 DW and I acted as guardians of free play, and actively promoted it. Now at age 9, DD has internalized the message that play has value for its own sake, and she is ready to let us know when she notices its lack, in ways that aren't explosive.

Because DD is aware of her needs for free play, and how it conflicts with her desire to do a great many things, she regularly swaps in and out various activities. For example, this year she swapped out drama and swapped in soccer. She originally decided to drop robotics so she could do band and choir, which we thought was a very mature decision... and then she opted into robotics anyway. She's handing the workload pretty well. Soccer is on an official hiatus until January, but her coach arranged for some optional friendly games and continued practices. DD opted out, citing her desire for a favorite free play activity that conflicts with her soccer practice schedule.

The Dark Side tempts me to push her further in guitar (which her and I could do together) and soccer (an excellent prospect for a potential college scholarship), but she has prioritized flute (of which I know nothing) and gymnastics (I'm privately horrified over injury potential) over those instead. We've allowed her to take the lead.

I would leave the art alone. Give her great materials and look at info online--Pinterest has nice stuff by good art teachers on how to instruct kids in art. You won't find much of anything IRL to be all that useful at this age anyway. Trust me. Real "instruction" in art is hard to come by for kids twice her age.


I'm a little concerned by this bit. I'd say, with a multipotential child like this, find the passion. Even if it's not in the area of most ability. I know--not very Tiger of me. DS is very talented at chess and moderately above average in sports, but he loves them both about the same. I don't think either one is going to get him into college or whatever, so if he chooses sports, so be it. Similar benefits, IMO. DD is great at art and really not so great musically, but she's got a social musical activity going right now that she loves and nothing happening art-wise that engages her, so music it is.

I would go to galleries, art shows, museums, and spend time in nature and touring interesting architecture, to feed her love of visual arts rather than go to a class. Expose her to beauty in the world on her own terms and the motivation to develop the technical skill set will evolve intrinsically. I firmly believe that passion is not born in a class setting, but rather in the lived experience. These kids need to strive!

Our neighborhood is particularly good for visual arts and architecture. DS and I will go for at least one walk each week in the neighborhood just to be inspired by the beauty around us.

If she's not the one doing the pulling on the music front, I would let it lie for now. Sure, keep exposing her to great music--concerts, albums, etc.--even let her putter on her instruments of choice. She has a wealth of opportunity and a committed mother who is there to offer love and support.

oh man - just deleted my very long post...

any thanks all very very helpful! taking it all on board.

Ultramarina, just edited my pot to say she isn't passionate about piano - music is def up there, my error. She wants to play trumpet but we can't get her lessons until her mouth is more developed. She does greatly enjoy the class. I could push her by getting her private instruction but she likes the slower group class instead.

I think the thing I find challenging is that if I let her have her way she would do anything and everything, she loves classes!She loves to tell people she's a classy girl which she finds hilarious considering the double meaning.

Just great to know I'm not the only one who stresses about all of this.

Mahagogo5, it's hard to ignore a child's potential when it's right in front of you but I remind myself that I got completely burnt out by age 8 and I'd have been much better off if my teacher had kept it fun and actually taught me the basic skills that I was missing rather than pushing me to advance and to compete. So, I think you're doing the absolutely right thing by letting her stay with group lessons. If she loves music in general, piano is a great second instrument to study. If you can afford it and your DD doesn't mind practicing, I highly recommend studying piano concurrently.

I got tired of driving DD around town last year so we dropped ballet and soccer and we cram both of her music lessons into one day and be done with it. DD wants to go back to ballet but I'm not sure if I'm ready to to commit. I feel guilty about not being more into it but I did not enjoy being a ballet mom and the recital fees were ridiculously high.

As for expenses, we are spending more than we should on her tuition and lessons. When it comes to musical education, I get the feeling we'll have to keep on investing without any expectations for future returns - be it be career or college scholarship - but it makes her happy and as long as it's fun and driven by her passion, we'll keep going.

Once your DD starts school full-time, she might not have a lot of time to pursue extracurricular activities so as long as she isn't burning out and still enjoys the experience, I'd let her explore as much as she wants within your budget. Don't burn yourself out though. I know I am getting close to it right now.

I agree with the others about art, provide lot of arts supplies and find ways to expose her to art. (Books about art, museums.) Since you say your daughter isn't very good at entertaining herself art might be a way she can develop that skill. There really isn't ONE way to do art, and my problem with some art classes are they are too directed. I disliked the "Meet the Masters" program that my elementary school used that encouraged the kids to imitate a piece of famous art, the teachers would proudly display 30 almost "identical" pieces of art. Always rubbed me the wrong way.

yes she has started entertaining herself now by doing art & craft - it is the only activity she will do on her own- but she will do it for hours and hours - albeit with muuum what can I make nooooow! she's learning about her imagination ;-)

Unfortunately our town is not what you would describe as aesthetically pleasing. There are some very interesting bits which we have done to death. Our galleries seem hell bent at being "cutting edge" ie very adult orientated both in concept and practise so they aren't suitable. Our main art gallery has been closed since 2010 so it's just the private ones at the moment.

I have however just joined a mailing list for children's programs that might pop up. The rest of the place is a complete jumble waiting to be rebuilt after quakes - trust me it's pretty grim. There's a lot of high art around relating to the quakes - which frankly is not a topic DD is ready to get too involved with as we can't say "oh that happens far far away etc".

The meet the masters thingish was why we didn't go Montessori pre school, I found it disturbing that children were given colouring pages of masters but had to get the colours right before advancing - weird.